The first time I ever heard from God (that I can remember, at least) was when I was 12 years old and on my very first missions trip at the New Life Children's Home in Port Au Prince, Haiti. I felt God speak into my spirit that this was what I was going to spend my life doing, that I was called to be a missionary. That moment and the whole experience leading up to it and then there after has really laid the groundwork for my spiritual walk. It has been a constant that has always stayed in the back of my mind and something I would always come back to. I have heard a lot from Him since then but the message has continuously remained the same.
I came across a journal entry I wrote 6 years after my first experience in Haiti and this is what it read:
December 27, 2008
"I have been shown no greater (human) love than that of these children. If only the world could comprehend maybe money would start to lose some of it's importance. The joy they continually have is beyond me. One could ask how someone who has so little could be so happy. Learning from them, I've discovered that maybe they've mastered the concept of being content in ALL situations regardless of useless possessions. Let me not forget this irreplaceable feeling of complete pride and contentment which I've received from my children in Haiti as I watch them grow and mature every year. Thank you Jesus for the wonderful opportunity. You've changed my heart and mind. Use me now for what You have planned. *freeze* Let me rest in this place of peace with these children so full of love."
Just having returned from a missions trip to Jamaica last week (blog post for that to come) and then reading back over all of this has completely humbled and rejuvenated me. It is an amazing thing to hear from God then to see him not only put it into action but then to still be continuing to carry it out now so many years later (11, to be exact;) is simply an indescribable feeling. I am convinced there's not a whole lot here on earth that's better. Knowing that for my entire life He's been piecing together this perfect plan; this extravagant, on-going event and He's been paying such close attention to all the intricate details I didn't even see. And now I get to sit back and watch as it all comes together, as the curtain comes down. All this? For me? I will never understand it. My heart has and will never know of such greater love than this.
I sort of have this ongoing theme in my life lately of how God is so romantic and He has made it a point to bring to my attention things I've never really noticed before. Most of which have been centered around how much He truly loves and knows me so intimately. So much so that He speaks straight into my soul. This post is going to be comprised of the things I've felt in my spirit, that God has spoken to me through the years. In a way, they're like little love notes here and there gently reminding me of the Truth and of His promises. Letting me know that I'm special and that He cares. What girl doesn't desire and blush at the thought of the man in her life romancing her in this way? I would always try to write it down in a journal whenever I would hear a Word from the Lord. Sometimes that's how I would hear from Him. I would have no idea what to write when I put my pen in position but then as my pen started moving words would just start appearing on the paper, almost as if He was writing it for me. Gently guiding my hand.
He said to me:
October 13, 2010
"My child, I've got you. Trust me."
November 12, 2010
"I have called you to love my people."
November 23, 2010
"Young lady, I love you. Give Me your everything so that I can give you the world."
"Love My people, My command for you is to love My people."
December 10, 2010
"Child, let Me heal you."
January 9, 2011
God spoke to me. He smiled at me, gave me a thumbs up and said, "Daughter, I am proud of you. Do you know what that means?"
February 5, 2011
"I want you to hold their hands."
Reading the book, Reckless Faith and pondering what my 'duties' as a missionary would be, this was God's response to me. <3
February 28, 2012
Quiet Time with God
"Just trust Me."
"Let Me be your source of Joy."
"Don't let go of the vision I gave you long ago."
"Makenna belongs to Me, but I have entrusted her to you, to care for her. Seek My guidance in EVERYTHING."
"Stop talking bad about your friends, My children."
"Live freely, let yourself open up to the ones I've placed in your life to be there for you."
"You have no idea how much I love you."
"Let Me handle it, and watch My perfect plan unfold."
"You may not always understand, but I have your best interest at heart."
"Listen with your heart."
"Let My peace sustain you."
October 1, 2012
"Tend to My sheep."
August 2, 2013
"My Beloved Daughter, I have missed you. Open up to Me and let Me in. Open up your heart and clear it of all the clutter. Make room for me and the problem with your heart will be no more."
August 6, 2013
After watching a video study on being a Circle Maker:
What do I need to circle with prayer?
What promise to circle and claim?
What do I need to walk around and circle physically in a prayer walk?
"What is it that you want Me to do for you?"
November 21, 2013
"Don't be afraid to let Me use you."
It's amazing how God knows my deepest darkest fears and doubts and quiets them with His love and words of Truth. He wants me to know how special I am to Him, how proud He is of me, that He is and will be using me in wonderful ways despite all my flaws and insecurities. I will cherish these little love notes forever as I go back and read them and add more. May I always remain in His love and make the time to quiet myself so that I am able to hear His Spirit speaking to my soul.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
my brokenness and the One who romances my heart
My heart is broken.
I haven't felt this broken since High school.
Immediately, that's where my mind goes, it takes me back to that place..
I'm 16 years old. Experiencing my first real heart break. I wake up in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my face. My poor little heart psychically hurts. It's hard to breathe. I don't know if or how I'll ever recover from this. I'm devastated. I thought I was in love. The only thing bringing me any kind of comfort is the thought of others I know, who have endured a break-up like this and survived, and somehow moved on. Time will heal, or so I hear..
It's strange to me how similarly I can relate these feelings, how my mind just makes this connection that forces me to go back to this dark place in my life and relive some of the hardest things I've ever faced. Back then, I was mourning the loss of a broken relationship. Now, I'm mourning the loss of a part of me. Something growing inside of me. A life. I was in love. From the very first moment I was made aware that I was to be blessed (again) to have a beautiful little miracle growing inside of me I was absolutely thrilled and so in love. Thinking of names, praying for him/or her, talking to my sweet pea about how awesome of a big sister she was going to be. My heart was so full with joy.
This past week has probably been one of the longest of my entire life. Last Monday, September 30th, just a few days shy of being 10 weeks pregnant I went in for my first ultrasound. They weren't able to detect a heartbeat. What? How can this be? I was so confused. So surprised. So hurt. They said I was measuring a week or so small, so that could be why but only time would tell. I didn't know how to respond, I couldn't respond because I didn't know. Nothing was certain and they didn't have any definite answers for me. They scheduled a follow-up appointment for the following Monday and that was it. I was numb. I went home and did the only thing I know to do in times like these, I called my mom and I cried. She assured me like mama's do and told me that no matter what everything was going to be okay and that everything was just as it should be. I eventually got off the phone with her, and then I prayed, a lot. I prayed for peace. I prayed for my baby. I prayed for a miracle. I knew that God was able, and that if He wanted to He could make this happen. I also knew that I wasn't promised that outcome and that what I feared most may be lying just ahead of me.
The next morning, I went to church for my SAHM's Bible study group. I hadn't really told anyone, besides family, that I was pregnant so they didn't know what was going on but they could tell that something was up. I ended up having a break-down and telling them all about what had happened at my doctor's appointment the day before. It was so good for my heart to open up and share this with them and to have them praying for me. God knew I would need that. He's so romantic in that way. One of the other mom's empathized with me as she had been through a very similar experience. This comforted my heart in an amazing way, but it also prepared me for what was likely to be the outcome, as was with her's. Which obviously was not what we were hoping for. God knew I needed that as well, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear.
One of the things we've been talking about in our group is how sometimes, as women, we get frustrated with our husbands when they're not as romantic as we'd like them to be. Then God brought to our attention how romantic He is and how He uses the simplest little acts that end up meaning so much and being just what we needed to let us know He's thinking of us, He cares, and He loves us. When we were finishing up and gathering our things to go I was fidgeting with my Bible and it fell open to a page where some passages in Psalm 38 had been marked. Also not an accident. I remember when I highlighted these verses several months before and thinking, "Man, these are really good when you are going through something tough." I read the verses to myself and it was like I was listening to the cry of my own heart. Just what I needed to hear. He is so romantic.
The first couple verses, marked "The Struggle" were as follows:
So many different waves of emotions washed over me over the course of the next couple of days. The ups, the downs, the twists and turns. I felt like I was stuck on this roller coaster of my own emotions. The two most prevalent being spurts of intense sadness and then just quiet moments of hope.
Though it was hard and the waiting excruciating, it was really good for me spiritually as relying on God was literally my only option. I had absolutely no control over this situation. All I could do was just pray, and wait. Being in such a state of vulnerability, helplessness, and desperation really helped me to experience God in a more intimate and authentic way. He wanted me to cry out to Him and then He just wanted me to be quiet and to be still. To have faith and just trust Him.
Finally, Monday came around, the moment of truth. Honestly, I was dreading it. Due to some signs I had been experiencing over the weekend, I knew what was probably going to happen and it wasn't going to be the good news I had been hoping and praying for that whole week. But at least I would have some sort of absolution, so I could finally have some closure and make peace with it. There was still this little spark of hope lingering, God can do anything, ya know. I knew deep down for whatever reason, though, that this was probably something I was just going to have to walk through.
I did end up losing the baby. Tears streamed down my face as we drove home. I don't know why these things happen and I could sit here all day trying to make sense of it all, but there are a couple things I do know: He is close to the brokenhearted, He works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him, and His plan (though sometimes painful) is perfect. He is sovereign and I am resting in that.
I have also learned things and have drawn closer to God through this whole experience and for that, I am grateful. I love that God is able to take these moments when we are at our lowest, that Satan intends to tear us apart, and He uses them to draw us closer to Himself. I know He hates to see me hurt but He loves being the only one able to piece me back together. To pick up all these broken scraps spread across the floor and make this completely new and beautiful creation.
