Thailand 2019 Recap

Sawasdee ka, friends and family!

Just wanted to send out a huge THANK YOU to everyone who supported our Thailand trip in any way. Due to your faithful prayers and generous giving we were able to go and share the love of Jesus with so many different individuals and people groups while working alongside ministry leaders Don and Judi Stinnett of Mission Pattaya. This included, working with Burmese refugee children and their families through health clinics, distributing food packs, and English teaching, working with the girls at Tamar Center, attending Bible studies, and group counseling, ministering to girls on the bar streets who are trapped in sex trafficking, sharing the hope of Jesus with them, and information on what the Tamar Center is, visiting several different local churches, and Bibles studies, sharing our testimonies and words of encouragement, as well as just spending time with people, praying over them, loving on them, and telling them about the redemptive power of Jesus Christ. The move of the Spirit was powerful and palpable and I am so grateful for the opportunity I was given to go and play a small part in it. God is so good and we were blessed to witness some really amazing transformations taking place right before our eyes! 

One of the first ways we got to serve was joining in a Bible study held in a beauty salon located right in the middle of the red light district where any girl (or lady boy) off the streets can come and join if she so chooses. I was given the wonderful opportunity to share my testimony, then we worshiped together, and another team from the states shared a message with the group. Afterwards we prayed over each of our Thai brothers and sisters who were there and during this time one of the ladies who had been going to the Bible study several weeks made a decision to follow Christ! We rejoiced with our new sister and were able to love on and encourage her. What a joy it was! 

That same Bible study the next week was equally as powerful when a woman walked in off the streets who decided to seek refuge at Tamar Center— who had a place for her and welcomed her immediately. We laid hands on and prayed over this beautiful woman and afterwards actually got to witness her boldly walk back over to the bar she was working at just the night before, collect all of her things, turn away from everything she’s ever known and head towards an unknown venture at Tamar in faith. Wow. I was in tears and so greatly moved by her courage and strength and am exceedingly hopeful for a bright, beautiful future for her!  

Tamar is continuously changing lives in amazing ways! After another Bible study with the girls currently residing at the Tamar Center we were blessed to hear an incredible testimony from a graduate who’s success story is encouraging to no end and a true testament to God’s faithfulness and provision. She shared with us about her dark and difficult past. A mother of three who had some major health concerns and was practically starving decided to seek refuge at Tamar but still wasn’t completely sold on the idea that things could ever be better for her than the way they had always been. So she stepped out in faith and challenged God, “If you’re real, feed me.” That night at the Center God showed up, in the faces of our sweet friends and fellow missionaries Don & Judi who came to lead a Bible study and brought dinner with them inviting all the girls to come and eat as they learned more about who this Jesus was. This was a direct answer to her very specific prayers stemming out of a place of real and intense need in her life. So powerful! She’s now soaring beautifully, has been reunited with her children, and is a faithful follower of Jesus who’s life has been completely transformed. In part, thanks to people like Don and Judi and their faithfulness to the call God has placed on their lives to love on the people of Pattaya and be the hands and feet of Jesus. Loving God and loving people is what they are truly all about and they completely exemplify everything that the phrase encompasses. We were so blessed to work alongside them while there and are exceedingly so moved by their example of faith. The work that they are doing MATTERS! Your partnership is HUGE.

I share all of that to say this: thank you! Thank you for believing in this cause. Thank you for supporting it. Thank you for your fervent prayers. God is undoubtedly moving in the city of Pattaya and His life-changing light is overshadowing the grave darkness in one of the heaviest and most oppressive places my feet have ever walked. It is beautiful to witness and be a part of. I’m walking away so stirred. So encouraged. Deeply moved. Incredibly hopeful. And so very grateful for everything we were blessed to be able to experience while there. Please continue to pray for Don and Judi and everything they’re involved in. For The Tamar Center. For the refugee families. For the girls on the streets and for all those lost and hurting all over the world. This is what the gospel is truly all about, friends, knowing Him and making Him known. I am humbled at the idea of being used even ever so slightly to further His kingdom— wherever He May lead. Thank you from the depths of my soul and may you feel God’s blessings and mercy so richly. Much love to all! 

