I haven't felt this broken since High school.
Immediately, that's where my mind goes, it takes me back to that place..
I'm 16 years old. Experiencing my first real heart break. I wake up in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my face. My poor little heart psychically hurts. It's hard to breathe. I don't know if or how I'll ever recover from this. I'm devastated. I thought I was in love. The only thing bringing me any kind of comfort is the thought of others I know, who have endured a break-up like this and survived, and somehow moved on. Time will heal, or so I hear..
It's strange to me how similarly I can relate these feelings, how my mind just makes this connection that forces me to go back to this dark place in my life and relive some of the hardest things I've ever faced. Back then, I was mourning the loss of a broken relationship. Now, I'm mourning the loss of a part of me. Something growing inside of me. A life. I was in love. From the very first moment I was made aware that I was to be blessed (again) to have a beautiful little miracle growing inside of me I was absolutely thrilled and so in love. Thinking of names, praying for him/or her, talking to my sweet pea about how awesome of a big sister she was going to be. My heart was so full with joy.
This past week has probably been one of the longest of my entire life. Last Monday, September 30th, just a few days shy of being 10 weeks pregnant I went in for my first ultrasound. They weren't able to detect a heartbeat. What? How can this be? I was so confused. So surprised. So hurt. They said I was measuring a week or so small, so that could be why but only time would tell. I didn't know how to respond, I couldn't respond because I didn't know. Nothing was certain and they didn't have any definite answers for me. They scheduled a follow-up appointment for the following Monday and that was it. I was numb. I went home and did the only thing I know to do in times like these, I called my mom and I cried. She assured me like mama's do and told me that no matter what everything was going to be okay and that everything was just as it should be. I eventually got off the phone with her, and then I prayed, a lot. I prayed for peace. I prayed for my baby. I prayed for a miracle. I knew that God was able, and that if He wanted to He could make this happen. I also knew that I wasn't promised that outcome and that what I feared most may be lying just ahead of me.
The next morning, I went to church for my SAHM's Bible study group. I hadn't really told anyone, besides family, that I was pregnant so they didn't know what was going on but they could tell that something was up. I ended up having a break-down and telling them all about what had happened at my doctor's appointment the day before. It was so good for my heart to open up and share this with them and to have them praying for me. God knew I would need that. He's so romantic in that way. One of the other mom's empathized with me as she had been through a very similar experience. This comforted my heart in an amazing way, but it also prepared me for what was likely to be the outcome, as was with her's. Which obviously was not what we were hoping for. God knew I needed that as well, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear.
One of the things we've been talking about in our group is how sometimes, as women, we get frustrated with our husbands when they're not as romantic as we'd like them to be. Then God brought to our attention how romantic He is and how He uses the simplest little acts that end up meaning so much and being just what we needed to let us know He's thinking of us, He cares, and He loves us. When we were finishing up and gathering our things to go I was fidgeting with my Bible and it fell open to a page where some passages in Psalm 38 had been marked. Also not an accident. I remember when I highlighted these verses several months before and thinking, "Man, these are really good when you are going through something tough." I read the verses to myself and it was like I was listening to the cry of my own heart. Just what I needed to hear. He is so romantic.
The first couple verses, marked "The Struggle" were as follows:
9 O Lord all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you.
10 My heart throbs; my strength fails me, and the light of my eyes-- it also has gone from me.The next few verses were marked "The Promise" and read:
15 But for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer.
21 Do not forsake me, O Lord! O my God, be not far from me!
22 Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation!It's amazing how intimately He knows me! Not only that He knew that this was exactly what I needed on that very day at the very moment but that He had brought my attention to it months ago when it didn't really apply to my life, knowing that I would be needing just that now several months later. I cannot even express in words the depth of the meaning that is behind the words of these verses and how they spoke to me. It was all so on-target with how I was feeling. The longing, the sighing, my strength failing, the light of my eyes-- gone, BUT I will wait, He will answer, He won't be far from me, He'll help me through this thing. So honest. So powerful. So true. All these things going through my mind, these revelations and little victories, it felt like an eternity had passed already. In reality, it had only been one day of this process. It was still only Tuesday.
So many different waves of emotions washed over me over the course of the next couple of days. The ups, the downs, the twists and turns. I felt like I was stuck on this roller coaster of my own emotions. The two most prevalent being spurts of intense sadness and then just quiet moments of hope.
Though it was hard and the waiting excruciating, it was really good for me spiritually as relying on God was literally my only option. I had absolutely no control over this situation. All I could do was just pray, and wait. Being in such a state of vulnerability, helplessness, and desperation really helped me to experience God in a more intimate and authentic way. He wanted me to cry out to Him and then He just wanted me to be quiet and to be still. To have faith and just trust Him.
Finally, Monday came around, the moment of truth. Honestly, I was dreading it. Due to some signs I had been experiencing over the weekend, I knew what was probably going to happen and it wasn't going to be the good news I had been hoping and praying for that whole week. But at least I would have some sort of absolution, so I could finally have some closure and make peace with it. There was still this little spark of hope lingering, God can do anything, ya know. I knew deep down for whatever reason, though, that this was probably something I was just going to have to walk through.
I did end up losing the baby. Tears streamed down my face as we drove home. I don't know why these things happen and I could sit here all day trying to make sense of it all, but there are a couple things I do know: He is close to the brokenhearted, He works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him, and His plan (though sometimes painful) is perfect. He is sovereign and I am resting in that.
I have also learned things and have drawn closer to God through this whole experience and for that, I am grateful. I love that God is able to take these moments when we are at our lowest, that Satan intends to tear us apart, and He uses them to draw us closer to Himself. I know He hates to see me hurt but He loves being the only one able to piece me back together. To pick up all these broken scraps spread across the floor and make this completely new and beautiful creation.
I've heard from those who have walked through this that you are finally able to make peace with things once you become pregnant again and then are holding your new baby in your arms and you realize that if that terrible thing had never happened you wouldn't be here with this baby now. I look forward to that day. I know that if and when I am blessed again with pregnancy it will be beautiful, it will be perfect, and it will all be worth it. And in the words of my sweet hubby who is a master at being positive, "We already have a baby in Heaven! That's what parents try their whole live's to do. To train their kids in such a way that they come to know Jesus and go to Heaven. And our's is already there, how awesome is that!?" <3
My heart is still hurting, and it will take some time to mourn this loss and to completely heal but God will carry me through. I rest assured that I am not experiencing this for no reason. I pray and know that one day I will be able to be there for someone else. Just like my friend who was able to be there for me. I hate that she had to go through it too but I am so grateful that she was there to comfort me at that time and in a way that only someone who has already walked through it could. It reminds me of how precious I am to God. I wasn't necessarily planning on telling the other moms what happened, but God knew I would, He knew that my friend who's also experienced it would be there to comfort me and He knew that it would be exactly what I needed. He is so romantic.
Psalm 34:18
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Romans 8:28
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
