Mission Pattaya: Thailand Support Letter

Friends & family,

I am beyond thrilled to announce that I have been given the incredible opportunity to go on another mission trip this coming summer to Pattaya, Thailand. I am going with a team of three other women from our church (Legacy Christian Church of Lakeland, FL)  & we will be working closely with local missionaries Don & Judi Stinnett as well as several other organizations associated with Mission Pattaya.

We'll be leaving for our trip on July 17 (which is quickly approaching!) and getting back August 2nd.

During the two weeks we are there we will be very busy reaching people with all kinds of different needs from all sorts of backgrounds. One of the places we'll be spending quite a bit of time is at the Tamar Center that serves as a sort of safe haven for girls who are trying to get off the streets. At the Tamar center the girl's are housed, fed, counseled, and are taught a trade with the goal of being able to start their own business as a means to support themselves fully. We will also be doing outreach ministry on the bar streets in which we'll have the opportunity to share about the Tamar center as well as the redemptive love & transforming power of Jesus to all those we encounter there. We will be be asked to teach, share our personal testimonies, and serve throughout the different ministries there in Pattaya and surrounding areas including English camps, health clinics, group bible studies, counseling sessions and a sort of vacation bible school for the migrant children of the Cambodian refugees. I know God is going to do incredible things both in & through us while we are there!


The total cost of this trip is $2,550 which includes our airfare, food, & lodging while in Thailand. Our church commits to paying for 1/3 of the cost of our mission trips so I already have $850 covered. Then, as a team, we fundraise another 1/3 of the cost which we are in the process of & have quite a bit covered, as well. That leaves me responsible to personally raise support for the final 1/3 of $850. I have no doubt in my mind that God can & will provide all of the needs that are to be met in order for this trip to take place, & I would love for you to join me in the process as I step out in faith!

I am so excited to see what all God has in store for this trip & all of those involved. I know it will challenge, stretch, & grow me spiritually as well as emotionally so I am asking for your prayers as the team & I prepare our hearts & minds for all that is to come. Please consider embarking on this journey alongside me by partnering with me through your support-- both financial & otherwise. It would mean so much to me, be so helpful & so greatly appreciated. If you feel led to give please make checks payable to "Legacy Christian Church" & write "Thailand Mission Trip" followed by name in the memo section. Thanks so much in advance, friends. Can't wait to share with you all the mighty ways in which I know he will have moved both leading up to & during our trip to Thailand. Much love to you all & God bless! <3

Rivers from Wastelands

Isaiah 43:18-19 (NLT)

 “But forget all that—

    it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.

For I am about to do something new.

    See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?

I will make a pathway through the wilderness.

    I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

Sometimes it's hard not to feel trapped in the past. It can be very difficult to let go of things that've happened. It's nearly impossible to un-see some things. Or see beyond them, really. When we look back and all that's visible to us is this path of destruction that seems to be following relentlessly, it can feel as though the walls are closing in. As if we are out in this wilderness all alone, drowning hopelessly in the desolation all around. With no clue how we got there or how to get out. 

I don't know about you but I can definitely relate to that feeling. It's a scary place to be.

 "But..."

I think that's my favorite word in that entire Isaiah passage,

BUT: 

"used to introduce something contrasting to what has already been mentioned"

I love that. The idea of introducing something brand new. Like a fresh perspective. Change of scenery. Totally different than what had been. Nothing like what was previously seen. 

What an incredibly refreshing thought! Something that, at certain times in our lives especially, we all crave.

“Forget the former things;

    do not dwell on the past." (v. 18 NIV)

It sounds so simple. Yet, can we honestly do that? Just forget it. Wipe it all away, like a clean slate. A fresh start. No matter where we've been?

The answer is "yes" we can. Because what he's promised us far outweighs any situation we could ever find ourselves in.

Oh, the power we possess to rise above the bleakness our circumstances when we trust what he has said and believe it to be true. 

"See, I am doing a new thing!" (v. 19 NIV) 

One of the most life-altering aspects about being a Jesus follower is the call to trust Him outside of what we can see. Do you understand how much freedom that brings? When we are able to just let go and give it all over to him. Giving in to something much bigger than you or me. With our faith extending so far beyond what's right in front of us, we're able to see so much more clearly. As the harsh reality of whatever desert we've been residing in falls away, we look to Him for answers. For hope. For peace.

"Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?" (v. 19 NIV) 

That's a game-changer for me. Especially in seasons of trial. Where frustration, confusion, and pain are what's being felt most prevalently. (Which happens to be right where I've been finding myself lately.) BUT. Life is so much more than the way it seems. Because of what I know. Because of WHO I know and what He is capable of. I am no longer a slave to my sin. To the past. No longer do I have to feel trapped in this dry land, dying of thirst. Because I know Christ. He who IS living water and whose well never runs dry. So long as I trust and take the cup he's offering. Like a hand being held out to pull me back to safety. 