I've heard from those who have walked through this that you are finally able to make peace with things once you become pregnant again and then are holding your new baby in your arms and you realize that if that terrible thing had never happened you wouldn't be here with this baby now. I look forward to that day. I know that if and when I am blessed again with pregnancy it will be beautiful, it will be perfect, and it will all be worth it. And in the words of my sweet hubby who is a master at being positive, "We already have a baby in Heaven! That's what parents try their whole live's to do. To train their kids in such a way that they come to know Jesus and go to Heaven. And our's is already there, how awesome is that!?" <3
My heart is still hurting, and it will take some time to mourn this loss and to completely heal but God will carry me through. I rest assured that I am not experiencing this for no reason. I pray and know that one day I will be able to be there for someone else. Just like my friend who was able to be there for me. I hate that she had to go through it too but I am so grateful that she was there to comfort me at that time and in a way that only someone who has already walked through it could. It reminds me of how precious I am to God. I wasn't necessarily planning on telling the other moms what happened, but God knew I would, He knew that my friend who's also experienced it would be there to comfort me and He knew that it would be exactly what I needed. He is so romantic.
I haven't felt this broken since High school.
Immediately, that's where my mind goes, it takes me back to that place..
I'm 16 years old. Experiencing my first real heart break. I wake up in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my face. My poor little heart psychically hurts. It's hard to breathe. I don't know if or how I'll ever recover from this. I'm devastated. I thought I was in love. The only thing bringing me any kind of comfort is the thought of others I know, who have endured a break-up like this and survived, and somehow moved on. Time will heal, or so I hear..
It's strange to me how similarly I can relate these feelings, how my mind just makes this connection that forces me to go back to this dark place in my life and relive some of the hardest things I've ever faced. Back then, I was mourning the loss of a broken relationship. Now, I'm mourning the loss of a part of me. Something growing inside of me. A life. I was in love. From the very first moment I was made aware that I was to be blessed (again) to have a beautiful little miracle growing inside of me I was absolutely thrilled and so in love. Thinking of names, praying for him/or her, talking to my sweet pea about how awesome of a big sister she was going to be. My heart was so full with joy.
This past week has probably been one of the longest of my entire life. Last Monday, September 30th, just a few days shy of being 10 weeks pregnant I went in for my first ultrasound. They weren't able to detect a heartbeat. What? How can this be? I was so confused. So surprised. So hurt. They said I was measuring a week or so small, so that could be why but only time would tell. I didn't know how to respond, I couldn't respond because I didn't know. Nothing was certain and they didn't have any definite answers for me. They scheduled a follow-up appointment for the following Monday and that was it. I was numb. I went home and did the only thing I know to do in times like these, I called my mom and I cried. She assured me like mama's do and told me that no matter what everything was going to be okay and that everything was just as it should be. I eventually got off the phone with her, and then I prayed, a lot. I prayed for peace. I prayed for my baby. I prayed for a miracle. I knew that God was able, and that if He wanted to He could make this happen. I also knew that I wasn't promised that outcome and that what I feared most may be lying just ahead of me.
The next morning, I went to church for my SAHM's Bible study group. I hadn't really told anyone, besides family, that I was pregnant so they didn't know what was going on but they could tell that something was up. I ended up having a break-down and telling them all about what had happened at my doctor's appointment the day before. It was so good for my heart to open up and share this with them and to have them praying for me. God knew I would need that. He's so romantic in that way. One of the other mom's empathized with me as she had been through a very similar experience. This comforted my heart in an amazing way, but it also prepared me for what was likely to be the outcome, as was with her's. Which obviously was not what we were hoping for. God knew I needed that as well, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear.
One of the things we've been talking about in our group is how sometimes, as women, we get frustrated with our husbands when they're not as romantic as we'd like them to be. Then God brought to our attention how romantic He is and how He uses the simplest little acts that end up meaning so much and being just what we needed to let us know He's thinking of us, He cares, and He loves us. When we were finishing up and gathering our things to go I was fidgeting with my Bible and it fell open to a page where some passages in Psalm 38 had been marked. Also not an accident. I remember when I highlighted these verses several months before and thinking, "Man, these are really good when you are going through something tough." I read the verses to myself and it was like I was listening to the cry of my own heart. Just what I needed to hear. He is so romantic.
The first couple verses, marked "The Struggle" were as follows:
9 O Lord all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you.
10 My heart throbs; my strength fails me, and the light of my eyes-- it also has gone from me.The next few verses were marked "The Promise" and read:
15 But for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer.
21 Do not forsake me, O Lord! O my God, be not far from me!
22 Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation!It's amazing how intimately He knows me! Not only that He knew that this was exactly what I needed on that very day at the very moment but that He had brought my attention to it months ago when it didn't really apply to my life, knowing that I would be needing just that now several months later. I cannot even express in words the depth of the meaning that is behind the words of these verses and how they spoke to me. It was all so on-target with how I was feeling. The longing, the sighing, my strength failing, the light of my eyes-- gone, BUT I will wait, He will answer, He won't be far from me, He'll help me through this thing. So honest. So powerful. So true. All these things going through my mind, these revelations and little victories, it felt like an eternity had passed already. In reality, it had only been one day of this process. It was still only Tuesday.
So many different waves of emotions washed over me over the course of the next couple of days. The ups, the downs, the twists and turns. I felt like I was stuck on this roller coaster of my own emotions. The two most prevalent being spurts of intense sadness and then just quiet moments of hope.
Though it was hard and the waiting excruciating, it was really good for me spiritually as relying on God was literally my only option. I had absolutely no control over this situation. All I could do was just pray, and wait. Being in such a state of vulnerability, helplessness, and desperation really helped me to experience God in a more intimate and authentic way. He wanted me to cry out to Him and then He just wanted me to be quiet and to be still. To have faith and just trust Him.
Finally, Monday came around, the moment of truth. Honestly, I was dreading it. Due to some signs I had been experiencing over the weekend, I knew what was probably going to happen and it wasn't going to be the good news I had been hoping and praying for that whole week. But at least I would have some sort of absolution, so I could finally have some closure and make peace with it. There was still this little spark of hope lingering, God can do anything, ya know. I knew deep down for whatever reason, though, that this was probably something I was just going to have to walk through.
I did end up losing the baby. Tears streamed down my face as we drove home. I don't know why these things happen and I could sit here all day trying to make sense of it all, but there are a couple things I do know: He is close to the brokenhearted, He works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him, and His plan (though sometimes painful) is perfect. He is sovereign and I am resting in that.
I have also learned things and have drawn closer to God through this whole experience and for that, I am grateful. I love that God is able to take these moments when we are at our lowest, that Satan intends to tear us apart, and He uses them to draw us closer to Himself. I know He hates to see me hurt but He loves being the only one able to piece me back together. To pick up all these broken scraps spread across the floor and make this completely new and beautiful creation.
I've heard from those who have walked through this that you are finally able to make peace with things once you become pregnant again and then are holding your new baby in your arms and you realize that if that terrible thing had never happened you wouldn't be here with this baby now. I look forward to that day. I know that if and when I am blessed again with pregnancy it will be beautiful, it will be perfect, and it will all be worth it. And in the words of my sweet hubby who is a master at being positive, "We already have a baby in Heaven! That's what parents try their whole live's to do. To train their kids in such a way that they come to know Jesus and go to Heaven. And our's is already there, how awesome is that!?" <3
My heart is still hurting, and it will take some time to mourn this loss and to completely heal but God will carry me through. I rest assured that I am not experiencing this for no reason. I pray and know that one day I will be able to be there for someone else. Just like my friend who was able to be there for me. I hate that she had to go through it too but I am so grateful that she was there to comfort me at that time and in a way that only someone who has already walked through it could. It reminds me of how precious I am to God. I wasn't necessarily planning on telling the other moms what happened, but God knew I would, He knew that my friend who's also experienced it would be there to comfort me and He knew that it would be exactly what I needed. He is so romantic.
Psalm 34:18
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Romans 8:28
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
the accidental prayer walk
Prayer walk story part I:
So over the summer we meet with the youth group girls on Tuesday mornings for some Bible study time. One day (probably a couple weeks ago now) we watched a video from Mark Batterson in which he was describing to us the idea of being a "Circle Maker." (He has a book about it, you should check it out.) He shared a personal testimony about how when his church was first getting started and there weren't very many regular attenders He felt the call of God asking Him to walk around his church campus. To do a prayer walk. He ended up not only walking the whole church property, but the entire surrounding neighborhood and then continued onto a good couple of blocks after that, as well. I don't remember all the details very well but he committed to walking that same circle and praying specific things over it and claiming promises for his church for a certain number of days. Now, years later so many of the buildings he walked past or under or around have become vital parts to his now booming church and affiliated ministries. Now with the need for, I believe he said, 7 different campuses! How awesome is that?
(sidenote: did you notice a pattern there? I apparently have an extreme difficulty with paying attention to detail, but I still get the gist of things, right!? Lol)
At the end of the video, he went on to challenge us. To circle promises in God's word and claim them in prayer. Then also to commit to praying for something in the same place, at the same time, every day, for a certain number of days. I thought it was a great idea that day and I was excited to go home and get my prayer walk on. I went home, put my daughter down for her nap and went to a quiet place. Unfortunately, I couldn't really put my finger on anything specific that I wanted to dedicate my prayer time to. Nor could I decide about a specific place or route that I wanted to walk each day. So sadly, after being distracted by Facebook and probably something else, too, most likely pretty and/or shiny, I didn't really give it a whole lot of thought after that.