-Jordyn Miller 

Thailand Mission Trip

Friends & family, 

I  am so pleased and excited to announce that I officially will be heading back to Pattaya, Thailand for mission work this summer. A team including myself and three other women from our church, Legacy Christian of Lakeland, FL will be going to stay with local missionaries Don & Judi Stinnett. We will be leaving for our trip on July 22nd and coming back August 7th. Our main goal for these two weeks that we'll be there is to help them with all of the different ministry organizations that they’re involved in. Serving alongside them as they faithfully fulfill their call to “Love God & Love People.” This couple is the epitome of that phrase and truly exemplifies the message behind it. God is using them in powerful ways which I was blessed enough to be able to witness for myself last year. So grateful to be given another opportunity to play a small part in all they’re doing there through Mission Pattaya-- feel free to follow their facebook page for updates:). I am so stoked to be going back again and cannot wait to see what all God has in store for our team and all those we are going there to reach. 

Pattaya is the sex trafficking hub of the world and horrific numbers of women (and "lady boys") are sold and bought off of those streets every single night. One of the ministries we’ll be serving with while there is called the Tamar Center. Which provides a sort of safe haven for women who choose to leave the sex industry. At the Tamar Center these women (along with their children—which is huge!) are housed, fed, taught a new trade (like cooking, making jewelry, beauty school, etc) with which to make money honorably, and most importantly they’re given the hope of restoration through Jesus. Along with bible study classes, and women’s group meetings they attend weekly they're also provided with therapeutic counseling sessions so that they are able to work through the intense amounts of trauma that the majority of them endured during their time on the streets. This incredible ministry is providing such an extreme positive change in the lives of these women who so desperately need it and many powerful things have taken place as a result. I am truly so honored to get to work alongside them again. Part of our time will be spent walking around the bar streets talking to the women working there to let them know that there is hope for them beyond what they're seeing around them currently. We share with them information about the Tamar Center and of course about the love and transforming power of Jesus Christ. 

Along with the bar ministry we will be teaching English at a secondary school, working with Cambodian refugees (who have no rights at all in Thailand and therefore their basic needs are barely met, if it all) offering health clinics, food packs, and kids camps. We will also be going to several churches to share our testimonies and serve the local people in whatever capacity is needed. Our hearts' desire is to love on everyone we encounter there while pointing them to Jesus. Shining His life-giving light in a place of such extreme darkness and deprivation. This trip last year was incredibly impactful for me personally on top of being abundantly fruitful. God is blessing these ministries and true change is taking place in Pattaya, Thailand. It’s beautiful to witness and humbling to be a part of. 

Would you like to partner with us? There are several ways to do so. First and foremost, your prayers are huge. We welcome them now (and always) especially for our team as we prepare our hearts and minds for all that God is going to do there this year and the role He will have us play in it. Also, more importantly, for those we will be ministering to that God would move in their hearts and that they would feel His love through us and be receptive to the Truth which we've come to share with them. Secondly, financial support is also very much needed to help cover plane tickets, our stay/food while there, and supplies we'll be bringing with to be a blessing to and meet the needs of those we'll be serving. Every little bit counts so if you are able and would like to give towards this trip it would be so greatly appreciated. Checks can be made out to Legacy Christian Church. Thanks so much in advance for coming alongside us and helping to make this trip possible for the team and myself through your fervent prayers and generous support. May God richly bless all of these efforts for the glory and growth of His Kingdom. Much love and many blessings to you all! 

-Jordyn Miller 

Mission Pattaya: Thailand Support Letter

Friends & family,

I am beyond thrilled to announce that I have been given the incredible opportunity to go on another mission trip this coming summer to Pattaya, Thailand. I am going with a team of three other women from our church (Legacy Christian Church of Lakeland, FL)  & we will be working closely with local missionaries Don & Judi Stinnett as well as several other organizations associated with Mission Pattaya.

We'll be leaving for our trip on July 17 (which is quickly approaching!) and getting back August 2nd.