So travel on, fellow sojourners, and trust Him regardless of what you may currently see-- even if devastation surrounds. Our God is greater. His grace will abound. Let faith overshadow your doubt. He will come through. In fact, he has already begun. Even if we do not yet see it. A pathway will open up before us. 

"I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." (v. 19 NIV) 

While we are not promised that it will always be smooth or easy we can rest in the knowledge of the truth that we are not alone. He is always there. Fighting right alongside us to make a way where there seems to be none. He is doing something completely NEW and this place we feel like we've been stuck in for so long will be nothing in comparison. BUT, we must choose to believe beyond what we can see. Trusting that the one who is able to make rivers burst forth from dry wastelands is capable of doing the same thing within you and me.

Grace in the hard places.

You ever get jolted awake by your body physically flinging itself upright in some last attempt to save you from whatever terror has just threatened to consume you in your sleep? Now, I'm not referring to typical weird dreams that are bizarre but don't really seem to make much lucid sense. I'm talking about the one's where you wake up in a cold sweat, gasping for air. That feel so much like real-life that you can't really differentiate between the dream & reality. You're confused & disoriented to the point of questioning legitimately whether or not that really just happened. Trying to shake the unsettling feeling that maybe it did. Before eventually you start to calm down & catch your breath. Realizing that you're still in bed & it was all just one frighteningly realistic nightmare.

Twice. That's happened to me twice this week, already (& it's only Wednesday). 

Ah, the joy of anxiety dreams. 

I get them quite frequently. Sometimes seemingly for no reason. Other times having a direct correlation to a certain circumstance I'm dealing (or not dealing) with at the time.

The other night, I had one of those. ^

In this dream, I was driving. I lost control & I wrecked my car. I can't remember all the specific details beyond the fact that it was a serious accident. What I do remember, quite vividly, was having this very real fear that this was the end for me. I was pretty sure I was going to die. 

With this so-called "reality" gripping me I asked myself one question: if this was really 'it' for me, would I "be okay with the way things are?" 

Absolutely not. 

That question paralyzed me. Crippled by this feeling of complete helplessness & desperation. I felt frantic. In this state of absolute panic. There were so many things I had left unsettled, unfinished. But there was nothing I could do about it anymore. 

It was too late. 

Then, I woke up.

Yikes. 

Not a fun way to start the morning. 
(Thanks for that, subconscious.)

But it most definitely did, in all meanings of the phrase, wake me up.

My life had gotten pretty out of control. I no longer had a grip on reality. I had been in somewhat of a daze or fog for a good couple of months. 

In dealing with some difficult things I was faced with that all seemed to pile up at once & in trying to process through it all I didn't handle my emotions in the best or most productive way, per usual. 

Taking out my hurt, and frustration on all of those closest to me. Or just innocent bystanders who happened to be standing too close at the time. 

It got pretty ugly. 

I made myself miserable. Feeling ostracized, abandoned, & neglected all of which I basically accomplished all on my own. (Impressive, I know.) 

I distanced myself from some of my most favorite people in the world. I created tension & awkwardness between myself & others unnecessarily. I became completely self absorbed, threw a giant pity-party, & saw nothing outside of my own pain. Causing hurt & confusion for several different people, none of whom deserved any of it. 

So, yea. 

That dream was the rude awakening that I needed to jar me back into reality. I woke up for the first time in a long time with clarity. I had been stuck in my own head for such a long time. I realized it was time to make things right. 

I knew it wasn't going to be easy. My actions had been self-destructive & harsh. My overall demeanor had become ridiculously negative. I was almost completely unapproachable. 

(^^Super fun people to be around)

But I knew what needed to be done. I also knew it was a God-thing. So, even if it terrified me, I was ready. 

He has this way of lovingly, yet firmly, drawing us to our knees in humility and bringing us to this place of repentance, whether we like it or not. 

Let me tell you, it is NOT a fun place to be, but having finally been able to come to grips with the situation, recognizing the flaws in my behavior, & taking ownership for my actions & the pain caused by them was so incredibly freeing.

Still painful, nonetheless. No one likes being in those hard places. Where you have to face the facts & have difficult conversations. Apologize for the awful way that you've been. Then beg for forgiveness. 

It sucks. 

But so worth it in the long run.

Few things achieve humility as much as being granted something you know you don't deserve.

I don't know if you know this or not, but God happens to be really good at GRACE. I can attest to that truth because I happen to need a whole lot of it. Yet, I am completely undeserving. 

Yes, God has most certainly humbled me in this situation. 

I have been a hot-mess, there's no doubt about that. I'm sure watching my mostly self-afflicted  suffering was probably excruciating to him, as it was for some of my friends. 

He wasn't pleased with my behavior but He still continued to show up regardless. In random places. At weird times.

Grace looks completely different, I think, each time it's given. It's a unique gift not some simple 5-step forgiveness plan. But the offer's always there, that part doesn't ever change. 

