Many of you probably remember the post I wrote last fall sharing my story about the baby I lost when I was nearly 10 weeks pregnant. After that initial post life moved on as it always does it doesn't wait for you to mourn or grieve or get your crap together it just keeps on going. To most of those around me, I seemed to be handling things pretty well. Seemed to have all the right answers. Seemed to know what to say. Seemed to put on a pretty good face and seemed to be doing just fine. The funny thing about what seems to be is that it can be quite contradictory from the way things actually are.
esse quam videri- A latin phrase meaning "to be rather than to seem (to be)."
That's not to discredit anything I said in that post. I meant and believed with all my heart every word of what I said in it. I did know the right answer: that God had a plan and even if I couldn't see it, or didn't understand it, or like the outcome, even, I could trust that He had it all under control and is working it all out, even the tragedy and heartache for something good. Which is completely, one hundred percent true.
Did that, however, completely eliminate negative thoughts from creeping back in my mind; did it automatically make it all plain and simple and easy to cope with; did it immediately make all the pain, and sadness disappear; quite frankly, no, it did not.
And that fact is not for any other reason than my own stubbornness and pride. And I just had some issues with actually applying the truth that I knew to my life when those two big things got in the way. You see, I can say that I trust God and that I've made peace with things but until I truly let go, relinquish control (the little I thought I had), and let Him have it all it's not genuine and it's not going to do me one bit of good.
Here's the next part of my story that I've only shared with a few others, due to the fact that it's honest, raw, and really just ugly, on my part. But hang tight-- thankfully, with God there's always a beautiful ending.
To say that I struggled with the loss of my baby is an understatement. It haunted me day in and out (some better/worse than others, of course) for a solid 8 months. I remember having to go in my phone and erase all the little milestones I had marked on my calendar: 12 weeks, 16 weeks, 20 weeks (pink or blue!?), 24 weeks, 32 weeks, 36 weeks, 40 weeks (due date!). delete. delete. delete. One by one I had to erase each one of them individually reliving the fact that we would never reach any of those days with this pregnancy, with this baby, and I bawled my eyes out.
I wasn't just sad and disappointed, though those emotions were quite prevalent, as well, I was straight up mad. And anyone who knows me and has been lucky enough (ha) to have seen the extent of my cuban attitude knows that this is a scary place for me to be residing. I was angry with God. but I had plans. It was going to be perfect. Why did you take this from me?
Selfishness.
I kept telling myself (as well as others) that I knew it was for a reason and that I was okay and had made peace with things but that was simply just untrue. I wasn't blatantly trying to lie I just simply was refusing to completely release it and give it to Him like I had planned to and should have from the very beginning. Instead, I wanted to hold on to what little bit of control I did have and not only that, I wanted to run with it.
As we females often do, I began obsessing over getting pregnant again feeling that things would be so much better once this happened. That I couldn't fully heal until then. So I began marking my calendar highlighting ovulation days and then (I am embarrassed even to say) I began counting from that day to calculate when the due date would be (because that matters, you know, has to be a good, solid date) if I happened to wind up getting pregnant that day. I know, I sound like a crazy person but this is the mess of a reality I found myself in. Each month being disappointed by the fact that I was still somehow not pregnant.
As you can imagine, I was driving my sweet hubby absolutely nuts but he was always kind yet direct with his words and would have no problem putting me into place. "Don't you think we will get pregnant again when God wants it to happen?" he would say. Well, yes, yes, of course but that doesn't mean I can't know and try and just pretty much take matters into my own hands, right!? ha. Incorrect.
Ignorance.
I was so blinded by my own selfish desires and the need for control that I spent most of my days in a slump and not only missed out on so many potential blessings but I also failed to see obvious things that I've known forever and were right in front of my face.
Hubs and I ended up deciding (more like he decided and I reluctantly agreed-- sort of) that maybe it'd be best to wait to have any more kids until after we were done with school. "Don't you want the opportunity to stay home with this baby like you did with Makenna? You want a baby now but it's not necessarily the best time for it. Don't you want to be there and give this next baby the best you possibly can even if that means having to wait?" There he goes again, being all right and putting me in my place. After all, doesn't it seem that that is what God wants with all this trying and nothing happening. So again, with my reluctance we stopped "trying."
It was like I had to mourn the loss of the miscarriage that I suffered several months earlier all over again because I had placed so much of my hope (as well as, time and energy) in the fact that I would just get pregnant again right away that I don't think I even properly grieved the loss before I was already obsessing over getting pregnant with the next. Ouch. It hurts when I put it that way.
Insensitivity.
So there I was, basically back to square one and feeling pretty low and that's when the breakthrough happened. I like to call it the "breakthrough beyond the struggle." I was in the shower one day and I was just crying out to God, I was being honest and open and wasn't holding anything back. He can handle it, right?