During the two weeks we are there we will be very busy reaching people with all kinds of different needs from all sorts of backgrounds. One of the places we'll be spending quite a bit of time is at the Tamar Center that serves as a sort of safe haven for girls who are trying to get off the streets. At the Tamar center the girl's are housed, fed, counseled, and are taught a trade with the goal of being able to start their own business as a means to support themselves fully. We will also be doing outreach ministry on the bar streets in which we'll have the opportunity to share about the Tamar center as well as the redemptive love & transforming power of Jesus to all those we encounter there. We will be be asked to teach, share our personal testimonies, and serve throughout the different ministries there in Pattaya and surrounding areas including English camps, health clinics, group bible studies, counseling sessions and a sort of vacation bible school for the migrant children of the Cambodian refugees. I know God is going to do incredible things both in & through us while we are there!


The total cost of this trip is $2,550 which includes our airfare, food, & lodging while in Thailand. Our church commits to paying for 1/3 of the cost of our mission trips so I already have $850 covered. Then, as a team, we fundraise another 1/3 of the cost which we are in the process of & have quite a bit covered, as well. That leaves me responsible to personally raise support for the final 1/3 of $850. I have no doubt in my mind that God can & will provide all of the needs that are to be met in order for this trip to take place, & I would love for you to join me in the process as I step out in faith!

I am so excited to see what all God has in store for this trip & all of those involved. I know it will challenge, stretch, & grow me spiritually as well as emotionally so I am asking for your prayers as the team & I prepare our hearts & minds for all that is to come. Please consider embarking on this journey alongside me by partnering with me through your support-- both financial & otherwise. It would mean so much to me, be so helpful & so greatly appreciated. If you feel led to give please make checks payable to "Legacy Christian Church" & write "Thailand Mission Trip" followed by name in the memo section. Thanks so much in advance, friends. Can't wait to share with you all the mighty ways in which I know he will have moved both leading up to & during our trip to Thailand. Much love to you all & God bless! <3

Rivers from Wastelands

Isaiah 43:18-19 (NLT)

 “But forget all that—

    it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.

For I am about to do something new.

    See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?

I will make a pathway through the wilderness.

    I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

Sometimes it's hard not to feel trapped in the past. It can be very difficult to let go of things that've happened. It's nearly impossible to un-see some things. Or see beyond them, really. When we look back and all that's visible to us is this path of destruction that seems to be following relentlessly, it can feel as though the walls are closing in. As if we are out in this wilderness all alone, drowning hopelessly in the desolation all around. With no clue how we got there or how to get out. 

I don't know about you but I can definitely relate to that feeling. It's a scary place to be.

 "But..."

I think that's my favorite word in that entire Isaiah passage,

BUT: 

"used to introduce something contrasting to what has already been mentioned"

I love that. The idea of introducing something brand new. Like a fresh perspective. Change of scenery. Totally different than what had been. Nothing like what was previously seen. 

What an incredibly refreshing thought! Something that, at certain times in our lives especially, we all crave.

“Forget the former things;

    do not dwell on the past." (v. 18 NIV)

It sounds so simple. Yet, can we honestly do that? Just forget it. Wipe it all away, like a clean slate. A fresh start. No matter where we've been?

The answer is "yes" we can. Because what he's promised us far outweighs any situation we could ever find ourselves in.

Oh, the power we possess to rise above the bleakness our circumstances when we trust what he has said and believe it to be true. 

"See, I am doing a new thing!" (v. 19 NIV) 

One of the most life-altering aspects about being a Jesus follower is the call to trust Him outside of what we can see. Do you understand how much freedom that brings? When we are able to just let go and give it all over to him. Giving in to something much bigger than you or me. With our faith extending so far beyond what's right in front of us, we're able to see so much more clearly. As the harsh reality of whatever desert we've been residing in falls away, we look to Him for answers. For hope. For peace.

"Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?" (v. 19 NIV) 

That's a game-changer for me. Especially in seasons of trial. Where frustration, confusion, and pain are what's being felt most prevalently. (Which happens to be right where I've been finding myself lately.) BUT. Life is so much more than the way it seems. Because of what I know. Because of WHO I know and what He is capable of. I am no longer a slave to my sin. To the past. No longer do I have to feel trapped in this dry land, dying of thirst. Because I know Christ. He who IS living water and whose well never runs dry. So long as I trust and take the cup he's offering. Like a hand being held out to pull me back to safety. 

