Just a mom.

What is it with society these days? It literally shames everyone for everything. It's absolutely ridiculous and completely unfair. Yea, yea, I know.. "Life's not fair."

It seems to be especially hard on moms, though. Am I right!? No "mom group" in particular just moms, in general. All the moms. No matter what. They're all doing it all wrong, apparently.

Ugh.

Seriously, can we please, for the love of God, stop allowing this? At least by refusing to add to and/or encourage it.

No matter what "kind" of mom you are, I'm sure, like me, you've felt the weight of this pressure that somehow, no matter how hard you try you're just not doing things right. You're simply not good enough.

Well, that's a bunch of garbage. Because you are. We are. This whole mom thing is freaking hard, and endless. It doesn't come with instructions but does come with an insane amount of responsibility. It's incredibly daunting and tiresome but also so completely rewarding. So more than worth every silent, frustrated, tear shed late at night when they're all asleep in bed and you finally have a quiet moment to yourself. Probably feeling like somehow you've blown it, yet again. Praying to God that you haven't screwed them up too bad.

Yes, we moms typically are not lacking in the dramatics department. Honestly, though.. we are way, WAY too hard on ourselves.

It is absolutely impossible to live up to this whole "perfect mom" standard (as if that even exists!?) in the culture we live in. So we have got to stop beating ourselves up over it. And, dare I say, stop judging other moms for doing things a little bit (or a lot) differently than how we choose to ourselves.

I don't care what the reasoning is or how justified it seems, just stop doing it. I know it can be difficult when we're feeling like we're failing at everything. We want to look around and point to someone else. Like, "Well, at least I'm better than so & so because I don't let my kid eat/drink/say/do/act like such & such." As if somehow that's going to make us feel better about ourselves!?

No.

You are doing the best you can. And, more than likely, so is she. So please, for the sake of all moms, just stop. It really would make things so much more pleasant for all of us if we showed one another the same love, respect, and grace as we would like in return.
(Can I get an amen?)

One of the things that frustrates me most about my current life situation is this need I have to justify it to anyone and everyone. Which is so dumb. But I still feel it. Remember, we live in a society that tells us, "Hey, you. The one with the kids, doing the things.. Guess what? You suck." Basically.

For me, that struggle comes laced with this constant need to defend my roles/responsibilities as a stay at home mom. My favorite thing, "but what do you DO!?" Lol I love that question.

But honestly, this time in my life and in the lives of my precious kiddos' is literally probably THE most important. So why am I constantly feeling so beaten down by the world around me for this life choice? Believe me, it is not a choice that has been taken lightly. There are PLENTY of sacrifices that have been made to make it possible and I am just grateful more than anything for the opportunity to be able to do so. Especially because I do know a lot of working moms that would kill to have that and simply just can't. I cherish this time, I really do.

I love where I'm at. What I do is important. This time I've been blessed with to train up and teach my children is crucial. Probably one of the greatest tasks I will ever accomplish in my life.

Yet.

Somehow, I still feel like I'm expected to try and come up with some excuse for why I am where I'm at. Why I'm still "just a mom."

I know most people don't really mean anything by it when they ask. They are just curious, I guess. But when the questions start rolling in about my "career" (ha, whatever that is!?) like...

"What are you doing with your degree?"

"Don't you want more out of life?"

"When are you going back to work/school?"

"Have you thought about that yet?"

What's the time-frame?"

"Don't you have it all planned out?"

I start scrambling. Pulling for anything and everything I can to make my life sound more successful and put-together.

"Well, um. You know, right now I'm just doing the whole mom thing.. But, I volunteer at church and stuff too. Oh, and I go to the gym like 5 days a week. That counts, right!? I also write, sort of, occasionally...

I buy Girl Scout cookies, okay? I'm still contributing to society!"
(Thin mints, please;)

Literally throwing out everything I can possibly think of that might gain me some leverage in convincing them that I actually do things that matter.

Seriously, that's ridiculous.

Really.. As if what I'm doing isn't enough. That whole "mom thing" isn't really all that important. Isn't valid. Doesn't count. Like I'm just hurrying through this stage until I can get back to what matters. What my real purpose is.

For real!?!

Unfortunately, yes. This happens to me all. the. time. More than I'd like to admit.

I'm so done with doing that, though. With feeling that way. You know why? Because I am PROUD to be "just a mom." This IS my life's calling  and absolutely does fulfill me and give me purpose more so than anything else I've ever experienced. I mean, of course it does I'm literally raising tiny humans who will grow up into being adults one day. I want them to be healthy, successful, productive members of society. And probably more than anything else, just all-around decent human beings. It's a really big deal, when you actually stop to think about it. (No pressure)

But I don't, nor should I, need anyone else's approval or praise to make myself feel worthy or valuable. There is an immense amount of both of those things wrapped up in motherhood. It just gets overlooked often times because it's usually covered in spit-up and showers a little less frequently than one would choose.

Yep, being a mom is not glamorous. I don't care what pinterest tries to make you believe.

In reality, it is messy, raw, heart-wrenching, infuriating, incredibly wonderful, beautiful, insanity. It's not for everyone and that's okay too. But I want you to know, regardless of how you choose to do things, whether working, staying at home, or something in between. You are a rockstar mom and I'm pretty sure your kids most definitely think so too.

So, go on with ya bad self, girl, and stop letting society shame you into thinking your less-than for any reason. I know you're trying your hardest to always do what's best for your babies no matter what, at any cost. For what it's worth, mom-to-mom, I think that's amazing and so much more than enough.