Prayer walk story part II:
This morning I met a friend at Starbucks, just to chat and catch up. Since we only have 1 vehicle currently and my sweet hubby is at work, I buckled my 1 year old in her stroller and we walked. I didn't really think about much of anything on the way there, besides the fact that the FL summer heat was already kicking my butt, making me sweat profusely because it was so scorching hot outside even though it was not even 10 in the morning yet.
On the way back, however, instead of going my normal route which would have taken only about 5 mins or so to be back home out of the now nearing 11am full-blown sun I decided to go a different way. I took the long way. What started it was my attraction to this particular side street. It was shaded with lots of big oak trees and just looked really inviting. I'm still not quite sure what exactly it was, but something told me to walk down this road. So I did. Even though it was not only off my normal course but would add an extra solid 10-15 mins to our trek home.
During our extra long walk we past some men working, a couple people biking, lots of houses, and a middle school. About half way down the road that tempted me with it's luscious shade trees, I wondered what the heck I was doing. If I should just turn around and go back the way I came because it would probably still end up being faster than circling all the way around like I would have to continuing this way. Then all of a sudden it hit me, DUH! I'm doing a prayer walk. Only I was forgetting to do the most important part; pray! So I started to pray about anything and everything and we continued on our walk. We ended up completely circling that middle school (of which I know nothing about, BTW). We came up on the left side of it, then walked right out in front of it, then circled back down around the right side to head towards home. I'm pretty certain there is a reason, a very specific reason, in fact, (of which I am currently unaware) for that.
So I did a prayer walk today, and it was kind of an accident. From what I know about God though, and the way He works, it really wasn't an accident at all. I have no earthly idea what will come of it, but I am claiming the promise that something will. There are no accidents with God. Nothing is just a coincidence. It all ends up coming together, even if just as the tiniest little piece of the puzzle of His big picture plan. I can't wait to see what He has in store. Specifically, for this area that I have "circled" and am now committing to walk regularly and pray specific things for and over, as I am led by His spirit to do so in these next 30 days. (too bad I didn't subconsciously commit to doing a prayer walk during a cooler part of the day, eyy!?;)
*http://www.thecirclemaker.com/ the link to the website for the book
So over the summer we meet with the youth group girls on Tuesday mornings for some Bible study time. One day (probably a couple weeks ago now) we watched a video from Mark Batterson in which he was describing to us the idea of being a "Circle Maker." (He has a book about it, you should check it out.) He shared a personal testimony about how when his church was first getting started and there weren't very many regular attenders He felt the call of God asking Him to walk around his church campus. To do a prayer walk. He ended up not only walking the whole church property, but the entire surrounding neighborhood and then continued onto a good couple of blocks after that, as well. I don't remember all the details very well but he committed to walking that same circle and praying specific things over it and claiming promises for his church for a certain number of days. Now, years later so many of the buildings he walked past or under or around have become vital parts to his now booming church and affiliated ministries. Now with the need for, I believe he said, 7 different campuses! How awesome is that?
(sidenote: did you notice a pattern there? I apparently have an extreme difficulty with paying attention to detail, but I still get the gist of things, right!? Lol)
At the end of the video, he went on to challenge us. To circle promises in God's word and claim them in prayer. Then also to commit to praying for something in the same place, at the same time, every day, for a certain number of days. I thought it was a great idea that day and I was excited to go home and get my prayer walk on. I went home, put my daughter down for her nap and went to a quiet place. Unfortunately, I couldn't really put my finger on anything specific that I wanted to dedicate my prayer time to. Nor could I decide about a specific place or route that I wanted to walk each day. So sadly, after being distracted by Facebook and probably something else, too, most likely pretty and/or shiny, I didn't really give it a whole lot of thought after that.
Prayer walk story part II:
This morning I met a friend at Starbucks, just to chat and catch up. Since we only have 1 vehicle currently and my sweet hubby is at work, I buckled my 1 year old in her stroller and we walked. I didn't really think about much of anything on the way there, besides the fact that the FL summer heat was already kicking my butt, making me sweat profusely because it was so scorching hot outside even though it was not even 10 in the morning yet.
On the way back, however, instead of going my normal route which would have taken only about 5 mins or so to be back home out of the now nearing 11am full-blown sun I decided to go a different way. I took the long way. What started it was my attraction to this particular side street. It was shaded with lots of big oak trees and just looked really inviting. I'm still not quite sure what exactly it was, but something told me to walk down this road. So I did. Even though it was not only off my normal course but would add an extra solid 10-15 mins to our trek home.
During our extra long walk we past some men working, a couple people biking, lots of houses, and a middle school. About half way down the road that tempted me with it's luscious shade trees, I wondered what the heck I was doing. If I should just turn around and go back the way I came because it would probably still end up being faster than circling all the way around like I would have to continuing this way. Then all of a sudden it hit me, DUH! I'm doing a prayer walk. Only I was forgetting to do the most important part; pray! So I started to pray about anything and everything and we continued on our walk. We ended up completely circling that middle school (of which I know nothing about, BTW). We came up on the left side of it, then walked right out in front of it, then circled back down around the right side to head towards home. I'm pretty certain there is a reason, a very specific reason, in fact, (of which I am currently unaware) for that.
So I did a prayer walk today, and it was kind of an accident. From what I know about God though, and the way He works, it really wasn't an accident at all. I have no earthly idea what will come of it, but I am claiming the promise that something will. There are no accidents with God. Nothing is just a coincidence. It all ends up coming together, even if just as the tiniest little piece of the puzzle of His big picture plan. I can't wait to see what He has in store. Specifically, for this area that I have "circled" and am now committing to walk regularly and pray specific things for and over, as I am led by His spirit to do so in these next 30 days. (too bad I didn't subconsciously commit to doing a prayer walk during a cooler part of the day, eyy!?;)
The prayer walk route I will be making for the next 30 days at about 10:30 am. Originally it started out a little bit smaller, but God and I decided to broaden the spectrum a tad bit, to make it a little more geometrical. Now it's a non-rounded, pentagon of a "circle." :)
Monday, August 12, 2013
a whole jar full of coins when all I needed was two dimes.. because that's just how God rolls.
At the risk of sounding incredibly cheesy and a little pathetic, I'm going to share a story with you. So I needed a dollar. There's a baseball game we're taking the youth group to tonight and because it's "family night" the cost to get in is only $1. No big deal. Well I don't generally have cash, like rarely ever. So I was scrounging up whatever change I could find laying around the house and I managed to scrape up eighty cents. Sweet. All I need is two dimes. Surely I can find twenty cents laying around here somewhere! I checked the last couple places I could think of and found a few pennies, but that was it. Man, this is sad, do I really not even have a dollar worth of change?
Then I noticed something on my book shelf behind a stack of things that I had let pile up for a while. I moved the rubbish and rubbed my eyes to make sure I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing. Sure enough, there it was. It seemed to be shining with this halo-like outlining of glory, like a pile of gold. Complete with the opera singer sound that's made when you find something shiny and/or important. It was the answer to all my problems. A whole jar full of change! I could probably pay for everybody's way into the game if I wanted to. Okay, so maybe there wasn't that much, but definitely much more than I was expecting or hoping for, or needed. So I did a little happy dance, and smiled with satisfaction.
Then it hit me, isn't that exactly what God does? It's like we're praying for whatever it is we specifically need to barely scrape by. To have just enough, and what does He do? BAM! He greatly exceeds our wildest dreams. Goes way above and beyond what we could ever ask or imagine. Simply because He can, He loves us, and He enjoys not only providing for us but completely blowing our minds with His generosity. He wants us to taste and see how good He is, to worship Him for it, and to share this Truth with others.
I know sometimes it doesn't seem that way, sometimes it feels like we've been praying for something with no result for freakin ever but I can promise you that He does hear you. Even your simplest prayer. Even your quietest whisper. Even your most silent cry. He will respond to you, too. In His perfect timing. Brace yourself though, because when He does, it's likely it'll knock you off your feet! That's just how God rolls, I guess. He sees us down here all stressed out over two measly dimes and he laughs, not out of mockery, but more like sympathetically(emphasis on the pathetic;). It's humorous to Him how silly we are sometimes. Then he says with excitement, "Oh, you just wait!"
We have absolutely no idea the amount or to what extent the incredible and amazing things He has in store for us! I'm pretty sure that's why He commands us to just trust Him. To not worry about anything, but rather pray about everything. He is God after all. He knows what He's doing and He is definitely not lacking in any of the resources. Whatever it may be that we are currently in-need of. Be it twenty cents or a miracle healing. He's got this, so relax. I can promise you this, that right at this very moment He is working on something specifically for you that will completely blow you away, make you speechless, and help you recognize how big and awesome this God is that we serve and just how much He truly does care about each and every little detail of our lives.
Then I noticed something on my book shelf behind a stack of things that I had let pile up for a while. I moved the rubbish and rubbed my eyes to make sure I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing. Sure enough, there it was. It seemed to be shining with this halo-like outlining of glory, like a pile of gold. Complete with the opera singer sound that's made when you find something shiny and/or important. It was the answer to all my problems. A whole jar full of change! I could probably pay for everybody's way into the game if I wanted to. Okay, so maybe there wasn't that much, but definitely much more than I was expecting or hoping for, or needed. So I did a little happy dance, and smiled with satisfaction.