God likes to get me at 5am. 

He woke me up one morning with the thought of a passage from Luke 7 floating around in my mind. This particular story was about a sinful woman who fell at Jesus' feet weeping as he sat at a table amongst a group of pharisees. (Bold move, mad props.)

44 Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.47 “I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” 48 Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.”

That got me. Broke me. I could completely relate. I am that sinful woman. 

I am forgiven. 

He was reminding me. Even in the midst of my struggle. Showing me grace. 

Though he doesn't condone, approve of, or affirm us in our sin or seasons of rebellion--by any means-- none of those things will ever disqualify us from being worthy of his love, deserving of his grace, or from receiving his forgiveness. 

In fact, as Jesus illustrated to his disciples in that Luke passage, being forgiven of much helps us to show much love.   

It also helps us to forgive much. 

At the end of the day, we are all in need of grace. We are all human. We are all sinners who fall short. We all give in to the flesh from time to time. We are all so completely undeserving.

Yet, even still, he offers it. 

Willingly. Freely. Joyfully. 

I needed that. 

This redemptive grace that comes in & takes hold of me, my heart, & the situation. Then commands that I make things right. While assuring me of the truth: I am not alone. Never too far gone. Always loved, no matter what. In spite of myself, & the way that I have been because he is God & he is good. 

Sometimes getting "unstuck" requires a good cry in the bathroom with a close friend. Sincerely apologizing after recognizing the extent of the wrong you've done & hurt you've caused. Just to be met with a compassionate & understanding hug, along with the ever-so-healing words, "I forgive you." 

Or an insanely realistic dream that wrecks you & rocks your world. Bringing you to this place of realization & revelation. Opening your previously blinded eyes to the severity of the situation. 

Or maybe just quiet moments in the wee hours of the night/early morning. The only time during your hectic day where you're completely without distraction. When you're able to hear God clearly. Simply reminding you, "It's okay. I love you. I'm still here" 

One thing is for sure, he doesn't ever give up. He continuously, relentlessly pursues us with a fiery passion that forgets the past & sees the very best. Even in the midst of the wrestling & downright ugliness raging within us he is right there taking full advantage of every opportunity to call us back to himself-- in love. Offering new hope. New life. Redemption. Forgiveness. We don't deserve it, not one bit. Truth is, we never will. But the beauty of God is that He knows that, he is fully aware. Yet, he offers it still. Be encouraged by this truth: there is an endless amount of grace for you & for me, even & especially amidst the hard places. 

Just a mom.

What is it with society these days? It literally shames everyone for everything. It's absolutely ridiculous and completely unfair. Yea, yea, I know.. "Life's not fair."

It seems to be especially hard on moms, though. Am I right!? No "mom group" in particular just moms, in general. All the moms. No matter what. They're all doing it all wrong, apparently.

Ugh.

Seriously, can we please, for the love of God, stop allowing this? At least by refusing to add to and/or encourage it.

No matter what "kind" of mom you are, I'm sure, like me, you've felt the weight of this pressure that somehow, no matter how hard you try you're just not doing things right. You're simply not good enough.

Well, that's a bunch of garbage. Because you are. We are. This whole mom thing is freaking hard, and endless. It doesn't come with instructions but does come with an insane amount of responsibility. It's incredibly daunting and tiresome but also so completely rewarding. So more than worth every silent, frustrated, tear shed late at night when they're all asleep in bed and you finally have a quiet moment to yourself. Probably feeling like somehow you've blown it, yet again. Praying to God that you haven't screwed them up too bad.

Yes, we moms typically are not lacking in the dramatics department. Honestly, though.. we are way, WAY too hard on ourselves.

It is absolutely impossible to live up to this whole "perfect mom" standard (as if that even exists!?) in the culture we live in. So we have got to stop beating ourselves up over it. And, dare I say, stop judging other moms for doing things a little bit (or a lot) differently than how we choose to ourselves.

I don't care what the reasoning is or how justified it seems, just stop doing it. I know it can be difficult when we're feeling like we're failing at everything. We want to look around and point to someone else. Like, "Well, at least I'm better than so & so because I don't let my kid eat/drink/say/do/act like such & such." As if somehow that's going to make us feel better about ourselves!?

No.

You are doing the best you can. And, more than likely, so is she. So please, for the sake of all moms, just stop. It really would make things so much more pleasant for all of us if we showed one another the same love, respect, and grace as we would like in return.
(Can I get an amen?)

One of the things that frustrates me most about my current life situation is this need I have to justify it to anyone and everyone. Which is so dumb. But I still feel it. Remember, we live in a society that tells us, "Hey, you. The one with the kids, doing the things.. Guess what? You suck." Basically.

For me, that struggle comes laced with this constant need to defend my roles/responsibilities as a stay at home mom. My favorite thing, "but what do you DO!?" Lol I love that question.