Shattered things & extravagant grace

This picture basically sums up the way my life's been going for about the last year. Pretty much describes exactly how I've been feeling lately. Shattered. Broken. So far from who I used to be, what I was created for.

I made these ornaments a couple of years ago using my sweet & (then) tiny baby girl's little handprints. Finding them in pieces was the icing on the cake to an already piece of crap day. It was the final straw for me. I pretty much lost it.

Why is EVERYTHING falling apart? Why am I such a failure? This too!? 

Drama, drama, drama, I know.  Ugh, but that's usually how it goes, isn't it? It's the little things like this that end up being what finally leads me to my breaking point after I feel like I've been trying my hardest to hold it all together for so long. I just couldn't deal with one more thing in my life being broken & feeling so completely helpless knowing there's nothing I could do to fix it.

They've just been sitting there in that little wooden box for like a week now because I can't bring myself to throw them away. That seems so final, you know? & I'm just not ready to come to grips with reality yet, to admit defeat. But wait, are we talking about me... Or the ornaments!? Maybe a little bit of both. It sucks & I absolutely hate feeling so powerless in any situation. It's impossible for me to try & put all those tiny pieces back together. There's literally nothing I can do about it.

But, you know what? Maybe that's exactly where I need to be right now. Those fragmented ornaments are a perfect metaphor for my life & my need to give up control. I've got to stop clinging to shattered things because the longer I hold on to them-- the more I'm denying the inevitable-- the longer the process of healing is going to take. Eventually, I've got to make peace with this mess that has become my life in order to move on to a better place. To make room for God & His extravagant grace.

You see, I may not be able to do anything useful with all this brokenness but He absolutely can. He can make ALL things new. (Revelation 21:5)

I've just got to let go of the need to be "in control." To quit holding on to things that are doing me no good. It's time that I give them to God & let Him work His magic, if you will, to create something worthy, & useful again. Even from the mere scraps that I feel are all that's left of me. I'm never going to amount to anything more than just a shattered mess as long as I'm refusing to admit to the fact that I am, in fact, broken & in so much need.

 He's more than willing to meet me where I'm at. He's more than capable of rebuilding and redeeming all that's been lost. So as much as it pains me to do so, I'll be throwing away the precious little pieces of these once so beautiful & special ornaments. So that in their place something new can be created. Just like in my own heart, I've got to stop focusing on what was, on what I've lost. What good is it doing me to hold on to the broken pieces anyway? Looking at what's left of those ornaments everyday just reminds me of the fact that it happened & it's somehow all my fault & oh yea, I can't do anything to change it. Sounds healthy, right!?

Yet, It's almost the exact same thing that's going on in my mind constantly these days.

How did we get here? Why is everything such a mess? How in the world am I ever going to fix this?

It's like I'm looking around just wishing things would be different somehow. Like I'm just going to wake up from a bad dream & everything will all be back to the way it was. But unfortunately, life just doesn't work that way.

Until I'm ready to admit to the brokenness that exists inside of me, until I relinquish all control to the only One who can actually do something about it & make some sense of all the chaos, I'll still just be here staring at a little wooden box of shards, of what used to be, feeling so broken and helpless. It's time for me to hand it over to Him. To admit that I'm defeated & I can't do anything about it, not on my own anyway.

Finally accepting the reality of what is, is exactly what I need to do to allow the healing process to begin in my heart & in my life. To let go. To make peace. To make room for the new. To take these shattered things that make up me lately & trade them for God's extravagant grace. Allowing for His transforming power to move in me to create wholeness & beauty once again.

Mexico mission trip reflections

I almost didn't go to Mexico. I really, really wanted to go last year. In fact, I almost did go but I had just had a baby a couple months prior & I felt like my heart would've been torn between taking care of my sweet newborn son & serving the people there like I would have wanted to. So I decided it'd be better for me to just wait. I let those organizing the trip know that I definitely wanted to go the next year when the timing was better.

That year passed in a flash & so much happened in that time. Overall it'd been good year but there were also some things that I've had to deal with personally that I just wasn't prepared for. Things that kind of rocked me emotionally, spiritually, & they've definitely taken their toll. I'd been feeling kind of distant from God. Like I'd lost myself a little bit. It just seemed like everything was up in the air for me. I wasn't really sure of anything anymore, sinking in the fear of uncertainty.

Well, remembering the promise I had made & enthusiasm I'd shown over last year's trip I was approached & asked if I'd be willing to go on the Mexico mission trip this year. Honestly, my initial response (the one I said in my head anyway) was, "no." I kept thinking about how much of a mess my life had become & how I was in no place spiritually to be ministering to other people. But deep down inside there was always this small part of me that did really want to go. That felt as though I needed it in spite of everything that had been going on.

I'm probably one of the most indecisive people on the face of the planet, so I didn't say yes but I didn't say no either. I just kept putting it off & going back & forth on the decision. Persistently, they would ask & continuously I would give excuses as to why I hadn't actually made a decision yet. I'm sure that wasn't annoying at all. Ha! (sorry, Tina;)

Finally I was informed that if I did want to go I needed to say so ASAP because they were purchasing plane tickets & so forth. So, I decided that if my mother in law was available to keep my kiddos then I'd go. If she wasn't, then I wouldn't. That was my deciding factor.

Well, whaddya know? She said she could. So I decided, a little apprehensively, that I would go & that it obviously was meant to be or something.