Then it hit me, isn't that exactly what God does? It's like we're praying for whatever it is we specifically need to barely scrape by. To have just enough, and what does He do? BAM! He greatly exceeds our wildest dreams. Goes way above and beyond what we could ever ask or imagine. Simply because He can, He loves us, and He enjoys not only providing for us but completely blowing our minds with His generosity. He wants us to taste and see how good He is, to worship Him for it, and to share this Truth with others.
I know sometimes it doesn't seem that way, sometimes it feels like we've been praying for something with no result for freakin ever but I can promise you that He does hear you. Even your simplest prayer. Even your quietest whisper. Even your most silent cry. He will respond to you, too. In His perfect timing. Brace yourself though, because when He does, it's likely it'll knock you off your feet! That's just how God rolls, I guess. He sees us down here all stressed out over two measly dimes and he laughs, not out of mockery, but more like sympathetically(emphasis on the pathetic;). It's humorous to Him how silly we are sometimes. Then he says with excitement, "Oh, you just wait!"
We have absolutely no idea the amount or to what extent the incredible and amazing things He has in store for us! I'm pretty sure that's why He commands us to just trust Him. To not worry about anything, but rather pray about everything. He is God after all. He knows what He's doing and He is definitely not lacking in any of the resources. Whatever it may be that we are currently in-need of. Be it twenty cents or a miracle healing. He's got this, so relax. I can promise you this, that right at this very moment He is working on something specifically for you that will completely blow you away, make you speechless, and help you recognize how big and awesome this God is that we serve and just how much He truly does care about each and every little detail of our lives.
Jamaica trip support letter
Greetings sweet friends and family!
I am thrilled to announce that I have been given the opportunity to go on a missions trip to Jamaica in November of 2013. I am asking you to embark on this exciting journey with me. While maybe not physically, I'd love for you to join me through your prayers and support! Thanks so much for taking the time to read over this letter and thanks even more for just being a part of my life and helping to shape the person I am, in Christ, today.
I am going on this 9 day adventure (November 5-14) with Caribbean Christian Construction, a missions organization located in Mocho, Jamaica dedicated to helping the people better their situations mostly through building projects; in which they are working along side them in order to teach them trades, as well. On top of evangelizing in the community and discipling the new believers.While we are there we will be putting a roof on their church building. The walls are up and ready for the roof to be assembled. Our hope is to have the roof completely finished while we're there so that they can use their church building and are able to worship in it for the very first time. Obviously I don't have a whole lot of expertise to offer in that area but there are kids that like to hang out around the church yard and most of my time will be dedicated to reaching them. My goal is to build relationships through doing crafts and activities and to share the love of Jesus by teaching and simply just by loving on and spending time with them. I will also be helping out with a Bible study with the Jamaican women that will meet each morning. I am so looking forward to mentoring and encouraging these ladies. As well as, being mutually blessed by getting to know each of them and learning about the Jamaican culture.
The calling God placed on my life back when I was just 12 years old and took my very first missions trip to Port Au Prince, Haiti is still very much alive today. As many of you are aware, I have a huge heart for missions and am incredibly passionate about working with children and women, specifically. So when my good friend Allan Detwiler, a building contractor and the organizer of this trip, approached me saying that he felt like I would be a good asset to his team I was more than ready and willing to commit. I am blessed and honored to be given this opportunity to allow God to use my love for and experience with children's ministry in whatever ways He has planned and I am prayerfully dedicating to do His will. I am so looking forward to this trip and am more than excited to see what the Lord has planned for it and everyone involved.
Please pray with me as there are lots of things that need to be accomplished and have to come together in order for this trip to take place. Relying only on my faith in Him and in the way He's always provided for me in the past I am confident that it will. My total financial need for this trip is $1,200 and needs to be paid, in-full, by the end of September of this year. Any support received that exceeds my personal financial need will be put towards buying the tools and supplies needed for building the roof while we are there. Any beyond that will be used to bless and meet the needs of those residing and attending the church this ministry has started and built there in Mocho, Jamaica.
If you would like to come alongside me as I embark on this journey, through your support, any size gift would be very much appreciated. You can either mail a check to me personally at 2110 Brandy Place Lakeland, FL 33803, or you can mail your check directly to Carribbean Christian Construction (CCC) at 3230 Nichols Road Lithia, FL 33547. Just be sure to include my name in the memo if sending your gift to CCC, or whatever it may be that you specifically wish to support regarding this trip. Also if you have a surplus of some sort of resource that you feel might be helpful to us on this trip and are willing to donate (be it hygiene products, small toys, clothes, craft supplies etc.) please feel free to contact me via Facebook or phone (cell #: 352-745-2003) so that we can work out details with that. Thanks so much, in advance!
I am so incredibly grateful for this opportunity to Go and Serve and I cannot wait to come back and share with you through stories and pictures the amazing things I'm sure that are to take place on this missions trip. Thank you so much for your support and especially for your prayers. Please join me as I am praying specifically that God will use me by speaking through me and that He will open the hearts of His precious children and let them be attentive and sensitive to His voice so that they may know Him and be saved. Much love to you all and God bless!
I am so incredibly grateful for this opportunity to Go and Serve and I cannot wait to come back and share with you through stories and pictures the amazing things I'm sure that are to take place on this missions trip. Thank you so much for your support and especially for your prayers. Please join me as I am praying specifically that God will use me by speaking through me and that He will open the hearts of His precious children and let them be attentive and sensitive to His voice so that they may know Him and be saved. Much love to you all and God bless!
Sincerely,
Jordyn Miller
Isaiah 68:8
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"
1 Peter 4:10
Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms.
Our fearless leader and my good friend, Allan Detwiler working on a project in Jamaica.
A little back-story: I first met Allan when we both signed up to help out with our church, Legacy Christian's, local service project, Operation Serve. We were going to canvas the neighborhood to find out the needs of those around us so that we could come together as a church body and the body of Christ to meet those needs, with no strings attached. Simply because as children of God it's what He has commanded us to do. Allan and I were teamed up as partner's for this day of meeting and greeting our neighborhood people. I made a joke about the fact that Allan was old enough to be my dad and we all had a good laugh. God did awesome things through that first day of service and then further when we actually went on to meet the specific needs of those people (and He still is). It's awesome that a friendship that began through serving our community locally is now continuing to serve alongside one another in another country. Also, I am grateful to have one of my spiritual "Dads" looking out for me while I'm there so far away from my home and family.
Allan and his team from a previous trip to Mocho, Jamaica
Friday, August 2, 2013
how feeling like I had "the right to be angry" almost ruined our marriage
This post is different than any one I've written before. Instead of talking with symbols and ambiguously I am going to expose myself. My flaws. Specifically regarding my marriage, and my short-comings as a wife that I am now being made aware of. I am vulnerably putting myself out there because I feel like the things I am about to share will help others as well as me with my own personal growth. So, let's get on with it..
My sweet hubby and I have been going through kind of a rocky stage for a while now. We're just a couple babies with a baby (who happens to be the funniest and most amazing little one year old girl I've ever met;) of our own. We are high school sweethearts and have been together over 5 years now (married for 2). I guess you could say we've gotten to the point where it's far from that starry-eyed "happily ever after" and it's more like we're just going through the motions. We've kind of lost the romance. The fireworks. The excitement, that we once had. We're just making our way through this journey called life, together; but most days instead of cherishing each moment and enjoying one another, we're struggling to even have a decent conversation. The "D" word is completely unacceptable in our house. Especially being that we both experienced first-hand the ugly and heart-breaking aftermaths of divorce. We made a commitment to ourselves, to each other, and to God that we would not ever let it get to that point. We can always work it out. Can't we? Lately, there's been more downs than ups. More bickering than laughing. It's been hard.
Last night though, we finally had a breakthrough. We finally were able to connect with each other and were open and honest with one another about our fears and feelings, our hopes and our struggles. Both of us immediately felt this huge weight lifted. Like we had been bottling these things up for so long and were finally been able to just let it all out. I feel personally responsible for the majority of our lack of solid communication here in the last year or so. Not that he is perfect, we both played our parts but God has opened my eyes to things I've never seen (or cared to see) before, in regards to the way I treat my husband. I have to own up to that and try and make it better. After we had talked a little bit Ry shared with me the reason he felt so comfortable opening up at that moment was because for once I was listening. Really listening. Just listening, and not reacting.
I guess I have the tendency to fly off the handles and respond in ways that are less than inviting and in no way positive or encouraging. I have not been very good at being "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." In fact, I have pretty much mastered the opposite. If he said something I didn't like or disagreed with I would immediately jump down his throat and belittle him. Making him feel terrible and regret ever having brought it up. Now you see why I am placing the blame mostly on myself, right? How on earth is he ever supposed to open-up to me about anything if he doesn't feel like he is in a safe place? Where he won't get attacked for saying something I think is wrong. I am so glad that for whatever reason last night, I decided to put down all my defense weapons and really just hear him out, without getting upset. He was so relieved when I did that and it made a tremendous difference, almost immediately, in the way we interacted with one another. It allowed us to be real. Gave us room to be free. To say the things that we not only wanted, but the things that needed to be said.