But honestly, this time in my life and in the lives of my precious kiddos' is literally probably THE most important. So why am I constantly feeling so beaten down by the world around me for this life choice? Believe me, it is not a choice that has been taken lightly. There are PLENTY of sacrifices that have been made to make it possible and I am just grateful more than anything for the opportunity to be able to do so. Especially because I do know a lot of working moms that would kill to have that and simply just can't. I cherish this time, I really do.

I love where I'm at. What I do is important. This time I've been blessed with to train up and teach my children is crucial. Probably one of the greatest tasks I will ever accomplish in my life.

Yet.

Somehow, I still feel like I'm expected to try and come up with some excuse for why I am where I'm at. Why I'm still "just a mom."

I know most people don't really mean anything by it when they ask. They are just curious, I guess. But when the questions start rolling in about my "career" (ha, whatever that is!?) like...

"What are you doing with your degree?"

"Don't you want more out of life?"

"When are you going back to work/school?"

"Have you thought about that yet?"

What's the time-frame?"

"Don't you have it all planned out?"

I start scrambling. Pulling for anything and everything I can to make my life sound more successful and put-together.

"Well, um. You know, right now I'm just doing the whole mom thing.. But, I volunteer at church and stuff too. Oh, and I go to the gym like 5 days a week. That counts, right!? I also write, sort of, occasionally...

I buy Girl Scout cookies, okay? I'm still contributing to society!"
(Thin mints, please;)

Literally throwing out everything I can possibly think of that might gain me some leverage in convincing them that I actually do things that matter.

Seriously, that's ridiculous.

Really.. As if what I'm doing isn't enough. That whole "mom thing" isn't really all that important. Isn't valid. Doesn't count. Like I'm just hurrying through this stage until I can get back to what matters. What my real purpose is.

For real!?!

Unfortunately, yes. This happens to me all. the. time. More than I'd like to admit.

I'm so done with doing that, though. With feeling that way. You know why? Because I am PROUD to be "just a mom." This IS my life's calling  and absolutely does fulfill me and give me purpose more so than anything else I've ever experienced. I mean, of course it does I'm literally raising tiny humans who will grow up into being adults one day. I want them to be healthy, successful, productive members of society. And probably more than anything else, just all-around decent human beings. It's a really big deal, when you actually stop to think about it. (No pressure)

But I don't, nor should I, need anyone else's approval or praise to make myself feel worthy or valuable. There is an immense amount of both of those things wrapped up in motherhood. It just gets overlooked often times because it's usually covered in spit-up and showers a little less frequently than one would choose.

Yep, being a mom is not glamorous. I don't care what pinterest tries to make you believe.

In reality, it is messy, raw, heart-wrenching, infuriating, incredibly wonderful, beautiful, insanity. It's not for everyone and that's okay too. But I want you to know, regardless of how you choose to do things, whether working, staying at home, or something in between. You are a rockstar mom and I'm pretty sure your kids most definitely think so too.

So, go on with ya bad self, girl, and stop letting society shame you into thinking your less-than for any reason. I know you're trying your hardest to always do what's best for your babies no matter what, at any cost. For what it's worth, mom-to-mom, I think that's amazing and so much more than enough.

Shattered things & extravagant grace

This picture basically sums up the way my life's been going for about the last year. Pretty much describes exactly how I've been feeling lately. Shattered. Broken. So far from who I used to be, what I was created for.

I made these ornaments a couple of years ago using my sweet & (then) tiny baby girl's little handprints. Finding them in pieces was the icing on the cake to an already piece of crap day. It was the final straw for me. I pretty much lost it.

Why is EVERYTHING falling apart? Why am I such a failure? This too!? 

Drama, drama, drama, I know.  Ugh, but that's usually how it goes, isn't it? It's the little things like this that end up being what finally leads me to my breaking point after I feel like I've been trying my hardest to hold it all together for so long. I just couldn't deal with one more thing in my life being broken & feeling so completely helpless knowing there's nothing I could do to fix it.

They've just been sitting there in that little wooden box for like a week now because I can't bring myself to throw them away. That seems so final, you know? & I'm just not ready to come to grips with reality yet, to admit defeat. But wait, are we talking about me... Or the ornaments!? Maybe a little bit of both. It sucks & I absolutely hate feeling so powerless in any situation. It's impossible for me to try & put all those tiny pieces back together. There's literally nothing I can do about it.

But, you know what? Maybe that's exactly where I need to be right now. Those fragmented ornaments are a perfect metaphor for my life & my need to give up control. I've got to stop clinging to shattered things because the longer I hold on to them-- the more I'm denying the inevitable-- the longer the process of healing is going to take. Eventually, I've got to make peace with this mess that has become my life in order to move on to a better place. To make room for God & His extravagant grace.

You see, I may not be able to do anything useful with all this brokenness but He absolutely can. He can make ALL things new. (Revelation 21:5)

I've just got to let go of the need to be "in control." To quit holding on to things that are doing me no good. It's time that I give them to God & let Him work His magic, if you will, to create something worthy, & useful again. Even from the mere scraps that I feel are all that's left of me. I'm never going to amount to anything more than just a shattered mess as long as I'm refusing to admit to the fact that I am, in fact, broken & in so much need.