Wow, am I so glad that I did! My time in Mexico was incredible & such an encouragement to my heart, which is something I had really been needing. It felt so good to be a part of something so meaningful again & the change of scenery (which was breathtakingly beautiful, by the way) wasn't all that bad either. ;)

I've always sort of felt "at home" on the mission field. Like it's where I belong. What I was created for. Ever since my very first trip I took to Port Au Prince, Haiti at just 12 years old, I've always felt like I was just meant for this. Leaving that orphanage, I felt like I was leaving a piece of my heart behind, or maybe even the whole thing. I cried the entire plane ride home because my poor little heart just couldn't handle the possibility of me never getting the chance to see those precious children again. Something had changed in me that week. I was impacted in a major way & I knew I'd never be the same again. Those babies had literally nothing to call their own but they gave me one of the greatest gifts I've ever received & helped teach me probably the most important lesson I'd ever learn in life. It had a lot to do with gratitude, contentment & just pure joy undeterred by circumstances. I'm eternally grateful to God for that initial experience & for the fact that I was able to return to that same orphanage every year after that until I was 18. God placed a burden on my heart for missions way back then & that call is still alive & well today. I feel so refreshed & encouraged to have been given the ability to go & be reminded of that truth, even (& especially) in light of my recent struggles. What a blessing!

It's funny to me how my immediate reaction was to disqualify myself for not really feeling like I had my crap together well enough to go & make any real difference. That way of thinking cannot be any further from the truth though, I'm convinced. At least not when it comes to God anyway. I mean, since when does He do things the way people would expect or by what's to be considered the "norm" anyway!?

That's probably one of the most amazing things about being a believer, the fact that it's not limiting. It's open to literally everyone. No one has more of a "right" than anyone else nor does any certain type of person or group "belong" more than another. We are all the same, completely equal in His eyes & in order to be used by Him all we really have to do is be willing. 

There's a quote I love so much that speaks volumes to me in confirming this truth & that is that,

"God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called."

 The fact that I had been struggling was not something that God was going to let keep me from still going & being used by Him to serve & love on the people there in Mexico. In fact, it might even have made me a more viable candidate for the job.

It's always intersting to me in scripture the way God singles out & chooses the most unexpected & seemingly "unfit" people to carry out these major parts & play this huge role in furthering the Kingdom somehow. So it really shouldn't come as that much of a surprise, right!? The fact that God could still use someone as insignificant as me.

I mean, just look at David. He was literally the very last choice & actually not even considered as an option at all by just about everyone. He was the smallest, the youngest & had no experience with war. Yet, he's the one God used to conquer the Philistines. That's amazing.

This truth is not only incredibly inspiring, it's so freeing. It's frees me from this all too prevalent misconception that our Christian society seems to shout which is that we have to somehow have everything all figured out & be completely without flaws to be used by God.

It really doesn't even make much sense when you actually stop and think about it. I mean, if we did have it all together. If we had everything going for us. If we had somehow attained perfection (as if that were even possible), then what would we even need God for at that point?

That's why, I believe 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 Says,  'But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.'

More often than not, He chooses those of us who are lowly, & struggling, & weak to be the unlikely heroes in His Story because we know that it is only through Christ that we are able to do these things. Having the knowledge that we are so completely useless & unworthy without Him is key. So that as His mighty power comes bursting forth out of us, & we are just as shocked as everyone else around us-- just as the seemingly unbeatable giant Goliath was brought down by a young boy with only a slingshot and a couple of small stones-- all we can do is give Him the praise & glory & honor that is due Him. For we know that this great feat accomplished had little (or nothing) to do with us, but everything to do with Him. For this kind of power we do not possess on our own. That measure of strength cannot possibly be found in us apart from Him.

It's beautiful really, the inner workings & coming together of it all. Oh, what an incredibly creative & unique Master we serve!

Looking back on this trip, one of the best things about it was the diversity of our team. There was a crazy mixture of all different ages, genders, & personality types coming from all over the place. Somehow, we all just seemed to mesh together so amazingly well. Better than I ever would've imagined. I think only God is capable of things like that. Outside of serving alongside one another, we genuinely enjoyed spending time together & bonded over mountain/pyramid climbing adventures, board games, & long car ride conversations. We all had such a blast getting to know one another & cracking jokes & singing songs in unison. I would never have put this group together in a million years but God did & man did he know what He was doing (obviously). I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to serve with, grow with, & just spend time with. What an absolute honor & joy it truly was on top of being a pleasant surprise that I never saw coming being that we were such an odd mix. ;)



The uniqueness of each member of our team was especially useful while putting on the VBS for the children there in Huehuetoca, Mexico. Everyone had a distinct part to play & worked hard at being sure to do their given tasks well. Each one played a vital role that was much-needed & necessary for helping to ensure that things would go as smoothly as possible.

We had a TON of kids show up, which was challenging at times to say the least but what a great problem to have! The first day we had about 89 children, which we thought was a lot until the next day when we had around 150! By the end of the week this incredible event reached about 180 children & their families! What a HUGE community impacted for Christ! Wow, it still blows me away when I think about it. God is so good!

I just feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to go & witness & be a part of such a powerful movement because I'm pretty sure it affected me just as much (if not more).

Texting with a friend after coming back she said (or typed;) something that really resonated with me. "It's crazy how it works...we go to serve and give and love and share and leave feeling more blessed by those we ministered to!" She's absolutely right about that & I'm so grateful for the way this trip has touched & uplifted my weary, slightly burnt out heart. Reigniting the passion I once felt. When I know I'm exactly where I need to be. There's nothing quite as fulfilling as being right in the middle of the will of God & being completely confident of that fact. Such an overwhelming sense of peace comes from knowing that it's not about me but solely resting upon God & His sovereignty & (thankfully) there's nothing I can do to screw that up.