So travel on, fellow sojourners, and trust Him regardless of what you may currently see-- even if devastation surrounds. Our God is greater. His grace will abound. Let faith overshadow your doubt. He will come through. In fact, he has already begun. Even if we do not yet see it. A pathway will open up before us. 

"I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." (v. 19 NIV) 

While we are not promised that it will always be smooth or easy we can rest in the knowledge of the truth that we are not alone. He is always there. Fighting right alongside us to make a way where there seems to be none. He is doing something completely NEW and this place we feel like we've been stuck in for so long will be nothing in comparison. BUT, we must choose to believe beyond what we can see. Trusting that the one who is able to make rivers burst forth from dry wastelands is capable of doing the same thing within you and me.

Grace in the hard places.

You ever get jolted awake by your body physically flinging itself upright in some last attempt to save you from whatever terror has just threatened to consume you in your sleep? Now, I'm not referring to typical weird dreams that are bizarre but don't really seem to make much lucid sense. I'm talking about the one's where you wake up in a cold sweat, gasping for air. That feel so much like real-life that you can't really differentiate between the dream & reality. You're confused & disoriented to the point of questioning legitimately whether or not that really just happened. Trying to shake the unsettling feeling that maybe it did. Before eventually you start to calm down & catch your breath. Realizing that you're still in bed & it was all just one frighteningly realistic nightmare.

Twice. That's happened to me twice this week, already (& it's only Wednesday). 

Ah, the joy of anxiety dreams. 

I get them quite frequently. Sometimes seemingly for no reason. Other times having a direct correlation to a certain circumstance I'm dealing (or not dealing) with at the time.

The other night, I had one of those. ^

In this dream, I was driving. I lost control & I wrecked my car. I can't remember all the specific details beyond the fact that it was a serious accident. What I do remember, quite vividly, was having this very real fear that this was the end for me. I was pretty sure I was going to die. 

With this so-called "reality" gripping me I asked myself one question: if this was really 'it' for me, would I "be okay with the way things are?" 

Absolutely not. 

That question paralyzed me. Crippled by this feeling of complete helplessness & desperation. I felt frantic. In this state of absolute panic. There were so many things I had left unsettled, unfinished. But there was nothing I could do about it anymore. 

It was too late. 

Then, I woke up.

Yikes. 

Not a fun way to start the morning. 
(Thanks for that, subconscious.)

But it most definitely did, in all meanings of the phrase, wake me up.

My life had gotten pretty out of control. I no longer had a grip on reality. I had been in somewhat of a daze or fog for a good couple of months. 

In dealing with some difficult things I was faced with that all seemed to pile up at once & in trying to process through it all I didn't handle my emotions in the best or most productive way, per usual. 

Taking out my hurt, and frustration on all of those closest to me. Or just innocent bystanders who happened to be standing too close at the time. 

It got pretty ugly. 

I made myself miserable. Feeling ostracized, abandoned, & neglected all of which I basically accomplished all on my own. (Impressive, I know.) 

I distanced myself from some of my most favorite people in the world. I created tension & awkwardness between myself & others unnecessarily. I became completely self absorbed, threw a giant pity-party, & saw nothing outside of my own pain. Causing hurt & confusion for several different people, none of whom deserved any of it. 

So, yea. 

That dream was the rude awakening that I needed to jar me back into reality. I woke up for the first time in a long time with clarity. I had been stuck in my own head for such a long time. I realized it was time to make things right. 

I knew it wasn't going to be easy. My actions had been self-destructive & harsh. My overall demeanor had become ridiculously negative. I was almost completely unapproachable. 

(^^Super fun people to be around)

But I knew what needed to be done. I also knew it was a God-thing. So, even if it terrified me, I was ready. 

He has this way of lovingly, yet firmly, drawing us to our knees in humility and bringing us to this place of repentance, whether we like it or not. 

Let me tell you, it is NOT a fun place to be, but having finally been able to come to grips with the situation, recognizing the flaws in my behavior, & taking ownership for my actions & the pain caused by them was so incredibly freeing.