 He's more than willing to meet me where I'm at. He's more than capable of rebuilding and redeeming all that's been lost. So as much as it pains me to do so, I'll be throwing away the precious little pieces of these once so beautiful & special ornaments. So that in their place something new can be created. Just like in my own heart, I've got to stop focusing on what was, on what I've lost. What good is it doing me to hold on to the broken pieces anyway? Looking at what's left of those ornaments everyday just reminds me of the fact that it happened & it's somehow all my fault & oh yea, I can't do anything to change it. Sounds healthy, right!?

Yet, It's almost the exact same thing that's going on in my mind constantly these days.

How did we get here? Why is everything such a mess? How in the world am I ever going to fix this?

It's like I'm looking around just wishing things would be different somehow. Like I'm just going to wake up from a bad dream & everything will all be back to the way it was. But unfortunately, life just doesn't work that way.

Until I'm ready to admit to the brokenness that exists inside of me, until I relinquish all control to the only One who can actually do something about it & make some sense of all the chaos, I'll still just be here staring at a little wooden box of shards, of what used to be, feeling so broken and helpless. It's time for me to hand it over to Him. To admit that I'm defeated & I can't do anything about it, not on my own anyway.

Finally accepting the reality of what is, is exactly what I need to do to allow the healing process to begin in my heart & in my life. To let go. To make peace. To make room for the new. To take these shattered things that make up me lately & trade them for God's extravagant grace. Allowing for His transforming power to move in me to create wholeness & beauty once again.

Mexico mission trip reflections

I almost didn't go to Mexico. I really, really wanted to go last year. In fact, I almost did go but I had just had a baby a couple months prior & I felt like my heart would've been torn between taking care of my sweet newborn son & serving the people there like I would have wanted to. So I decided it'd be better for me to just wait. I let those organizing the trip know that I definitely wanted to go the next year when the timing was better.

That year passed in a flash & so much happened in that time. Overall it'd been good year but there were also some things that I've had to deal with personally that I just wasn't prepared for. Things that kind of rocked me emotionally, spiritually, & they've definitely taken their toll. I'd been feeling kind of distant from God. Like I'd lost myself a little bit. It just seemed like everything was up in the air for me. I wasn't really sure of anything anymore, sinking in the fear of uncertainty.

Well, remembering the promise I had made & enthusiasm I'd shown over last year's trip I was approached & asked if I'd be willing to go on the Mexico mission trip this year. Honestly, my initial response (the one I said in my head anyway) was, "no." I kept thinking about how much of a mess my life had become & how I was in no place spiritually to be ministering to other people. But deep down inside there was always this small part of me that did really want to go. That felt as though I needed it in spite of everything that had been going on.

I'm probably one of the most indecisive people on the face of the planet, so I didn't say yes but I didn't say no either. I just kept putting it off & going back & forth on the decision. Persistently, they would ask & continuously I would give excuses as to why I hadn't actually made a decision yet. I'm sure that wasn't annoying at all. Ha! (sorry, Tina;)

Finally I was informed that if I did want to go I needed to say so ASAP because they were purchasing plane tickets & so forth. So, I decided that if my mother in law was available to keep my kiddos then I'd go. If she wasn't, then I wouldn't. That was my deciding factor.

Well, whaddya know? She said she could. So I decided, a little apprehensively, that I would go & that it obviously was meant to be or something.

Wow, am I so glad that I did! My time in Mexico was incredible & such an encouragement to my heart, which is something I had really been needing. It felt so good to be a part of something so meaningful again & the change of scenery (which was breathtakingly beautiful, by the way) wasn't all that bad either. ;)

I've always sort of felt "at home" on the mission field. Like it's where I belong. What I was created for. Ever since my very first trip I took to Port Au Prince, Haiti at just 12 years old, I've always felt like I was just meant for this. Leaving that orphanage, I felt like I was leaving a piece of my heart behind, or maybe even the whole thing. I cried the entire plane ride home because my poor little heart just couldn't handle the possibility of me never getting the chance to see those precious children again. Something had changed in me that week. I was impacted in a major way & I knew I'd never be the same again. Those babies had literally nothing to call their own but they gave me one of the greatest gifts I've ever received & helped teach me probably the most important lesson I'd ever learn in life. It had a lot to do with gratitude, contentment & just pure joy undeterred by circumstances. I'm eternally grateful to God for that initial experience & for the fact that I was able to return to that same orphanage every year after that until I was 18. God placed a burden on my heart for missions way back then & that call is still alive & well today. I feel so refreshed & encouraged to have been given the ability to go & be reminded of that truth, even (& especially) in light of my recent struggles. What a blessing!