I just feel the need to encourage you, friends, because I'm sure there are plenty others out there who have felt or are feeling the way I had been & I just want to ask that you please don't take yourself out of the race just based on whatever current circumstance you're finding yourself in. Don't deny yourself the possibility to go & be a blessing & be blessed in return because you feel like you aren't worthy, or qualified, or religious enough or whatever it may be. God can still use you & He will as long as you're willing & you will be better for it, I can promise you that!

hearts prone to wander & the Love that redeems

One of my favorite books of all time & one of the first (& few) I've ever read cover to cover is Francine Rivers,' Redeeming Love. It's a beautiful, compelling, heartbreaking, hope-giving story about sacrificial love, & longevity inspired by the story of Hosea & Gomer in the Bible. Where God commands Hosea to marry a prostitute to represent an unfaithful Israel who kept turning their backs on God despite all that He had done for them & brought them through.

"..Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods.." Hosea 3:1

The main character in Rivers' book, Michael Hosea, falls in love with a beautiful woman, who happens to be a prostitute. He feels that God is calling him to rescue her from that life & take her as his wife. So he does just that. It wasn't an easy task but He pays the price that's required to get her out of the bondage she's in & takes her home. She was now his, but it was nothing like the way it had been before & how she was treated by men previously. This time was much different. He didn't own her or take advantage of her like they had. He loves her well, is patient with her, & takes care of her. He even gives her a new name, something more suitable (& less stripper-like) so she didn't have to be reminded of her past. Despite all of the wonderful things he offers her, she (continuously) runs away from her now husband & returns to those old habits. Back into the arms of her oppressors/abusers & away from the only one to ever truly show her the love & respect she'd always longed for & deserved.

Ugh. 

The first time I ever read this book, I couldn't put it down. I was about 15 & I would read it at school in between classes (& probably during some too;) & I would get so angry at the hard-headedness of this girl. It was so frustrating to me. I just kept turning pages hoping this time it'd be different, that she'd learned her lesson, & she'd stay with him where she belonged. Where it was safe & she was loved. I just couldn't understand, it didn't make any sense to me at the time why she kept running away from someone so loving and good to her.

It still doesn't make a whole lot of logical sense to me, to be honest, but I can definitely understand on a deeper and more personal level the struggle she was going through. I've been just like that hard-headed girl more times than I'd like to admit. I can also most definitely relate to the fact that running away can just seem a little easier sometimes-- no matter how illogical.

No, she didn't really want to return to that life of sin & shame but that's all she ever knew.. & she didn't feel worthy of Mr. Hosea's faithful love & commitment. He was so honest, & tender, & good. Those things were so unfamiliar to her & quite frankly, it scared her a little bit (or probably a lot). She didn't want to let him down. She knew he deserved better. Maybe someone as pure & stable & put-together as he was. She knew she'd never be good enough for him. So she'd run away & go back to the only thing she'd ever known, because that's what was comfortable to her and what other option did she have?

It seems crazy though, right!? Why does she keep returning to the filth he fought so hard & sacrificed so much to get her out of? After everything he'd done for her, offering her a fresh start & a new life both of which she so desperately needed. Even after all that, though, He still loved her. He saw her not as she was or had been but for what she could be & he refused to give up on her. He would go after her each time she wandered, yet again, back down that dark path. Always forgiving, always loving & always reminding her that he didn't want her to be perfect, that she was already more than enough. That he loved her without conditions & he just wanted for her to choose to love him in return.

“I want you to love me. I want you to trust me enough to let me love you, and I want you to stay here with me so we can build a life together. That's what I want” -Michael Hosea ―Francine Rivers, Redeeming Love

Here's the thing: I am just like the prostitute from the book. Just like Gomer. 

I may not be able to relate to that life specifically but man do I know what it feels like to have a heart that is prone to wander. Ive tended to wander away from what's really good for me from time to time and my wandering heart has led me astray down some pretty destructive paths before.

But each time God saw me through eyes of love, in spite of whatever lowly state I was in, & had compassion. He came for me & rescued me from my life of sin. Because I belong to Him.

He already paid the ultimate price on the cross long ago so that I wouldn't have to.

He freed me from the bondage I was once enslaved to, gave me a fresh start, a new name, & promised me a bright future; an eternity with Him.

Much like Mr. Hosea in the story, God persistently loves & takes care of me, consistently goes after me when my heart has wandered off yet again, & forgives me each time I ask even after I've knowingly failed him time after time after time.

Recognizing how completely unworthy I am, this unrelenting love draws from me a repentance & respect I can't put into words. I'm in awe at His majesty that's so powerful but that also possesses the capability to love me so tenderly & know me so intimately right down to the most intricate little detail.

It's crazy & amazing all at the same time. I'm angry with myself but also astounded by his love which tells me that he remembers my sins no more & so I shouldn't dwell on them either. Once again offering me a fresh start, a clean slate. Every day. I'm wiped clean, made blameless in his sight. No matter how impossible that seems. For His mercies are new every morning!

Lamentations 3:22-23

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

    his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness."

I love the way God uses a human relationship through the book of Hosea in the Bible to depict what He was feeling when Israel kept returning to false God's & forsaking him. Putting the pain that he felt in terms we can truly grasp & understand in such a raw & personally convicting way gives such an impactful perspective.