So what the crap was my problem in the first place? What did all that stem from? I guess you could say I felt like I had the right to be angry. The things that Ryan was struggling with I just could not accept. They were too big for me. And due to my own personal experiences with them, too hurtful as well. Instead of giving him the grace that I should, that I myself am constantly in-need of and am ever so often receiving, I just became angry. I took it personally and held it against him. I resented him for the things he was doing. Which in-turn made me cold and unapproachable, making him distant and reserved.
There are so many things wrong with what I was doing and the way I was handling things. One: I was being a complete hypocrite. I have my own struggles, one of which being my self-righteous attitude and ignorance to my own flaws. I was pointing out the speck in his eye while failing to notice the plank in my own. Two: I was completely disrespecting my husband. The one I am commanded to respect and submit to. The one I chose to do life with. The one I committed my heart to, solely. Three: I was deliberately disobeying God. He was asking me to surrender this thing to Him. To trust Him. To be still and let Him handle it. I refused, though, tried to take matters into my own hands and created this whole mess. (and the list could go on, and on..)
Recently, I had texted one of my closest friends and asked her to pray for me, regarding this situation. Regarding something that Ryan happened to be struggling with. I told her that I just really wasn't sure how to handle it. That I didn't know what I was supposed to do about it. She assured me that she'd be praying for me and I went to bed. The next morning I woke up and with the answer fresh on my mind, I knew exactly what I was supposed to do about this particular scenario. Nothing at all. I struggled with that but then it became clear to me that on top of disobeying God I was trying to be him. I had felt like it was too big of an issue for me to handle, because it is. It is not up to me to fix my husband from all his so-called "problems." He is a child of God-- flaws and all-- as am I and we are both responsible to Him alone for our actions.
I can honestly say that I've learned a very valuable lesson. I've discovered a key ingredient to not only just staying married but being happily united with my one true love and very best friend. The secret is this: Shut up and listen! Without judgement. Which is obviously the same way in which I would like to be treated. It doesn't get any more cliche than that. The number one Sunday school answer. The golden rule. But it's the dang truth. My attitude towards my husband and my over-reaction to things not only drew us away from one another but could have potentially ruined us. Luckily, I have a man who is very patient with me and forgiving and a God who is bigger than us both and is teaching us daily, through His unfailing love, how to love one another in the same way, unconditionally.
After all, we did commit to, for better or worse, didn't we!? It is in no way easy which is probably why the Bible warns us about the troubles that come to those who choose to get married. It completely goes against human nature in more ways than one. It is so incredibly more than worth it though. Now I can say with confidence (as a work in progress, of course) that I am thoroughly enjoying attempting to actually live out the things that I said before. Back when Ryan surprised me with my life-long dream of riding in a hot air balloon and I said "yes" to his big question, and then 4 months later on that beautiful day at the beach where we looked into each other's eyes and made those promises, that life-long commitment and meant it.
My sweet hubby and I have been going through kind of a rocky stage for a while now. We're just a couple babies with a baby (who happens to be the funniest and most amazing little one year old girl I've ever met;) of our own. We are high school sweethearts and have been together over 5 years now (married for 2). I guess you could say we've gotten to the point where it's far from that starry-eyed "happily ever after" and it's more like we're just going through the motions. We've kind of lost the romance. The fireworks. The excitement, that we once had. We're just making our way through this journey called life, together; but most days instead of cherishing each moment and enjoying one another, we're struggling to even have a decent conversation. The "D" word is completely unacceptable in our house. Especially being that we both experienced first-hand the ugly and heart-breaking aftermaths of divorce. We made a commitment to ourselves, to each other, and to God that we would not ever let it get to that point. We can always work it out. Can't we? Lately, there's been more downs than ups. More bickering than laughing. It's been hard.
Last night though, we finally had a breakthrough. We finally were able to connect with each other and were open and honest with one another about our fears and feelings, our hopes and our struggles. Both of us immediately felt this huge weight lifted. Like we had been bottling these things up for so long and were finally been able to just let it all out. I feel personally responsible for the majority of our lack of solid communication here in the last year or so. Not that he is perfect, we both played our parts but God has opened my eyes to things I've never seen (or cared to see) before, in regards to the way I treat my husband. I have to own up to that and try and make it better. After we had talked a little bit Ry shared with me the reason he felt so comfortable opening up at that moment was because for once I was listening. Really listening. Just listening, and not reacting.
I guess I have the tendency to fly off the handles and respond in ways that are less than inviting and in no way positive or encouraging. I have not been very good at being "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." In fact, I have pretty much mastered the opposite. If he said something I didn't like or disagreed with I would immediately jump down his throat and belittle him. Making him feel terrible and regret ever having brought it up. Now you see why I am placing the blame mostly on myself, right? How on earth is he ever supposed to open-up to me about anything if he doesn't feel like he is in a safe place? Where he won't get attacked for saying something I think is wrong. I am so glad that for whatever reason last night, I decided to put down all my defense weapons and really just hear him out, without getting upset. He was so relieved when I did that and it made a tremendous difference, almost immediately, in the way we interacted with one another. It allowed us to be real. Gave us room to be free. To say the things that we not only wanted, but the things that needed to be said.
So what the crap was my problem in the first place? What did all that stem from? I guess you could say I felt like I had the right to be angry. The things that Ryan was struggling with I just could not accept. They were too big for me. And due to my own personal experiences with them, too hurtful as well. Instead of giving him the grace that I should, that I myself am constantly in-need of and am ever so often receiving, I just became angry. I took it personally and held it against him. I resented him for the things he was doing. Which in-turn made me cold and unapproachable, making him distant and reserved.
There are so many things wrong with what I was doing and the way I was handling things. One: I was being a complete hypocrite. I have my own struggles, one of which being my self-righteous attitude and ignorance to my own flaws. I was pointing out the speck in his eye while failing to notice the plank in my own. Two: I was completely disrespecting my husband. The one I am commanded to respect and submit to. The one I chose to do life with. The one I committed my heart to, solely. Three: I was deliberately disobeying God. He was asking me to surrender this thing to Him. To trust Him. To be still and let Him handle it. I refused, though, tried to take matters into my own hands and created this whole mess. (and the list could go on, and on..)
Recently, I had texted one of my closest friends and asked her to pray for me, regarding this situation. Regarding something that Ryan happened to be struggling with. I told her that I just really wasn't sure how to handle it. That I didn't know what I was supposed to do about it. She assured me that she'd be praying for me and I went to bed. The next morning I woke up and with the answer fresh on my mind, I knew exactly what I was supposed to do about this particular scenario. Nothing at all. I struggled with that but then it became clear to me that on top of disobeying God I was trying to be him. I had felt like it was too big of an issue for me to handle, because it is. It is not up to me to fix my husband from all his so-called "problems." He is a child of God-- flaws and all-- as am I and we are both responsible to Him alone for our actions.
I can honestly say that I've learned a very valuable lesson. I've discovered a key ingredient to not only just staying married but being happily united with my one true love and very best friend. The secret is this: Shut up and listen! Without judgement. Which is obviously the same way in which I would like to be treated. It doesn't get any more cliche than that. The number one Sunday school answer. The golden rule. But it's the dang truth. My attitude towards my husband and my over-reaction to things not only drew us away from one another but could have potentially ruined us. Luckily, I have a man who is very patient with me and forgiving and a God who is bigger than us both and is teaching us daily, through His unfailing love, how to love one another in the same way, unconditionally.
After all, we did commit to, for better or worse, didn't we!? It is in no way easy which is probably why the Bible warns us about the troubles that come to those who choose to get married. It completely goes against human nature in more ways than one. It is so incredibly more than worth it though. Now I can say with confidence (as a work in progress, of course) that I am thoroughly enjoying attempting to actually live out the things that I said before. Back when Ryan surprised me with my life-long dream of riding in a hot air balloon and I said "yes" to his big question, and then 4 months later on that beautiful day at the beach where we looked into each other's eyes and made those promises, that life-long commitment and meant it.
James 1:19
Listening and Doing
19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,Matthew 7:3-5
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Ephesians 5:22-23
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
Matthew 19:4-6
4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’[a] 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’[b]? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’[a] 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’[b]? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
Thursday, August 1, 2013
the playground of life
I woke up this morning feeling exhausted. Not physically, but mentally. I feel like a kid who's been running around on the playground all day long. Literally out of breath from constantly racing from one thing to the next.
Currently, I'm on the seesaw. Worn out from the seemingly endless ups and downs of life that threaten to overwhelm me on a regular basis. One minute I'm up and for a second everything's good then it's right back down I go, and there's no break in between. I'm right smack dab in the middle of a constant battle. The struggle to rise up after I've fallen only to be brought back down again, momentarily. I'm struggling to find that balance. Between the highs and the lows. Between the good and the bad. Where I can just be even if for just a brief point in time.
*see·saw- change rapidly and repeatedly from one position, situation, or condition to another and back again;
Now I'm on to the merry go round. I get on (at my own risk) and it starts moving. It seems fun and exciting, at first, exhilarating even. Then, before I even realize what's happening it's spinning out of control, I feel like I am going to be sick, and all I want to do is bail. Getting off, however, is much more challenging than it was just to step on like I did to begin with. Now, it's going full speed and my only exit option is to close my eyes, and jump off. Praying that I land in a nice soft spot in the dirt and that I can walk away without any serious injuries.