It's funny to me how my immediate reaction was to disqualify myself for not really feeling like I had my crap together well enough to go & make any real difference. That way of thinking cannot be any further from the truth though, I'm convinced. At least not when it comes to God anyway. I mean, since when does He do things the way people would expect or by what's to be considered the "norm" anyway!?

That's probably one of the most amazing things about being a believer, the fact that it's not limiting. It's open to literally everyone. No one has more of a "right" than anyone else nor does any certain type of person or group "belong" more than another. We are all the same, completely equal in His eyes & in order to be used by Him all we really have to do is be willing. 

There's a quote I love so much that speaks volumes to me in confirming this truth & that is that,

"God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called."

 The fact that I had been struggling was not something that God was going to let keep me from still going & being used by Him to serve & love on the people there in Mexico. In fact, it might even have made me a more viable candidate for the job.

It's always intersting to me in scripture the way God singles out & chooses the most unexpected & seemingly "unfit" people to carry out these major parts & play this huge role in furthering the Kingdom somehow. So it really shouldn't come as that much of a surprise, right!? The fact that God could still use someone as insignificant as me.

I mean, just look at David. He was literally the very last choice & actually not even considered as an option at all by just about everyone. He was the smallest, the youngest & had no experience with war. Yet, he's the one God used to conquer the Philistines. That's amazing.

This truth is not only incredibly inspiring, it's so freeing. It's frees me from this all too prevalent misconception that our Christian society seems to shout which is that we have to somehow have everything all figured out & be completely without flaws to be used by God.

It really doesn't even make much sense when you actually stop and think about it. I mean, if we did have it all together. If we had everything going for us. If we had somehow attained perfection (as if that were even possible), then what would we even need God for at that point?

That's why, I believe 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 Says,  'But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.'

More often than not, He chooses those of us who are lowly, & struggling, & weak to be the unlikely heroes in His Story because we know that it is only through Christ that we are able to do these things. Having the knowledge that we are so completely useless & unworthy without Him is key. So that as His mighty power comes bursting forth out of us, & we are just as shocked as everyone else around us-- just as the seemingly unbeatable giant Goliath was brought down by a young boy with only a slingshot and a couple of small stones-- all we can do is give Him the praise & glory & honor that is due Him. For we know that this great feat accomplished had little (or nothing) to do with us, but everything to do with Him. For this kind of power we do not possess on our own. That measure of strength cannot possibly be found in us apart from Him.

It's beautiful really, the inner workings & coming together of it all. Oh, what an incredibly creative & unique Master we serve!

Looking back on this trip, one of the best things about it was the diversity of our team. There was a crazy mixture of all different ages, genders, & personality types coming from all over the place. Somehow, we all just seemed to mesh together so amazingly well. Better than I ever would've imagined. I think only God is capable of things like that. Outside of serving alongside one another, we genuinely enjoyed spending time together & bonded over mountain/pyramid climbing adventures, board games, & long car ride conversations. We all had such a blast getting to know one another & cracking jokes & singing songs in unison. I would never have put this group together in a million years but God did & man did he know what He was doing (obviously). I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to serve with, grow with, & just spend time with. What an absolute honor & joy it truly was on top of being a pleasant surprise that I never saw coming being that we were such an odd mix. ;)



The uniqueness of each member of our team was especially useful while putting on the VBS for the children there in Huehuetoca, Mexico. Everyone had a distinct part to play & worked hard at being sure to do their given tasks well. Each one played a vital role that was much-needed & necessary for helping to ensure that things would go as smoothly as possible.

We had a TON of kids show up, which was challenging at times to say the least but what a great problem to have! The first day we had about 89 children, which we thought was a lot until the next day when we had around 150! By the end of the week this incredible event reached about 180 children & their families! What a HUGE community impacted for Christ! Wow, it still blows me away when I think about it. God is so good!

I just feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to go & witness & be a part of such a powerful movement because I'm pretty sure it affected me just as much (if not more).

Texting with a friend after coming back she said (or typed;) something that really resonated with me. "It's crazy how it works...we go to serve and give and love and share and leave feeling more blessed by those we ministered to!" She's absolutely right about that & I'm so grateful for the way this trip has touched & uplifted my weary, slightly burnt out heart. Reigniting the passion I once felt. When I know I'm exactly where I need to be. There's nothing quite as fulfilling as being right in the middle of the will of God & being completely confident of that fact. Such an overwhelming sense of peace comes from knowing that it's not about me but solely resting upon God & His sovereignty & (thankfully) there's nothing I can do to screw that up.