 I think sometimes we tend to wrongly put God in this unreachable, unable to be explained mysterious box because we don't think we'll be able to appropriately perceive Him in all of his complexities. Though he is vast & mighty beyond our comprehension, at times, there are also facets to his being, I believe, that we can absolutely relate to.

I'll bet being broken hearted over a loved one's unfaithfulness is one of those things. Where we just might actually be able to understand God and what He feels a little bit better than we would like to think.

One of my favorite parts about Francine Rivers' version of this story of Hosea is the way its portrayed in such a way that I'm emotionally invested in it & can connect so well with the characters. I feel for Mr. Hosea. I feel his pain because I can relate. I've been there & my heart aches at the thought of it as I'm reminded of my own experiences. My own pain. I can't help but blurt out in my mind,

"How could she do that to him?"

But, wait...

Then it hits me hard,

"How could I do that to Him!?"

Just like the Israelites I am unfaithful to my God. I, all to easily, forget what he's done for me & turn my back on Him. Ending up running back to places I don't belong, doing things I shouldn't, idolizing worthless things in His place.

Ouch.

More than likely, at one point or another, we all all will have (if not already) felt the pain of loving someone who doesn't return those affections. Whether you're rejected or betrayed or some combination of the two, your heart is broken into a million pieces as you watch them walk away as if you never meant anything to them at all. Seemingly unconcerned by the fact that they meant everything to you. It's a pain that stings like little other, a wound that runs deep & is comparable to little else in this life.

Anyone who's ever experienced this kind of hurt and disloyalty knows what a terrible feeling it is.

This book makes God's pain real for me & breaks my heart all over again only not for myself this time but for Him. It brings light to the ugly truth, the harsh reality of the fact that I have done this to God & caused Him such terrible pain. Not just once or even occasionally but more than likely just about every. single. day.

It's annoyingly continuous with me & I can't help but think if someone else were reading a book of my life, how frustrated they would be (just like I was reading this one) at the fact that I keep denying God and going my own way, returning to the sin He's already saved me from countless times before.

That's a painful thing to come to grips with.

The reality of that truth wrecks me & it's hard to swallow. Almost too much to bear. It hurts so much to think about & I just feel sorry. So very, very sorry for the pain I've caused Him. The only one who's ever truly, fully, whole-heartedly & completely unconditionally loved me. The one who's saved me from my sin and from myself and keeps saving me.

I'm moved to tears at the realization of the fact that He cares so deeply for me, enough to hurt so much because of me. The amount of love He still has regardless of all the pain I've caused Him. He still keeps choosing me & desires to have a relationship with me. He keeps pursuing me with a fiery, unrelenting passion that says, 'You are mine and I will never stop loving you.'

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.

Isaiah 43:1

Just like Mr. Hosea would in the book. Every time she went back into her life of sin, he came for her. No matter what. Without question. He loves her, he wants better for her & he refuses to let her go down that path of destruction without at least putting up a fight.

Every. single. time. He fights for her. Takes a beating for her. Forgives her. Takes her in. Continues to love her unconditionally. Redeems her.

God does this same thing for me & I fail Him constantly.

I can't handle the thought of it.

I have this picture in my mind of God himself coming in at my darkest hour & carrying me out of the mess I'm in & back into the light where I belong. Safe in His warm embrace & able arms.

That's how it should be. Where I belong.

& I stay there for a while & all is right in the world & my wandering heart is settled there for a time in perfect peace.

I wish I could say that's where it ends. That I've learned my lesson for good. That my heart no longer strays. But the truth is, I can't. I'm a work in progress. Some days are better than others but I'm bound to fail again. I can tell you this though, I won't ever stop trying.

The incredible thing about that too, is that God will not accept defeat, He cannot fail & he never gives up on me either. No matter how many times I fail Him. I belong to Him & I can rest securely in that truth. I may slip up at times, or fall away temporarily but no matter how big I've blown it, or how many times I've made the same mistake over & over again, His grace is so much bigger than my failures & that is such a freeing truth to behold.

Our hearts are so stubborn but his love is relentless & it will overcome.

That kind of love changes things. The process may be long & drawn out & the progress slow & steady but it's movement nonetheless & it matters. His love for me never wavers & is not dependent upon my performance but only asks that I reciprocate the great love he has for me by choosing to love and accept Him in return. Then that I share with others the wonderful truth of what He's done for me. What He's done (or can do) for you. What He's done for all of us.

The fact is this, He wants better for us than what we're willing to settle for because it's what we feel like we've earned or "deserve." Our past mistakes are irrelevant to Him as He just wants us to live in light of the truth that we are so dearly loved, chosen, forgiven, redeemed, & desired by our Father in Heaven. We need not worry about tomorrow for our futures rest securely in Him.

Through Him, through the cross, through His grace
we are being made new, every day, by His redemptive love that refuses to give up. 


Hold fast to that truth, dear friends & keep fighting for your faith just like He's been fighting for you.

journal entries, vulnerability, & the selfless acts that look a lot like grace & love

"I think the things that scare us are always an open door leading us to something great.. Nothing truly wonderful ever comes without risk."