God I'm just so angry, this is so unfair, how could you take my child from me...
Before the words even left my lips I shuddered at the thought of what I'd just said and who I'd just said it to. He could handle it, yes but could I handle what happened next? The response I got back though it wasn't quite an audible voice might as well've been. It was spoken with a fierceness I've never known before but was also stricken with grief,
Don't you think I know how that feels?
I could almost see the hurt in His eyes. At my ignorance, my selfishness, my insensitivity. My knees hit the tile floor and I completely fell apart. It absolutely wrecked me, in the best way possible. In that moment, my heart was broken open wide no longer for myself but for God, my Savior. I cried out to Him and just kept repeating the words, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." How could I be so blind to have not seen this before? Of course He knows exactly what I'm going through only He choose that path out of His own selflessness. The difference between me and God is that He willingly offered up His only son to save me-- a selfish little brat who throws a fit when she doesn't get what she wants.
The beautiful part about all that is that His grace is way greater than my failure and no sooner than my knees hit that floor was He lifting me back up to comfort me, and hold me, to let me know it's okay, He's been there, He know's the depths of my hurt, and most of all that He loves me so stinkin' much. Drawing me gently into this place of intense worship and intimacy with Him. A place I hadn't been in a long time. That's where He wanted me all along.
And if for no other reason than to experience God in this raw and authentic way like I never have before and to be able to comprehend even the tiniest little bit more of what He put himself through for me, well then it was all worth it. Every last tear drop that fell from my eyes, all the pain, sadness, frustration and fears He was right there with me through it all and even though I turned my back on Him He stayed there with a hand on my shoulder just waiting patiently for me to turn back around, to let Him in, so I could see what He sees, what He did, and that He willingly made this great sacrifice, to which now I could comprehend the depths of a little bit better, for me.
That next Sunday morning, I went to the youth house to help "lead" the discussion for Sunday School. It's funny though as a "leader" how much the kids actually end up teaching you especially without them even realizing it. We had an awesome talk about Job and the horrible things he went through in his life and how this made his faith in God even stronger as he continued to trust Him through it all. We then started discussing things in our own lives that get taken away from us and why possibly that might happen. When this insightful teenager (a boy even;) pipes up and says something like, "Well, sometimes I think God allows things to be taken from us when we're putting them above Him and idolizing them." Wow!
He hit the nail on the head with that one. I never even stopped to notice or recognize that I had been idolizing this ideal of becoming pregnant again and in doing so I was almost completely ignoring God except when I wanted to yell at Him about how mad I was and how unfair it was. Yet He didn't hold that against me.. the minute I asked for His forgiveness, in fact, He remembered it no more.
I felt like this huge weight had been lifted off my back that I was no longer carrying around this burden. I felt light and free, full of joy and at peace, for real this time, knowing that God didn't only have a wonderful plan but He also has shared in every bit of my suffering only a billion times worse and that He was walking with me through this thing. Again, that's not a new concept but selfishness has a way of making us blind to things that are otherwise quite obvious, right? And I was glad to be re-experiencing this very intimate and relational aspect of my Father, who loves me so dearly, all over again.
A few days after that, I found out the most unexpected and incredibly exciting news-- I was pregnant! We weren't even trying? What an amazing gift and blessing from God that I in no way deserve! I don't want that to be the focal point of this post, however, but rather the fact that God is so incredibly good and He knows what is best for me. He knows what is best for me. Had to say it again because apparently I forget way too easily. In my "perfect plan" I was supposed to have the baby that I lost back in April and I would likely not have finished my Bachelor's degree that I've been working so hard for the last 2 years. In His perfect plan I'll be (Lord willing) graduating in December and having my sweet babe in February. Perfect timing. His perfect timing.
My advice to my future self (because unfortunately I'm sure this won't be the last time I find myself in a scenario like this) and to any others who may be dealing with similar hardships: stop struggling, lay it down, and let God take over. Save yourself the heartache, and the headache. Set your pride aside so you can hold on to your dignity. I think about how silly I must have looked. Probably comparable to my 2 and a half year old who crosses her arms and pooches out her lips complete with furrowed brows, a foot stamp, and oh, the tears when she doesn't get what she wants because I know it's not what she needs right now. Trust Him. I promise, He will not let you down but instead He'll bless you beyond your wildest dreams. I am so grateful for the beautiful blessings He's bestowed. I know that I am so undeserving but I'm so glad He uses my heartache when I get to the other side of it (eventually, after I stop being so stubborn) to draw me into Himself to experience even further the depths of His great love for me. Oh, what a beautiful journey it is.
Jeremiah 29:11(NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Romans 8:28(NIV)
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
1 John 1:9New International Version (NIV)
9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Ephesians 3:20-21(NIV)
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
