Beth Dille's Post, "Friendship is not a Remedy for Loneliness"

This post is comprised of the beautiful, honest, true, powerful, & inspiring words from my incredibly amazingly friend, Beth (who doesn't yet have her own blog but REALLY needs to start one.. am I right!?) ❤️

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“Friendship is not a remedy for loneliness. Loneliness is part of our experience, and if we are looking for relief from loneliness in friendship, we are only going to frustrate the friendship.  Friendship, camaraderie, intimacy, all those things, and loneliness lived together in the same experience.” – Rich Mullins

 

"I’m the first one to tell anyone that will listen that Christians need to be in community.  I am extremely stubborn and I will fight that point against anyone that says they don’t need “church.” Sure you may not need that boring, rule-bound church you grew up in that wasn’t really understanding God’s awesome power as creator and unquestionable love, sending Himself in your place.  If your church wasn’t actively crazy passionate about the man (Christ) that loves you so much that he took your death for you then yah, who needs that church? But you (everyone) needs church, the connection with those that love Christ as you do.  There are thousands of books and blogs and whatnot about how Christians need community.  That’s not what this one is about.

If you didn’t read the quote at the beginning of this then go back . . . wait, even if you did, go back and read it again. 

 

Alright, so here we go.  I’m lonely.  I’m so lonely.  I recently moved to Alabama (ugh, that in and of itself is a terrible fact to type) and I don’t have a community.  When I first read the above quote I utterly disagreed.  Of course friendship is the remedy for loneliness, Rich, what a fool’s comment.  God tells us to be in community, he wants us to be in friendship.  I’ve had numerous incredible communities all over the country and I felt that they fulfilled my needs. However, I have been reading a lot of Rich Mullin’s quotes the last couple days and I haven’t found one that I disagreed with so I didn’t like that this was the one.  It kind of sat at the back of my mind and I found myself going back and looking it up again and again.

 

 

  

I don’t really have much to do right now so I have a lot of time to think . . . too much thinking really.  One of the common thoughts has been about my friendships and due to that quote I have thought about how I truly felt in those friendships, those communities.  Even though I wasn’t alone, did I feel lonely?  Then I started to think about what my friends think about being alone.  About so many people that I love and have had conversations about their loneliness.  It hit me really hard.  People are lonely.  Some of the people that seem the most content and fulfilled in their relationships feel like no one really knows them.  They feel alone.  There’s a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.  Sometimes being alone is amazing; it can bring us the greatest contentment and peace.  However, loneliness is a state of mind, regardless of who is around you.  I’m sure most of you can relate so I don’t need to go into this in depth, also it’s not my point… moving forward.

 

So maybe it isn’t a fool’s comment.  Loneliness is just part of our experience and we can’t find relief in friendship or community.  Maybe that’s a truth.  Well . . . that’s extremely frustrating.  So we can have amazing friendships, community, intimacy but that doesn’t cure our loneliness? Great.

 

Wait . . . so that’s it? If friendship and community doesn’t combat loneliness then what does? Or is it just something that we have to live and deal with? Loneliness is a feeling.  It’s a valid feeling. Sure.  But I don’t really want to accept that it is just part of our existence. So clearly the next step was to read some scripture.  Obviously the best way for me to quickly sift through Scripture is to “google.” My gosh. 


This is what I found: “Bible verses about loneliness: 22 Helpful Quotes,”  “62 Bible verses about Loneliness,”  “102 Bible Verses on Loneliness.” ...102!!!  Well, that seems a bit far-fetched. Every one of those Bible verses are going to help me combat my loneliness? Come on.  I’m not going to start quoting these verses here.  You can look them up.  The general idea, God can fulfill our loneliness, in relationships (i.e. Hebrews 13:1-25, Genesis 2:18, Proverbs 18:24, etc.) and through a relationship with Him; with the comfort, hope and strength He brings (i.e. Matthew 11:28-29, Psalm 121:1-2, Psalm 62:5, Isaiah 40:28-31).  If I were reading this, and I were experiencing loneliness (not being alone but really real lonely) that wouldn’t be a lot of comfort at the moment.  

 

I’m not saying that Scripture can’t bring you comfort, of course it does however . . . shoot. Okay, extremely vulnerable moment: I haven’t really been wanting to read God’s word lately, or talk to Him for that matter. I’m actually really mad at God and I don’t want to pursue Him. Like I said before, I’m stubborn and in that stubbornness sometimes I don’t take the actions that I know will bring me strength, comfort, or hope.  I don’t go after the person (Christ) that I know loves me intimately and could possibly cure my loneliness because . . . I’m mad.  I’m really freaking mad and I’m hurt.  So, no I haven’t pursued Him.  