That's the response I gave to my friend Angela when she told me that her initial thoughts on me sharing what she wrote in her journal was, "no, because it's so raw." But, the potential of her words touching & inspiring others just like they've encouraged me was enough to convince her it was probably a good idea & maybe even a part of God's plan. ;)

As I'm sure you've gathered by now, this post is comprised of the beautiful, true words from a dear, sweet friend-- originally written in her very personal journal. A friend who happens to have an incredible ability to see into my heart & life in a way that very few others ever have. Sometimes (or maybe all of the time) others are able see the truth so much more clearly/easily than we can ourselves in the midst of any given situation-- especially in times where we are in some kind of a transition or a rough spot. We are so much harder on ourselves than we ought to be & are much quicker to show compassion, & mercy, & forgiveness to others than we are to ourselves. That's what her words have shown & are teaching me as I read over them & reflect on my life & the events that have taken place that lead up to this point where I'm finding myself at now. Sometimes, all we need is a fresh perspective, a different view to help us understand & cope with the reality of  the way things are until we're truly able to start the healing process. Here are her words that have been just that for me: 

5/17/16

"So many times I open this book to a blank page and start filling it with words that come from my heart about me... About my struggles... About my life. Once I am done, I close the book and wait until the next moment to unload my emotions. 

Well today I would like to write about a friend. A friend who is struggling.. a friend who is lost in this thing called life. 

We have been friends for at least 5 or 6 years. I met her years before that as she was still in high school. Immediately we had kindred-spirits. She was a fun cute girl with two pigtail braids and overall shorts on... I liked her style. She shared her heart with me that day... Her dreams to be a missionary in an orphanage. We laughed and we encouraged each other. That day her smile was alive and she had big plans for herself. 

Very soon after or maybe even during, her world started to crumble. Her family was splitting up. She became the adult as the parents coped through childish behavior. Very quickly her plans were changing and she had no control. She ran to what was consistent in an inconsistent world... her boyfriend... or ex-boyfriend (for good reasons). 

Then she finally made it into her future husband's arms to which he had his own family problems. Two broken souls leaning on each other as the "stable" family life was falling to pieces. After a few years of trying to figure things out their own way... along with wounds they projected onto each other... they both surrendered their heart to God. I can still remember that day at church when he came walking in and went to the baptism pool and surrendered. My heart was full of joy. I knew it was a long road for both of them but nothing too long or hard with God by their side. 

We became closer friends. We talked and shared our hearts with each other. Our friendship was based off of realness and the love for God.

Fast forward 5 years, She is now married and has two beautiful children. She lives 3 hours away so we don't see each other as often. She is still broken and so is her husband. She is still playing the parent role with her mom and dad. She is not a missionary at an orphanage and she is struggling to find hope. 

This story of "what if's" plays in her mind on a regular basis. She is tired. She needs a new episode... a new song. 

Lord, I cry out for Jordyn, she needs you. She needs a little help. She needs hope. She needs truth spoken into her heart. Destroy the lies the enemy has bound her to despair. God, even those around her have let her down-- you have always been, always will be present. She is worthy of love. Lord, help me or use me to speak your love into her... encourage her... walk with her... love her!

Command them to do good to be rich in good deeds, and to be gentle and willing to share. 1 Timothy 6:18

Even though she is suffocating in brokenness and unsure how to survive... I see a faithful servant... Who loves her Father dearly. A mother who provides, teaches, and lives to breathe life into her babies. A wife who struggles to understand and connect with her husband but continues to fight, to talk, to figure it out. She has not given up-- she may be losing strength-- but she has not quit. A friend who is always a phone call or text away who encourages others with God's love. I see a warrior! I see a person who was born to love and continues to love despite her brokenness! I see inspiration! I see God! 

2 Corinthians 3:17-18

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."

Angela made this journal entry about me when I was laying heavy on her heart the other day & I cannot even begin to express the impact they've have had on my weary heart since she was gracious enough to share them with me.  At a time in life where I'm struggling to find hope & peace they serve as a gentle reminder that God's still got me, & that all is not lost. I'm honored to have been so richly blessed with a friendship as raw, real, vulnerable & true.. Even through the miles & hours of distance between us on any given day. I'm so grateful for a presence so steady & encouraging. A sweet, nurturing soul in which I can rely on. Someone who's both kind & courageous. Who shares with me, laughs with me, cries with me, & simply walks through life with me. Who listens & cares & understands. Words cannot express how much it means to me or how much these words of hers have lifted my spirit.

Thank you, Ang, for speaking such truth into my mind & heart, for reminding me who it is I really am at the core of my being when I seem to have lost/forgotten it all. For letting God use you in this way, for being completely open by first sharing these words with me & then letting me share them with others. Thank you for having a sensitive Spirit and for following His lead into the unknown despite the fear and uncertainty that undoubtedly comes along with vulnerability.

We fight very different looking battles day to day but it's nice to know who's in my corner. Thanks for fighting for me, through prayer & intentionality even though you're struggling right along with me. You know I'm doing the same for you. We are fighting this good fight of faith but we're not alone in doing so.. & that gives me hope.

We are broken but we will get through these trials & we will all be better for it one day.. Eventually. Our God restores, & rebuilds, & redeems & that's the beautiful truth. Until then, I'm resting in the fact that it's ok to struggle & it's in these times where we need, even more so, to rely on one another & I'm so grateful to God for the luxury of that ability through my sweet friendship with you. You are truly one of a kind, thanks for being YOU & for these incredible words, I'll cherish both forever ❤️

I am in awe at what a beautiful picture of Christ is being portrayed here! Crying out to the Father on my behalf, interceding for me.. What would it look like if we all, as parts of the Body, treated one another with this some love, honor, & respect as Angela did for me!? Where we cared for each other enough to tend to one another's needs especially when we know how much we're all struggling. God gave us each other for a reason, but oftentimes, unfortunately-- to our own dismay-- we stay too guarded or are too prideful to ever really let anybody in. It's time we tear down those walls, & the fear of uncertainty, & embrace vulnerability. Simply because we need each other to help carry the burdens, to lighten to load. To remind us when we've just about forgotten everything we've ever known about ourselves.