*merry go round- a never-ending cycle of activities and events (especially when they seem to have little purpose)
Next is the swing. Probably the most pleasant thing there is to do at the park. It's where everyone wants to be so there's usually a line of people, waiting for their turn. You're just swaying along, the wind in your hair, without a care in the world. You got a nice supportive seat under you and two strong chains to hold on to. And the best part, you're in control. It's completely up to you how fast or high you go and how long you stay on. When it slows down you just start pumping your legs until you've reached the place you want to be at. Then at any given moment, you can just stick your foot down to stop it and hop off.
The jungle gym is what's left. Also, so creatively, known as the climbing structure. You start at the bottom and you work your way up. The higher you climb, the bigger the risk. You climb anyways, though, because it's worth it. The satisfaction of reaching the top far outweighs the potential risk of falling. Once you finally get all the way up there, no matter how many tries it took, or how many times you talked yourself out of it and carefully climbed back down in fear: You made it now, so you just sit there and take it all in. Now you are able to see everything from a new perspective and as you look down from above you are proud of what you've accomplished.
Life may not always be as it seems it should. We may get skipped when we feel like it's supposed to be our turn on the easygoing swing of serenity. We may be sick and tired of the non-stop teeter totter of emotions constantly going back and fourth in our minds. What we need to realize, though, is that life, this playground we've been given the opportunity to experience, it only happens once. We need to make the best of it and do the best with what we've got. We need to make time for what's important and not sweat the small stuff. We need to realize that God placed each and every one of us here, created us, for a specific purpose. So whether we are enjoying our current situation or not we've got to keep putting one foot in front of the other. We've got to play on.
Currently, I'm on the seesaw. Worn out from the seemingly endless ups and downs of life that threaten to overwhelm me on a regular basis. One minute I'm up and for a second everything's good then it's right back down I go, and there's no break in between. I'm right smack dab in the middle of a constant battle. The struggle to rise up after I've fallen only to be brought back down again, momentarily. I'm struggling to find that balance. Between the highs and the lows. Between the good and the bad. Where I can just be even if for just a brief point in time.
*see·saw- change rapidly and repeatedly from one position, situation, or condition to another and back again;
Now I'm on to the merry go round. I get on (at my own risk) and it starts moving. It seems fun and exciting, at first, exhilarating even. Then, before I even realize what's happening it's spinning out of control, I feel like I am going to be sick, and all I want to do is bail. Getting off, however, is much more challenging than it was just to step on like I did to begin with. Now, it's going full speed and my only exit option is to close my eyes, and jump off. Praying that I land in a nice soft spot in the dirt and that I can walk away without any serious injuries.
*merry go round- a never-ending cycle of activities and events (especially when they seem to have little purpose)
Next is the swing. Probably the most pleasant thing there is to do at the park. It's where everyone wants to be so there's usually a line of people, waiting for their turn. You're just swaying along, the wind in your hair, without a care in the world. You got a nice supportive seat under you and two strong chains to hold on to. And the best part, you're in control. It's completely up to you how fast or high you go and how long you stay on. When it slows down you just start pumping your legs until you've reached the place you want to be at. Then at any given moment, you can just stick your foot down to stop it and hop off.
Life may not always be as it seems it should. We may get skipped when we feel like it's supposed to be our turn on the easygoing swing of serenity. We may be sick and tired of the non-stop teeter totter of emotions constantly going back and fourth in our minds. What we need to realize, though, is that life, this playground we've been given the opportunity to experience, it only happens once. We need to make the best of it and do the best with what we've got. We need to make time for what's important and not sweat the small stuff. We need to realize that God placed each and every one of us here, created us, for a specific purpose. So whether we are enjoying our current situation or not we've got to keep putting one foot in front of the other. We've got to play on.
1 Timothy 6:12
Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.Deuteronomy 30:19-20
19 This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live 20 and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
looking into the eye's of her daughter
A mother looks into the eyes of her daughter
and sees a piece of herself;
of who she'd like to be.
Her soul knows no bond
that's stronger, nor could
her heart be any more full.
All she knows is that
it's in that place,
looking into the eye's
of her daughter,
where she finds such
strength and peace.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
challenging the desire to be the "perfect" christian
So I am finding that the deeper I delve into a true relationship with Christ the less pressure there is to try and be or appear to be this "perfect" christian. What it really is about is accepting who I am while at the same time challenging my initial reactions and judgments and channeling them with His help and in His likeness. It's a constant battle. An everyday struggle. I'd be lying if I said there was ever a day where I got it all right (most days I'm lucky to get 1 or 2 things).
The point is that I am trying and that's all I can do. He's not asking me to be something I'm not and He's certainly not asking me to pretend to be someone who everyone "sees" as this flawless human being (we all know that really doesn't exist anyways, so let's stop fooling ourselves). What He really wants from me is for me to dig down deep into the depths of my soul where His spirit resides in me and let that spill over onto all those around me and change this world. It has nothing to do with me or my "abilities" (and thank God for that) but everything to do with me surrendering it all to Him. By saying: "OK, God, I am not so sure of this [thing] (whatever it may be) but I am going to do what you're asking me to. Regardless of how inadequate I feel or how big, sometimes even strange, it may seem because I trust you. I know that You know what You're doing."
It's OK, to ask questions. It's OK to be unsure. I heard a quote once, (author unknown) that says: "to wrestle with God is not to lose your faith but to fight for it." So when I need to, I cry out to Him, after all, isn't that what having a real relationship is all about? Admitting that you're struggling with something is not only OK but completely necessary. Just as long as at the end of the day the conclusion you come to is this: I am just the vessel. Ultimately what it comes down to is that He will accomplish whatever He wants/what needs to be done one way or another. Whether I like it or not. What a relief! That takes this huge burden off of me and places it in His able Hands.
That is true freedom that is derived from the place where the Spirit of the Lord is. His Spirit in me offers this freedom that my conscious mind cannot even comprehend. The freedom that allows me to accept myself and my flaws and love myself, even, only because of His great love. Then, to love others in the same regards. Freedom from fear that I am going to blow it, fail God, and mess everything up. Freedom from feeling like I have to live up to all these unfair and unreachable standards. Freedom to just live and love. That is all He is calling me to do, anyways. Live my life the best way I can, leaning not on my own understanding and strength but constantly falling back on His. Loving people not with my own tattered heart and corrupt mind but with the unfailing and completely perfect love of His Spirit that lives within me and overtakes me.
**photo by SWhite Photography
https://www.facebook.com/SWhitePhotography.net
The point is that I am trying and that's all I can do. He's not asking me to be something I'm not and He's certainly not asking me to pretend to be someone who everyone "sees" as this flawless human being (we all know that really doesn't exist anyways, so let's stop fooling ourselves). What He really wants from me is for me to dig down deep into the depths of my soul where His spirit resides in me and let that spill over onto all those around me and change this world. It has nothing to do with me or my "abilities" (and thank God for that) but everything to do with me surrendering it all to Him. By saying: "OK, God, I am not so sure of this [thing] (whatever it may be) but I am going to do what you're asking me to. Regardless of how inadequate I feel or how big, sometimes even strange, it may seem because I trust you. I know that You know what You're doing."
It's OK, to ask questions. It's OK to be unsure. I heard a quote once, (author unknown) that says: "to wrestle with God is not to lose your faith but to fight for it." So when I need to, I cry out to Him, after all, isn't that what having a real relationship is all about? Admitting that you're struggling with something is not only OK but completely necessary. Just as long as at the end of the day the conclusion you come to is this: I am just the vessel. Ultimately what it comes down to is that He will accomplish whatever He wants/what needs to be done one way or another. Whether I like it or not. What a relief! That takes this huge burden off of me and places it in His able Hands.
That is true freedom that is derived from the place where the Spirit of the Lord is. His Spirit in me offers this freedom that my conscious mind cannot even comprehend. The freedom that allows me to accept myself and my flaws and love myself, even, only because of His great love. Then, to love others in the same regards. Freedom from fear that I am going to blow it, fail God, and mess everything up. Freedom from feeling like I have to live up to all these unfair and unreachable standards. Freedom to just live and love. That is all He is calling me to do, anyways. Live my life the best way I can, leaning not on my own understanding and strength but constantly falling back on His. Loving people not with my own tattered heart and corrupt mind but with the unfailing and completely perfect love of His Spirit that lives within me and overtakes me.
**photo by SWhite Photography
https://www.facebook.com/SWhitePhotography.net
waiting out the storm
an entry from my journal written January 20, 2011:
Sitting in my car listening to the rain pour and watching it stream down the window. Waiting for it to let up so I can make a run for it. Such is life huh? Storms come in our lives that always seem to get worse before getting better and we're forced to just wait it out. But once it's finally over and we get to where we're going no matter how soaked or emotionally exhausted, there's this sense of satisfaction and peace. A reward that wouldn't be near as great had we not endured something so hard and waited so long. Praise God for the ups and downs and for every season of life and for His perfect timing.