Still painful, nonetheless. No one likes being in those hard places. Where you have to face the facts & have difficult conversations. Apologize for the awful way that you've been. Then beg for forgiveness. 

It sucks. 

But so worth it in the long run.

Few things achieve humility as much as being granted something you know you don't deserve.

I don't know if you know this or not, but God happens to be really good at GRACE. I can attest to that truth because I happen to need a whole lot of it. Yet, I am completely undeserving. 

Yes, God has most certainly humbled me in this situation. 

I have been a hot-mess, there's no doubt about that. I'm sure watching my mostly self-afflicted  suffering was probably excruciating to him, as it was for some of my friends. 

He wasn't pleased with my behavior but He still continued to show up regardless. In random places. At weird times.

Grace looks completely different, I think, each time it's given. It's a unique gift not some simple 5-step forgiveness plan. But the offer's always there, that part doesn't ever change. 

God likes to get me at 5am. 

He woke me up one morning with the thought of a passage from Luke 7 floating around in my mind. This particular story was about a sinful woman who fell at Jesus' feet weeping as he sat at a table amongst a group of pharisees. (Bold move, mad props.)

44 Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.47 “I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” 48 Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.”

That got me. Broke me. I could completely relate. I am that sinful woman. 

I am forgiven. 

He was reminding me. Even in the midst of my struggle. Showing me grace. 

Though he doesn't condone, approve of, or affirm us in our sin or seasons of rebellion--by any means-- none of those things will ever disqualify us from being worthy of his love, deserving of his grace, or from receiving his forgiveness. 

In fact, as Jesus illustrated to his disciples in that Luke passage, being forgiven of much helps us to show much love.   

It also helps us to forgive much. 

At the end of the day, we are all in need of grace. We are all human. We are all sinners who fall short. We all give in to the flesh from time to time. We are all so completely undeserving.

Yet, even still, he offers it. 

Willingly. Freely. Joyfully. 

I needed that. 

This redemptive grace that comes in & takes hold of me, my heart, & the situation. Then commands that I make things right. While assuring me of the truth: I am not alone. Never too far gone. Always loved, no matter what. In spite of myself, & the way that I have been because he is God & he is good. 

Sometimes getting "unstuck" requires a good cry in the bathroom with a close friend. Sincerely apologizing after recognizing the extent of the wrong you've done & hurt you've caused. Just to be met with a compassionate & understanding hug, along with the ever-so-healing words, "I forgive you." 

Or an insanely realistic dream that wrecks you & rocks your world. Bringing you to this place of realization & revelation. Opening your previously blinded eyes to the severity of the situation. 

Or maybe just quiet moments in the wee hours of the night/early morning. The only time during your hectic day where you're completely without distraction. When you're able to hear God clearly. Simply reminding you, "It's okay. I love you. I'm still here" 

One thing is for sure, he doesn't ever give up. He continuously, relentlessly pursues us with a fiery passion that forgets the past & sees the very best. Even in the midst of the wrestling & downright ugliness raging within us he is right there taking full advantage of every opportunity to call us back to himself-- in love. Offering new hope. New life. Redemption. Forgiveness. We don't deserve it, not one bit. Truth is, we never will. But the beauty of God is that He knows that, he is fully aware. Yet, he offers it still. Be encouraged by this truth: there is an endless amount of grace for you & for me, even & especially amidst the hard places. 

Just a mom.

What is it with society these days? It literally shames everyone for everything. It's absolutely ridiculous and completely unfair. Yea, yea, I know.. "Life's not fair."

It seems to be especially hard on moms, though. Am I right!? No "mom group" in particular just moms, in general. All the moms. No matter what. They're all doing it all wrong, apparently.

Ugh.

Seriously, can we please, for the love of God, stop allowing this? At least by refusing to add to and/or encourage it.

No matter what "kind" of mom you are, I'm sure, like me, you've felt the weight of this pressure that somehow, no matter how hard you try you're just not doing things right. You're simply not good enough.