 I don't know about you, but I've been challenged, inspired by my sweet friend to be a better friend. To actively fight for the ones I love not through mere words alone but by showing them how much they mean to me, how much I care, how important they really are. By speaking truth into their lives but then also by showing up when they need me, by following through. Then most importantly, through serving as that gentle reminder of how much God truly, & unconditionally loves them-- even and especially when they don't necessary feel it or maybe they don't even want it, let alone deserve it (fun fact: NONE of us do).

I think that's a lot what grace looks like, friends, and I think we could all use a little bit more of that. What would it look like if we all tried to look a little bit more like grace to one another, a little bit more like Christ. I mean, really, what would it look like to this lost and hurting world in desperate need of someone who truly cares enough to act. Because at the end of the day, all of our needs are the same and we can all play a part in meeting those in one another simply by showing up and pointing others to Him. To the only one who has the power to transform & set free. Who's already sacrificed his own son, his own body and chosen us. Who selflessly acted on our behalf, interceding for us. Who is, whether we realize it or not, actively pursuing us every single day and simply wants for us to choose Him in return. To joyfully respond to this great love He's shown for us through having a relationship with him, until He calls us home & we can be with Him for eternity. That sounds a lot like grace, a lot like love, and I think we could all use a little bit more of both of those things. So let's start by being just that and sharing it with each other too even if it scares us a little bit initially. ;)

struggling to find spring when it's winter in your mind

Sometimes life is packed full of effortless beauty. There's evidence all around of new life, & growth. Hope around every corner. Color on every tree. Much like the Spring. But that's the thing about seasons, they're eternally changing, never staying the same. And unfortunately this stage in my life hasn't been quite as rich and vibrant as one would dream. It's been more of a struggle for me to find all of those good things. BUT, God is always so faithful in reminding me he's still here, he hasn't left, he never will, and he is still working.. even if I can't tell. 

And that's what it's all about, isn't it? Knowing there's way more to things than the way they seem.

As I find myself, for the first time in a long time, examining the state of my heart what I'm finding is that I really don't like much of what I see. Where once was found a beautiful garden so full of all things lush & green, blooming with flowers and fruit of every color & tree now looks more barren & dry, with no real promising signs of new growth or life anywhere.

My heart feels more like a blustery winter than the luscious spring I'm longing for. I've felt a little lost lately, in my own mind. I seem to have forgotten things I've always known. Things I've held near & dear to my heart for so long seem far-off. Like I've lost sight of who I am and what I was created for, made to be. It's a strange place, indeed & I'm not really sure exactly what to think. All I know is that I'm in a tough spot & I'm struggling to find any glimpse of beauty or hope in me in the midst of a place where there seems to be no sign of either of those things.

What I've come to understand, though, after having a conversation with my hubby about the concerning condition of my heart a couple of nights ago, is this:

"Sometimes things have to get ugly before they can become beautiful again."

When he said that I wanted to argue it, initially. That doesn't really make a whole lot of sense does it!? Or does it..

I know I don't like what I see when I look below the surface these days, that it's not pretty. So how can this undesirable state that I'm in possibly be leading me towards or drawing from me anything but more ugliness?

Well...

Not only does it make sense but it's absolutely necessary for our own well-being & it's also biblical.

Hebrews 12:11 says,

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

We HAVE to go through hard times, and rough patches because of the way that those things have the power to reshape and grow us. To mature us into who we were intended to be in a way that nothing else can. It's absolutely necessary but man that doesn't make it any more enjoyable.

I am so there right now, and if I'm being brutally honest, it sucks. It's hard, & painful. It takes time, & patience & a whole lot of faith, which I don't even really feel at the moment-- again, if I'm being completely honest. Battling with the flesh. Wars waging in your mind. Wrestling against the temptations. Fighting off the negative thought that it really is just hopeless, a lost cause, because that is all that it seems right now, after all. I'm exhausted from the relentless utter chaos going on in my head.

BUT what it's achieving for me below the surface is so well worth all the heartache. Even if I don't yet see it. What there is to be gained from this situation I've found myself in is so much more than meets the eye & I know one day I'll be able to look back on this time in my life and, no doubt, be so glad that it's over but also incredibly grateful that I went through it for what it produced in me, what I got out of it.

As much as it pains me to admit this when it is so, my hubby was right;). Things absolutely do have to get ugly before they can become beautiful again sometimes and it's time I made peace with that fact.

He said he learned this first-hand through all of his experience in landscaping. As a groundskeeper at a private univeristy his sole purpose was to make the outside of that campus as beautiful as possible. One of the ways they did this was by pruning the plants. If they weren't taken care of properly they could get so overgrown that they wouldn't fit in their designated spot anymore, they'd no longer be where they belonged. They'd also lose their specific shape, what they were made to be, and therefore no longer be serving their purpose.

I can relate.

I've been feeling that exact way lately. Like I've lost myself a little bit. Like I've forgotten what my purpose is. There's an overstock of negativity, an excess of destructive thoughts going on in my mind, so out of control that I've become almost completely unrecognizable to me. My heart is not where it needs to be. The true self is still down there, somewhere, waiting to be set free, Im sure of it but it's going to take a lot of trimming, cutting-back, pruning & then waiting to get it back.