Sitting in my car listening to the rain pour and watching it stream down the window. Waiting for it to let up so I can make a run for it. Such is life huh? Storms come in our lives that always seem to get worse before getting better and we're forced to just wait it out. But once it's finally over and we get to where we're going no matter how soaked or emotionally exhausted, there's this sense of satisfaction and peace. A reward that wouldn't be near as great had we not endured something so hard and waited so long. Praise God for the ups and downs and for every season of life and for His perfect timing.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
stepping out of the ring & out in my faith
Perhaps the hardest thing I have ever been asked to do is nothing at all. To a control freak/"fighter" like myself, those words are frightening. What do you mean, I can't do anything!? Precisely, I cannot physically do anything to change the situation. I just have to sit back and let God handle it. Yes, I know all the Sunday-school answers, He's more than able, there's nothing too big for Him, He'll only do what's best, etc. and I do believe those things. Don't I? Sometimes my actions prove otherwise, because, well, when I actually have to apply them to my life, when He's asking me to completely relinquish the control of something (a possession, mind you, that was never mine in the first place but always His) I am finding that to be incredibly difficult. What I do know is that right now, at this very moment, He's commanding me to just "be still," to just know that He is God and accept that He is in control.
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I wish it were that easy and I wish I would just listen the first time around, but I think I'm tough and for whatever reason I think I got a pretty good shot at it. Jumping in the there with my gloves like I'm Rocky or Muhammad Ali. "Don't worry, God, I got this." The words barely even leave my lips before I'm made aware that I am actually in way over my head, that this other "dude" is huge and I'm officially getting my butt kicked. God quietly reminds me that this was never my battle to begin with. He is asking me to step out of the ring on this one. To bow out, gracefully, obediently. To be the spectator and watch Him work. To trust Him. Though it's not easy and I'm basically going out kicking and screaming, He quiets me with His unfailing love. In a way that no one else can, that I can't even explain. All I know is that something just comes over me and in the midst of all this chaos, in the heat of the battle, I am, somehow, at peace. I know that He will come out victorious over this thing. Then, I realize that this is exactly where I need to be. These times that require me to rely solely on Him, where He is literally the only option I've got, are the times where my faith is able to truly develop, where it is made deeper and stronger.
"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it." -Rocky Balboa
Especially in these times when things aren't exactly going as I'd planned, when my heart is broken and my spirit not far behind, though I feel defeated, I am, even still and ever more precious to God. He accepts that as a holy sacrifice to Him, even. He won't be far from me. He takes great delight in comforting me. He will restore to me the joy of Salvation, once more. I can now recall and relish in the depths of what that really means at these times when I've fallen short. When I'm in-need of His great compassion. When I need Him to fight for me because what I'm facing is simply much too large for me to manage alone. Then, in an incredibly beautiful and unique way He reminds me of His promises and to those promises do I ever-so-closely cling. Never have they looked so wonderful or claimed to be more true and relevant than in this moment. He paints an extraordinary rainbow in the sky, just for me, and then sees to it that I am out there at just the right time to enjoy it. Not a minute early nor a second too late, so as not to have missed it. I am greatly comforted and my mind is at ease. My fears are put to rest as His colorful truths seem to radiate from the heavens. Though my flesh fails, though my heart grows weak, though my eyes are tired, though my hands get heavy He will be my strength until the very end.
This isn't my battle and it never was. I need to move out of the way and let God be God. To give him room to do what He does best. I need to stop thinking that it's up to me to save the day. I only end up making a bigger mess of things when using such silly logic. All that being said, God, I ask for strength that only You can provide. Help me to surrender this fight to You, I know You hate watching it defeat me the way it does. The way it affects me. Takes a toll on me. On us. It was never Your intention for me to try and take this on. Give me the courage and humility I need to let it go. Help me to trust You, and may this build my character, grow my faith, and ultimately bring you glory, oh Father in heaven, both the lover and protector of my soul.
I wish it were that easy and I wish I would just listen the first time around, but I think I'm tough and for whatever reason I think I got a pretty good shot at it. Jumping in the there with my gloves like I'm Rocky or Muhammad Ali. "Don't worry, God, I got this." The words barely even leave my lips before I'm made aware that I am actually in way over my head, that this other "dude" is huge and I'm officially getting my butt kicked. God quietly reminds me that this was never my battle to begin with. He is asking me to step out of the ring on this one. To bow out, gracefully, obediently. To be the spectator and watch Him work. To trust Him. Though it's not easy and I'm basically going out kicking and screaming, He quiets me with His unfailing love. In a way that no one else can, that I can't even explain. All I know is that something just comes over me and in the midst of all this chaos, in the heat of the battle, I am, somehow, at peace. I know that He will come out victorious over this thing. Then, I realize that this is exactly where I need to be. These times that require me to rely solely on Him, where He is literally the only option I've got, are the times where my faith is able to truly develop, where it is made deeper and stronger.
"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it." -Rocky Balboa
Especially in these times when things aren't exactly going as I'd planned, when my heart is broken and my spirit not far behind, though I feel defeated, I am, even still and ever more precious to God. He accepts that as a holy sacrifice to Him, even. He won't be far from me. He takes great delight in comforting me. He will restore to me the joy of Salvation, once more. I can now recall and relish in the depths of what that really means at these times when I've fallen short. When I'm in-need of His great compassion. When I need Him to fight for me because what I'm facing is simply much too large for me to manage alone. Then, in an incredibly beautiful and unique way He reminds me of His promises and to those promises do I ever-so-closely cling. Never have they looked so wonderful or claimed to be more true and relevant than in this moment. He paints an extraordinary rainbow in the sky, just for me, and then sees to it that I am out there at just the right time to enjoy it. Not a minute early nor a second too late, so as not to have missed it. I am greatly comforted and my mind is at ease. My fears are put to rest as His colorful truths seem to radiate from the heavens. Though my flesh fails, though my heart grows weak, though my eyes are tired, though my hands get heavy He will be my strength until the very end.
This isn't my battle and it never was. I need to move out of the way and let God be God. To give him room to do what He does best. I need to stop thinking that it's up to me to save the day. I only end up making a bigger mess of things when using such silly logic. All that being said, God, I ask for strength that only You can provide. Help me to surrender this fight to You, I know You hate watching it defeat me the way it does. The way it affects me. Takes a toll on me. On us. It was never Your intention for me to try and take this on. Give me the courage and humility I need to let it go. Help me to trust You, and may this build my character, grow my faith, and ultimately bring you glory, oh Father in heaven, both the lover and protector of my soul.
"It's the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen."
Genesis 9:13 (NLT)
I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth.
Psalm 51:12,17(NLT)
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you.
and make me willing to obey you.
The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.
You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.
Exodus 14:14 (NIV)
The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.
Psalm 54:4 (NASB)
Behold, God is my helper;
The Lord is the sustainer of my soul.
Behold, God is my helper;
The Lord is the sustainer of my soul.
The Lord is the sustainer of my soul.
Psalm 46:10 (NIV)
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Being Mary in a Martha kind of world
OK so most of us have probably heard the story before. You know, the one where Jesus decides to come have dinner at the house of these two women and one of them is busy doing all the cooking and cleaning while the other just sits there hangin' out with Him. Just in case we haven't though, let's take a look at the verses:
So, I must confess that if I were in this situation, if Jesus were coming to my house, best believe I would be all over the place, too. I'm right there with ya, Martha! I mean, even when "normal" people come to my house I stress over the way it looks and how clean things are (or aren't). I don't want them to judge me based on those things or to perceive me differently after seeing my obviously lived-in and mostly messy house and eating my less than mediocre home-cooked meal. But if Jesus were coming!?!? Ha, I'd probably be running around like a chicken with my head cut-off tidying up the house in ways I never have before and trying to make something immaculate. Something fit for a king, for The King. Here's what I want to focus on, Martha's heart wasn't necessarily in the wrong place but what she failed to recognize is that what Jesus was (and is) most concerned with is spending time with us, not with what we bring to the table (and yes, I do mean that both literally and symbolically). That's why Mary got it right, she chose to just stay there, at His feet, attentively soaking up all of this knowledge and instruction He had to offer. I admit though, that as a woman, I would've been just as frustrated with her, whining like Martha had, "This is so unfair, Jesus! Why's she just sitting there, while I'm over here trying to do all this hard work by myself!?" To which Jesus would smile at me and reply, "My beloved daughter, why are you so concerned with all these petty things, all I want from you is for you to be with me."
Then it hits me, hard. I really do do that all the time. I get so caught up in whatever I think "needs" to be done that I miss out on the single most important aspect of my life: Spending quality quiet time alone with Him. Just like when my friends come over, I am driven by this common misconception that He is going to judge me based on how out of hand things have gotten and all my 'junk' I've let pile up. I trick myself into thinking that in order to come face to face with this holy God, I need to try and make things pretty, more presentable, first. I have to at least appear like I've got it somewhat together. I simply cannot let Him see me like this. Really though, what a silly thing for me to think. When you think about it logically, that's like trying to make yourself healthy before you go to see the doctor. Huh? Exactly, makes no sense. That's percisely what He's there for. To help us 'clean-up' so-to-speak. He commands us to come as we are. He loves us regardless of the condition that we're currently in. All He wants is for us to desire Him, to spend that precious time with Him. Which will, in-turn, eventually assist us in getting a better handle on things and getting our lives back on track.