I just feel the need to encourage you, friends, because I'm sure there are plenty others out there who have felt or are feeling the way I had been & I just want to ask that you please don't take yourself out of the race just based on whatever current circumstance you're finding yourself in. Don't deny yourself the possibility to go & be a blessing & be blessed in return because you feel like you aren't worthy, or qualified, or religious enough or whatever it may be. God can still use you & He will as long as you're willing & you will be better for it, I can promise you that!

hearts prone to wander & the Love that redeems

One of my favorite books of all time & one of the first (& few) I've ever read cover to cover is Francine Rivers,' Redeeming Love. It's a beautiful, compelling, heartbreaking, hope-giving story about sacrificial love, & longevity inspired by the story of Hosea & Gomer in the Bible. Where God commands Hosea to marry a prostitute to represent an unfaithful Israel who kept turning their backs on God despite all that He had done for them & brought them through.

"..Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods.." Hosea 3:1

The main character in Rivers' book, Michael Hosea, falls in love with a beautiful woman, who happens to be a prostitute. He feels that God is calling him to rescue her from that life & take her as his wife. So he does just that. It wasn't an easy task but He pays the price that's required to get her out of the bondage she's in & takes her home. She was now his, but it was nothing like the way it had been before & how she was treated by men previously. This time was much different. He didn't own her or take advantage of her like they had. He loves her well, is patient with her, & takes care of her. He even gives her a new name, something more suitable (& less stripper-like) so she didn't have to be reminded of her past. Despite all of the wonderful things he offers her, she (continuously) runs away from her now husband & returns to those old habits. Back into the arms of her oppressors/abusers & away from the only one to ever truly show her the love & respect she'd always longed for & deserved.

Ugh. 

The first time I ever read this book, I couldn't put it down. I was about 15 & I would read it at school in between classes (& probably during some too;) & I would get so angry at the hard-headedness of this girl. It was so frustrating to me. I just kept turning pages hoping this time it'd be different, that she'd learned her lesson, & she'd stay with him where she belonged. Where it was safe & she was loved. I just couldn't understand, it didn't make any sense to me at the time why she kept running away from someone so loving and good to her.

It still doesn't make a whole lot of logical sense to me, to be honest, but I can definitely understand on a deeper and more personal level the struggle she was going through. I've been just like that hard-headed girl more times than I'd like to admit. I can also most definitely relate to the fact that running away can just seem a little easier sometimes-- no matter how illogical.

No, she didn't really want to return to that life of sin & shame but that's all she ever knew.. & she didn't feel worthy of Mr. Hosea's faithful love & commitment. He was so honest, & tender, & good. Those things were so unfamiliar to her & quite frankly, it scared her a little bit (or probably a lot). She didn't want to let him down. She knew he deserved better. Maybe someone as pure & stable & put-together as he was. She knew she'd never be good enough for him. So she'd run away & go back to the only thing she'd ever known, because that's what was comfortable to her and what other option did she have?

It seems crazy though, right!? Why does she keep returning to the filth he fought so hard & sacrificed so much to get her out of? After everything he'd done for her, offering her a fresh start & a new life both of which she so desperately needed. Even after all that, though, He still loved her. He saw her not as she was or had been but for what she could be & he refused to give up on her. He would go after her each time she wandered, yet again, back down that dark path. Always forgiving, always loving & always reminding her that he didn't want her to be perfect, that she was already more than enough. That he loved her without conditions & he just wanted for her to choose to love him in return.

“I want you to love me. I want you to trust me enough to let me love you, and I want you to stay here with me so we can build a life together. That's what I want” -Michael Hosea ―Francine Rivers, Redeeming Love

Here's the thing: I am just like the prostitute from the book. Just like Gomer. 

I may not be able to relate to that life specifically but man do I know what it feels like to have a heart that is prone to wander. Ive tended to wander away from what's really good for me from time to time and my wandering heart has led me astray down some pretty destructive paths before.

But each time God saw me through eyes of love, in spite of whatever lowly state I was in, & had compassion. He came for me & rescued me from my life of sin. Because I belong to Him.

He already paid the ultimate price on the cross long ago so that I wouldn't have to.

He freed me from the bondage I was once enslaved to, gave me a fresh start, a new name, & promised me a bright future; an eternity with Him.

Much like Mr. Hosea in the story, God persistently loves & takes care of me, consistently goes after me when my heart has wandered off yet again, & forgives me each time I ask even after I've knowingly failed him time after time after time.

Recognizing how completely unworthy I am, this unrelenting love draws from me a repentance & respect I can't put into words. I'm in awe at His majesty that's so powerful but that also possesses the capability to love me so tenderly & know me so intimately right down to the most intricate little detail.

It's crazy & amazing all at the same time. I'm angry with myself but also astounded by his love which tells me that he remembers my sins no more & so I shouldn't dwell on them either. Once again offering me a fresh start, a clean slate. Every day. I'm wiped clean, made blameless in his sight. No matter how impossible that seems. For His mercies are new every morning!

Lamentations 3:22-23

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

    his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness."

I love the way God uses a human relationship through the book of Hosea in the Bible to depict what He was feeling when Israel kept returning to false God's & forsaking him. Putting the pain that he felt in terms we can truly grasp & understand in such a raw & personally convicting way gives such an impactful perspective.