Well, that's a bunch of garbage. Because you are. We are. This whole mom thing is freaking hard, and endless. It doesn't come with instructions but does come with an insane amount of responsibility. It's incredibly daunting and tiresome but also so completely rewarding. So more than worth every silent, frustrated, tear shed late at night when they're all asleep in bed and you finally have a quiet moment to yourself. Probably feeling like somehow you've blown it, yet again. Praying to God that you haven't screwed them up too bad.

Yes, we moms typically are not lacking in the dramatics department. Honestly, though.. we are way, WAY too hard on ourselves.

It is absolutely impossible to live up to this whole "perfect mom" standard (as if that even exists!?) in the culture we live in. So we have got to stop beating ourselves up over it. And, dare I say, stop judging other moms for doing things a little bit (or a lot) differently than how we choose to ourselves.

I don't care what the reasoning is or how justified it seems, just stop doing it. I know it can be difficult when we're feeling like we're failing at everything. We want to look around and point to someone else. Like, "Well, at least I'm better than so & so because I don't let my kid eat/drink/say/do/act like such & such." As if somehow that's going to make us feel better about ourselves!?

No.

You are doing the best you can. And, more than likely, so is she. So please, for the sake of all moms, just stop. It really would make things so much more pleasant for all of us if we showed one another the same love, respect, and grace as we would like in return.
(Can I get an amen?)

One of the things that frustrates me most about my current life situation is this need I have to justify it to anyone and everyone. Which is so dumb. But I still feel it. Remember, we live in a society that tells us, "Hey, you. The one with the kids, doing the things.. Guess what? You suck." Basically.

For me, that struggle comes laced with this constant need to defend my roles/responsibilities as a stay at home mom. My favorite thing, "but what do you DO!?" Lol I love that question.

But honestly, this time in my life and in the lives of my precious kiddos' is literally probably THE most important. So why am I constantly feeling so beaten down by the world around me for this life choice? Believe me, it is not a choice that has been taken lightly. There are PLENTY of sacrifices that have been made to make it possible and I am just grateful more than anything for the opportunity to be able to do so. Especially because I do know a lot of working moms that would kill to have that and simply just can't. I cherish this time, I really do.

I love where I'm at. What I do is important. This time I've been blessed with to train up and teach my children is crucial. Probably one of the greatest tasks I will ever accomplish in my life.

Yet.

Somehow, I still feel like I'm expected to try and come up with some excuse for why I am where I'm at. Why I'm still "just a mom."

I know most people don't really mean anything by it when they ask. They are just curious, I guess. But when the questions start rolling in about my "career" (ha, whatever that is!?) like...

"What are you doing with your degree?"

"Don't you want more out of life?"

"When are you going back to work/school?"

"Have you thought about that yet?"

What's the time-frame?"

"Don't you have it all planned out?"

I start scrambling. Pulling for anything and everything I can to make my life sound more successful and put-together.

"Well, um. You know, right now I'm just doing the whole mom thing.. But, I volunteer at church and stuff too. Oh, and I go to the gym like 5 days a week. That counts, right!? I also write, sort of, occasionally...

I buy Girl Scout cookies, okay? I'm still contributing to society!"
(Thin mints, please;)

Literally throwing out everything I can possibly think of that might gain me some leverage in convincing them that I actually do things that matter.

Seriously, that's ridiculous.

Really.. As if what I'm doing isn't enough. That whole "mom thing" isn't really all that important. Isn't valid. Doesn't count. Like I'm just hurrying through this stage until I can get back to what matters. What my real purpose is.

For real!?!

Unfortunately, yes. This happens to me all. the. time. More than I'd like to admit.

I'm so done with doing that, though. With feeling that way. You know why? Because I am PROUD to be "just a mom." This IS my life's calling  and absolutely does fulfill me and give me purpose more so than anything else I've ever experienced. I mean, of course it does I'm literally raising tiny humans who will grow up into being adults one day. I want them to be healthy, successful, productive members of society. And probably more than anything else, just all-around decent human beings. It's a really big deal, when you actually stop to think about it. (No pressure)

But I don't, nor should I, need anyone else's approval or praise to make myself feel worthy or valuable. There is an immense amount of both of those things wrapped up in motherhood. It just gets overlooked often times because it's usually covered in spit-up and showers a little less frequently than one would choose.