& that's the hard part, waiting without seeing any real evidence of change. But I guess that's what having faith is, right, & what is faith without perseverance, anyway?

In some cases, cutting off all the branches leaving just a few stumps is completely necessary & the only way to "revive" the tree, making way for healthy new growth. Literally cutting it down to basically nothing, where just by looking at it, you'd think it would never again amount to anything fruitful. Just a couple of dead-looking twigs. Going nowhere. Now let's just pretend I am that tree (& maybe you too) & right now, what I feel, all I see is an emptiness. Ugly and bare. Hopeless.

But here's the really cool part, where God comes in.

Even though I can't tell, He is still working. Even when I don't see any real signs of life there is still some hope left for me. Even if I feel completely broken down, stripped bare, raw, vulnerable, empty maybe that's exactly where I need to be. Opening up a way for me to burst through with new life, this time more mature, and complete.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

As cruel and painful as it seems right now and as hopeless as it looks to me, he is still doing a new thing and it is achieving for me an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (2 Corinthians 4:17) I'm banking on that, even if my mind tries to convince my heart otherwise in the middle of the night.

I know this in my heart to be true and I'll hold fast to that truth despite what I feel. Because what I feel, is empty, lost, incomplete and though I may be some of those things currently He's still holding me & He'll carry me through, this is not the end of the story for me; because what I feel is also faulty. Generally, it stems mostly from what I can see & what I can see is only a little sliver, part of the truth, half the battle. While what He sees is the grand scheme, the whole picture, every single aspect & tiny detail.

From his perspective, what he's doing is a good thing. It's what's best for me, exactly what I need. He's pruning, fine-tuning & though it may not be fun in the moment I can still consider it valuable because of the way it is making room for growth, new life, fresh fruit, and a wholeness I would've never known had I not been through such discipline. Even if it's left me feeling a little less than lovely after all my branches were removed.

Just like the landscaper, God, as the professional, knows better than to give up on that tree, on me, just because of the way it looks currently. He knows exactly what happens AFTER pruning and cutting-back all the limbs. Even if it takes a little while to come to fruition. Getting rid of all that useless, unnecessary, overgrown mess was just what that tree needed. He knew just where to cut, just how it needed to be trimmed and shaped in order for it to come alive again. To start producing fruit once more. To start looking more like it was meant to, what He intended it to be. Inspiring new growth, thus fulfilling it's purpose. Becoming beautiful, healthy, blooming once more.

Man, do I want to know wholeheartedly and really, truly believe that He can do this same thing for me despite this unpresentable state I'm in currently. Well, He can & He will & He is.

According to John 15:2,

"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." 

So even though to me, all it seems is that there's a lot of ugliness in my heart right now; things that are unclear, cut-short, incomplete, God's not finished with me. He's pruning, cutting back, making room for new growth & I will once again produce beautiful things, and bear fruit. Even if it takes a little while to get back to that place. I will find myself again, & will be found in Him. (John 15:5)

I am encouraged by all of this, and I hope the same for you, not that I've been able to make complete (if any) sense out of it yet, because I haven't; but since I can know that even amidst these hard places where I'm stripped to the core, laying barren & desolate that it won't always be this way that there is indeed new life springing up within me & I can be confident of this truth despite what I see. "For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 2:18)

I know that I'm not struggling in vain, that there is a purpose for all of this and no matter how bad I feel or how ugly it looks right now, it will be beautiful again some day, just like the Spring.

"Sometimes a change in season around us is just what we need to prod us out of our own internal winters, to shake off the dust and darkness we've become accustomed to. I've been winter-y for a long time-- sick, discouraged, a little isolated. I'm turning from fear to prayer, trusting that God can create new life and beauty from anything. I'm inviting the springtime around me into my own life, hoping it takes root and begins to show signs of new life in me, even small ones." -Shauna Niequist, "Savor"

Mexico Mission Trip 2016 support letter

Dear friends and family,

I have been given an incredible opportunity to be a part of a mission trip to Mexico City this summer. The trip is being organized by our church, Legacy Christian, together with one of our missionary families, the Hancocks. They have started one church already on the north side of Mexico City, and are in the process of planting a 2nd church.

The date for the trip is set for July 16-25, 2016. A big part of the trip will be to do a V.B.S. with the children from the Hancocks’ first church plant. Which I am easily most excited about considering my love & passion for children of all ages & I'm delighted at the opportunity to share Christ's love with them.

I am incredibly excited about this trip, but a lot of things need to happen before arriving in Mexico. I could use your support in a couple of ways. First, and most importantly we are asking for your prayers. Pray that all the preparations go smoothly and for myself & the team of 6-10 other missionaries going as we prepare our hearts & minds in these next couple of months leading up to the trip to be used by God in whatever ways he has planned. Pray also that the trip itself accomplishes the goal of sharing the love of God with all the different people we encounter in Mexico, children & adults alike.

Secondly, I am raising financial support to make it possible for me to go. The estimated cost for this trip is $1460 and will be broken up in the following payment installments:
April 15  -$250
May 15  -  $250
June 15 -   $250
July 1st – remaining balance

I know God is faithful & am confident that He will provide!

I greatly appreciate you taking the time to read about my mission trip opportunity, and I hope that you will prayerfully consider partnering with me through your prayers and support.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for this trip, & all those involved.

Much love & God bless,

Jordyn Miller

*please make checks payable to: Legacy Christian Church