 I think sometimes we tend to wrongly put God in this unreachable, unable to be explained mysterious box because we don't think we'll be able to appropriately perceive Him in all of his complexities. Though he is vast & mighty beyond our comprehension, at times, there are also facets to his being, I believe, that we can absolutely relate to.

I'll bet being broken hearted over a loved one's unfaithfulness is one of those things. Where we just might actually be able to understand God and what He feels a little bit better than we would like to think.

One of my favorite parts about Francine Rivers' version of this story of Hosea is the way its portrayed in such a way that I'm emotionally invested in it & can connect so well with the characters. I feel for Mr. Hosea. I feel his pain because I can relate. I've been there & my heart aches at the thought of it as I'm reminded of my own experiences. My own pain. I can't help but blurt out in my mind,

"How could she do that to him?"

But, wait...

Then it hits me hard,

"How could I do that to Him!?"

Just like the Israelites I am unfaithful to my God. I, all to easily, forget what he's done for me & turn my back on Him. Ending up running back to places I don't belong, doing things I shouldn't, idolizing worthless things in His place.

Ouch.

More than likely, at one point or another, we all all will have (if not already) felt the pain of loving someone who doesn't return those affections. Whether you're rejected or betrayed or some combination of the two, your heart is broken into a million pieces as you watch them walk away as if you never meant anything to them at all. Seemingly unconcerned by the fact that they meant everything to you. It's a pain that stings like little other, a wound that runs deep & is comparable to little else in this life.

Anyone who's ever experienced this kind of hurt and disloyalty knows what a terrible feeling it is.

This book makes God's pain real for me & breaks my heart all over again only not for myself this time but for Him. It brings light to the ugly truth, the harsh reality of the fact that I have done this to God & caused Him such terrible pain. Not just once or even occasionally but more than likely just about every. single. day.

It's annoyingly continuous with me & I can't help but think if someone else were reading a book of my life, how frustrated they would be (just like I was reading this one) at the fact that I keep denying God and going my own way, returning to the sin He's already saved me from countless times before.

That's a painful thing to come to grips with.

The reality of that truth wrecks me & it's hard to swallow. Almost too much to bear. It hurts so much to think about & I just feel sorry. So very, very sorry for the pain I've caused Him. The only one who's ever truly, fully, whole-heartedly & completely unconditionally loved me. The one who's saved me from my sin and from myself and keeps saving me.

I'm moved to tears at the realization of the fact that He cares so deeply for me, enough to hurt so much because of me. The amount of love He still has regardless of all the pain I've caused Him. He still keeps choosing me & desires to have a relationship with me. He keeps pursuing me with a fiery, unrelenting passion that says, 'You are mine and I will never stop loving you.'

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.

Isaiah 43:1

Just like Mr. Hosea would in the book. Every time she went back into her life of sin, he came for her. No matter what. Without question. He loves her, he wants better for her & he refuses to let her go down that path of destruction without at least putting up a fight.

Every. single. time. He fights for her. Takes a beating for her. Forgives her. Takes her in. Continues to love her unconditionally. Redeems her.

God does this same thing for me & I fail Him constantly.

I can't handle the thought of it.

I have this picture in my mind of God himself coming in at my darkest hour & carrying me out of the mess I'm in & back into the light where I belong. Safe in His warm embrace & able arms.

That's how it should be. Where I belong.

& I stay there for a while & all is right in the world & my wandering heart is settled there for a time in perfect peace.

I wish I could say that's where it ends. That I've learned my lesson for good. That my heart no longer strays. But the truth is, I can't. I'm a work in progress. Some days are better than others but I'm bound to fail again. I can tell you this though, I won't ever stop trying.

The incredible thing about that too, is that God will not accept defeat, He cannot fail & he never gives up on me either. No matter how many times I fail Him. I belong to Him & I can rest securely in that truth. I may slip up at times, or fall away temporarily but no matter how big I've blown it, or how many times I've made the same mistake over & over again, His grace is so much bigger than my failures & that is such a freeing truth to behold.

Our hearts are so stubborn but his love is relentless & it will overcome.

That kind of love changes things. The process may be long & drawn out & the progress slow & steady but it's movement nonetheless & it matters. His love for me never wavers & is not dependent upon my performance but only asks that I reciprocate the great love he has for me by choosing to love and accept Him in return. Then that I share with others the wonderful truth of what He's done for me. What He's done (or can do) for you. What He's done for all of us.

The fact is this, He wants better for us than what we're willing to settle for because it's what we feel like we've earned or "deserve." Our past mistakes are irrelevant to Him as He just wants us to live in light of the truth that we are so dearly loved, chosen, forgiven, redeemed, & desired by our Father in Heaven. We need not worry about tomorrow for our futures rest securely in Him.

Through Him, through the cross, through His grace
we are being made new, every day, by His redemptive love that refuses to give up. 


Hold fast to that truth, dear friends & keep fighting for your faith just like He's been fighting for you.