Yep, being a mom is not glamorous. I don't care what pinterest tries to make you believe.

In reality, it is messy, raw, heart-wrenching, infuriating, incredibly wonderful, beautiful, insanity. It's not for everyone and that's okay too. But I want you to know, regardless of how you choose to do things, whether working, staying at home, or something in between. You are a rockstar mom and I'm pretty sure your kids most definitely think so too.

So, go on with ya bad self, girl, and stop letting society shame you into thinking your less-than for any reason. I know you're trying your hardest to always do what's best for your babies no matter what, at any cost. For what it's worth, mom-to-mom, I think that's amazing and so much more than enough.

Shattered things & extravagant grace

This picture basically sums up the way my life's been going for about the last year. Pretty much describes exactly how I've been feeling lately. Shattered. Broken. So far from who I used to be, what I was created for.

I made these ornaments a couple of years ago using my sweet & (then) tiny baby girl's little handprints. Finding them in pieces was the icing on the cake to an already piece of crap day. It was the final straw for me. I pretty much lost it.

Why is EVERYTHING falling apart? Why am I such a failure? This too!? 

Drama, drama, drama, I know.  Ugh, but that's usually how it goes, isn't it? It's the little things like this that end up being what finally leads me to my breaking point after I feel like I've been trying my hardest to hold it all together for so long. I just couldn't deal with one more thing in my life being broken & feeling so completely helpless knowing there's nothing I could do to fix it.

They've just been sitting there in that little wooden box for like a week now because I can't bring myself to throw them away. That seems so final, you know? & I'm just not ready to come to grips with reality yet, to admit defeat. But wait, are we talking about me... Or the ornaments!? Maybe a little bit of both. It sucks & I absolutely hate feeling so powerless in any situation. It's impossible for me to try & put all those tiny pieces back together. There's literally nothing I can do about it.

But, you know what? Maybe that's exactly where I need to be right now. Those fragmented ornaments are a perfect metaphor for my life & my need to give up control. I've got to stop clinging to shattered things because the longer I hold on to them-- the more I'm denying the inevitable-- the longer the process of healing is going to take. Eventually, I've got to make peace with this mess that has become my life in order to move on to a better place. To make room for God & His extravagant grace.

You see, I may not be able to do anything useful with all this brokenness but He absolutely can. He can make ALL things new. (Revelation 21:5)

I've just got to let go of the need to be "in control." To quit holding on to things that are doing me no good. It's time that I give them to God & let Him work His magic, if you will, to create something worthy, & useful again. Even from the mere scraps that I feel are all that's left of me. I'm never going to amount to anything more than just a shattered mess as long as I'm refusing to admit to the fact that I am, in fact, broken & in so much need.

 He's more than willing to meet me where I'm at. He's more than capable of rebuilding and redeeming all that's been lost. So as much as it pains me to do so, I'll be throwing away the precious little pieces of these once so beautiful & special ornaments. So that in their place something new can be created. Just like in my own heart, I've got to stop focusing on what was, on what I've lost. What good is it doing me to hold on to the broken pieces anyway? Looking at what's left of those ornaments everyday just reminds me of the fact that it happened & it's somehow all my fault & oh yea, I can't do anything to change it. Sounds healthy, right!?

Yet, It's almost the exact same thing that's going on in my mind constantly these days.

How did we get here? Why is everything such a mess? How in the world am I ever going to fix this?

It's like I'm looking around just wishing things would be different somehow. Like I'm just going to wake up from a bad dream & everything will all be back to the way it was. But unfortunately, life just doesn't work that way.

Until I'm ready to admit to the brokenness that exists inside of me, until I relinquish all control to the only One who can actually do something about it & make some sense of all the chaos, I'll still just be here staring at a little wooden box of shards, of what used to be, feeling so broken and helpless. It's time for me to hand it over to Him. To admit that I'm defeated & I can't do anything about it, not on my own anyway.

Finally accepting the reality of what is, is exactly what I need to do to allow the healing process to begin in my heart & in my life. To let go. To make peace. To make room for the new. To take these shattered things that make up me lately & trade them for God's extravagant grace. Allowing for His transforming power to move in me to create wholeness & beauty once again.