So what do we take away from this? Well my fellow Martha's, I think it's time that we stop worrying so much about the preparations and how we're presenting ourselves and focus more on the simple act of sitting at His feet and drinking in His every word, as much as we can. It's time for us to strive to be like humble, hungry-for-truth Mary in a world comprised mostly of way too busy people-pleasers and show-offs. We need to realize that pretending to be those things will get us nowhere. The closer in connection with God we get the more we recognize how adverse His teachings are compared to our initial knee-jerk reaction to things. Which are brought on by the cultural norms of this day in age that we've so easily become accustomed to and just plain human nature. The world will tell us that beauty is everything. That we have to be pretty and in-shape, that our houses have to be spotless, that our children cannot be dirty, and that our marriages have to be (what appears to be) "perfect" at all times. However, Christ gently reminds us that what is most important to Him is our heart. He reassures us is that we are to live in this world but not of it. He commands us first to love Him and second to love others, above ourselves. His Word tells us to rejoice in our short-comings, for we know that in our weaknesses His power is made strong within us. In doing so, in meditating on His truths, our lives will become transformed. The people of this world will not understand and they will stare and point fingers and demand that (according to the world's standards) we do 'what we're supposed to,' but God, who sees our heart, and fervor for Him will bless us for we have discovered what truly matters most and "it will not be taken away from [us]."
Luke 10:39-42 (NLT)
39 Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. 40 But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.”
41 But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! 42 There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”
So, I must confess that if I were in this situation, if Jesus were coming to my house, best believe I would be all over the place, too. I'm right there with ya, Martha! I mean, even when "normal" people come to my house I stress over the way it looks and how clean things are (or aren't). I don't want them to judge me based on those things or to perceive me differently after seeing my obviously lived-in and mostly messy house and eating my less than mediocre home-cooked meal. But if Jesus were coming!?!? Ha, I'd probably be running around like a chicken with my head cut-off tidying up the house in ways I never have before and trying to make something immaculate. Something fit for a king, for The King. Here's what I want to focus on, Martha's heart wasn't necessarily in the wrong place but what she failed to recognize is that what Jesus was (and is) most concerned with is spending time with us, not with what we bring to the table (and yes, I do mean that both literally and symbolically). That's why Mary got it right, she chose to just stay there, at His feet, attentively soaking up all of this knowledge and instruction He had to offer. I admit though, that as a woman, I would've been just as frustrated with her, whining like Martha had, "This is so unfair, Jesus! Why's she just sitting there, while I'm over here trying to do all this hard work by myself!?" To which Jesus would smile at me and reply, "My beloved daughter, why are you so concerned with all these petty things, all I want from you is for you to be with me."
Then it hits me, hard. I really do do that all the time. I get so caught up in whatever I think "needs" to be done that I miss out on the single most important aspect of my life: Spending quality quiet time alone with Him. Just like when my friends come over, I am driven by this common misconception that He is going to judge me based on how out of hand things have gotten and all my 'junk' I've let pile up. I trick myself into thinking that in order to come face to face with this holy God, I need to try and make things pretty, more presentable, first. I have to at least appear like I've got it somewhat together. I simply cannot let Him see me like this. Really though, what a silly thing for me to think. When you think about it logically, that's like trying to make yourself healthy before you go to see the doctor. Huh? Exactly, makes no sense. That's percisely what He's there for. To help us 'clean-up' so-to-speak. He commands us to come as we are. He loves us regardless of the condition that we're currently in. All He wants is for us to desire Him, to spend that precious time with Him. Which will, in-turn, eventually assist us in getting a better handle on things and getting our lives back on track.
So what do we take away from this? Well my fellow Martha's, I think it's time that we stop worrying so much about the preparations and how we're presenting ourselves and focus more on the simple act of sitting at His feet and drinking in His every word, as much as we can. It's time for us to strive to be like humble, hungry-for-truth Mary in a world comprised mostly of way too busy people-pleasers and show-offs. We need to realize that pretending to be those things will get us nowhere. The closer in connection with God we get the more we recognize how adverse His teachings are compared to our initial knee-jerk reaction to things. Which are brought on by the cultural norms of this day in age that we've so easily become accustomed to and just plain human nature. The world will tell us that beauty is everything. That we have to be pretty and in-shape, that our houses have to be spotless, that our children cannot be dirty, and that our marriages have to be (what appears to be) "perfect" at all times. However, Christ gently reminds us that what is most important to Him is our heart. He reassures us is that we are to live in this world but not of it. He commands us first to love Him and second to love others, above ourselves. His Word tells us to rejoice in our short-comings, for we know that in our weaknesses His power is made strong within us. In doing so, in meditating on His truths, our lives will become transformed. The people of this world will not understand and they will stare and point fingers and demand that (according to the world's standards) we do 'what we're supposed to,' but God, who sees our heart, and fervor for Him will bless us for we have discovered what truly matters most and "it will not be taken away from [us]."
Monday, July 15, 2013
the beautiful process: adoption
A family longing for it's child.
A child desperate to belong.
Two worlds miraculously intertwined
& woven into one.
We're connected at the heart
& may we never fail to see
That by divine appointment
God has brought me to you
& you to me.
Oh, my sweet darling
How you've made our family complete. <3
A child desperate to belong.
Two worlds miraculously intertwined
& woven into one.
We're connected at the heart
& may we never fail to see
That by divine appointment
God has brought me to you
& you to me.
Oh, my sweet darling
How you've made our family complete. <3
my soul speaks
Sitting here, as I meditate on and attempt to comprehend just how deep and tender the Father's love is for me, for us all, it completely baffles my mind. I cannot even begin to perceive it's vastness. I can picture it, though. Through this image that seems to be playing over an over again in my mind: I am standing there at the bottom of the valley gazing up at the mountaintop. My eyes cannot even reach the height that it travels before the bright rays of the sun shine from behind it. Blinded by it's brilliance, I squeeze my eyes tightly back shut. My face drops down into my hands. I am forced to look down. Something grips my chin and gently lifts it back up towards the sky. Tears fill my eyes. It's all I can do to just sit there, in all my pettiness, and marvel at the grandiosity. At the beauty. I am able only to merely catch the tiniest little glimpse into what He sees when He looks at me, His beloved child; into what He feels.
I look upon my own daughter, my very own flesh and blood, the one whom I helped create, that I carried within me for nine months. My heart is so full. So full, in fact, that sometimes I am convinced that it just may burst right out of my chest. I am filled with these indescribable sensations that hold such power over me. Such emotion: of love, of satisfaction, of pure delight. This little being is much more precious to me than any- thing. Than the finest riches that this world could ever possibly bear to bring. But to think, what these affections offer is simply a fraction compared to the enormity of the love that the Father lavishes upon me!? Astounding. And that's an understatement. There are not words big enough to describe Him. There are not feelings deep enough to define Him. All there is, is this unfathomable, mysterious and incredibly beautiful Truth. That promise after promise is revealing to me, proving to me, time after time how tremendously He truly cares for me.
(I think to myself) Why God? I am but so small. I am just so completely unworthy. (He reassures me, speaks to me soul) He loves me just the same. He created me. He thought me up long ago. Planned out things specifically for me. He spoke me into existence. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He breathed life into me. He watched me as I grew. He looked on me with love. He was proud of what He had done. He had His mighty hand in my life. An ever-present help in trouble. He deeply loved me, loves me. I tried to run. I tried to fight it. He kept pursuing me. He wouldn't stop. He never will. He saw who I really was. What I could become. What I would become. He continued to look after me. Protecting me from the terribly harmful situations I found myself in. He saw me, distraught and alone and His heart grieved for me. He held me. I was moved by His great love and compassion. Motivated to change. Given a new direction. A new hope. A new name. Beloved. I am His. He is mine. I will still fail. Some days, I will still lose the battle. But I won't lose heart. He is strong in me. That's all I have. All I need. What defines me. Him in me. The hope of glory.
I look upon my own daughter, my very own flesh and blood, the one whom I helped create, that I carried within me for nine months. My heart is so full. So full, in fact, that sometimes I am convinced that it just may burst right out of my chest. I am filled with these indescribable sensations that hold such power over me. Such emotion: of love, of satisfaction, of pure delight. This little being is much more precious to me than any- thing. Than the finest riches that this world could ever possibly bear to bring. But to think, what these affections offer is simply a fraction compared to the enormity of the love that the Father lavishes upon me!? Astounding. And that's an understatement. There are not words big enough to describe Him. There are not feelings deep enough to define Him. All there is, is this unfathomable, mysterious and incredibly beautiful Truth. That promise after promise is revealing to me, proving to me, time after time how tremendously He truly cares for me.
(I think to myself) Why God? I am but so small. I am just so completely unworthy. (He reassures me, speaks to me soul) He loves me just the same. He created me. He thought me up long ago. Planned out things specifically for me. He spoke me into existence. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He breathed life into me. He watched me as I grew. He looked on me with love. He was proud of what He had done. He had His mighty hand in my life. An ever-present help in trouble. He deeply loved me, loves me. I tried to run. I tried to fight it. He kept pursuing me. He wouldn't stop. He never will. He saw who I really was. What I could become. What I would become. He continued to look after me. Protecting me from the terribly harmful situations I found myself in. He saw me, distraught and alone and His heart grieved for me. He held me. I was moved by His great love and compassion. Motivated to change. Given a new direction. A new hope. A new name. Beloved. I am His. He is mine. I will still fail. Some days, I will still lose the battle. But I won't lose heart. He is strong in me. That's all I have. All I need. What defines me. Him in me. The hope of glory.
1 John 3:1a
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!
1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Isaiah 62:2
The nations will see your vindication,
and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the Lord will bestow.
The nations will see your vindication,
and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the Lord will bestow.
and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the Lord will bestow.
Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
an ever-present help in trouble.
Psalm 139:13
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Psalm 145:3
Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise;
his greatness no one can fathom.
his greatness no one can fathom.
Colossians 1:27
To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.
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