 

Alright . . . so I started writing this long winded, whatever this is, for two reasons.  To bring myself some clarity and to maybe give someone that feels the same, some relief.  Here’s the point of it all.  I am lonely. In my loneliness I have sought after the comfort of my friends to bring relief.  It hasn’t worked.  I love my friends, but it isn’t helping.  I also have refused to pursue God to help in this like I just stated.  However, here’s the most amazing part.  He’s still coming after me . . . (long pause and maybe some tears) . . . He’s still pursuing me, not with amazing gestures or signs that He’s there.  But when I have been insanely, quietly lonely.

 

A couple weeks ago, I was in the car with my two year old Luke (who I have recently started to call Bubba… yes eww, but I secretly love it).  My music was on shuffle and “Good, Good Father” came on.  I was about to change it (I was in a foul place)but Luke got so excited.  So, I let him listen to it and just zoned out.  When it was over, I was grateful, but Luke yelled at me, “Again, again mommy” until I let him listen. After the second time, AHH, Luke did it again.  This happened four times and only stopped because we arrived at our destination.  By the third time my heart was softening, the fourth I was singing at the top of my lungs “and I’m loved by you, it’s who I am, it’s who I am.”  I sat in the car and turned to Luke and not wanting this moment to pass no matter how mad I am I started talking to Him about God. “Luke, did you know that God made the cows (Luke loves cows), He made everything, He even made Lucas and Mommy. . . and Lucas, God takes care of the cows because He loves them, and God takes care of you, Luke because He loves you, just like He takes care of Mommy because he loves mommy.”  

 

Well . . . that did it. I lost it.  I cried and cried (yep in front of my kid).  There it was, God whispering into my spirit.  As, parent was whispering the truths of God’s love to her child, God was doing the same for me.  I shared this with one of my friends later that night and she said, “Of course he would use Luke to get to you, it makes so much sense . . . you may be distant and cold to a lot of things, but not Lucas.  God knows that and used him to remind you that no matter what he’s still there and you’re not alone.”

 

God pursues us in our loneliness.  Sometimes with friends, I don’t doubt that.  But friendship is not the remedy for loneliness. Loneliness is part of who we are because we are desperately lonely for our Creator, for our Redeemer.  Loneliness is a part of us because we are separated from the one thing that makes us whole. We try to find the cure for this loneliness in other things and people, but we never will.  And we can refuse to accept this.  We can turn away from God in our loneliness because we are mad.  However, even when we refuse to let Him in, He still will come after us.  And in the quietest, simplest moments He will remind your spirit, your soul, that although loneliness is part of this life . . . soon, so soon, because of Christ’s dying for you, you will never have to feel that loneliness again.  So, tonight I rest in that.  Tomorrow may be different, but at least tonight I don’t feel lonely. ;-)" 

 

-Beth Dille 

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You're a blessing, sweet friend! & I know these words will inspire many.. Love you!!

Emily's 32nd birthday.. Celebrating her life & remembering her legacy ❤️

Em sent me this pic in one of her letters and told me, "You look frickin HOTT!" ha. so her <3

Emily was one of the best people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. I have never met someone so genuine, so generous, and so full of love for all people. No single person has had a greater impact on my life. When I first met Emily, I was just a 13 year old girl full of attitude and crazy about boys and not really sure of a whole lot else. She was the first person to really make Jesus and having a relationship with him real to me. She was absolutely in love with her Savior, it was evident and she made me want the same thing. Not only that, but she was aware of just how crazy-huge His love was for her too. 

Emily was my middle school small group leader in youth group and I can remember for the first time, being treated as an equal to someone I considered to be an “adult” (she was only 20 at the time). She shared her heart with us, her struggles, her love for Jesus and His relentless and unconditional love for her regardless of it all. I remember one specific time she shared with us that she had just been crying out to God because she was lonely. She just longed for companionship, and more than anything, for someone to just hold her hand. Then God led her to a verse that talks about how He takes us by the hand and that was enough for her, and it was just what she needed to hear. God was romancing her heart and though, at the time, I didn’t completely understand it, I knew that this whole God-thing was something that I wanted to be a part of. 

Now years later, as I am experiencing for myself how truly romantic God is, how much he knows me, and how great His love really is for me I feel like it’s all coming back around full-circle. The things that I saw in Emily, and learned from her are starting to make sense to me on a more personal level rather than just being something I admired in someone else. She was such a huge part of my spiritual journey. A monumental piece to laying the foundation that, though I’ve strayed away from time to time, has always remained and would be something that I would always end up coming back to.

The church that Emily and I were both attending at the time was kind of in-between worship leaders, and in a transitional period. I loved worship so naturally I was annoyed when things sounded a little less than perfect and when the one who was leading wasn’t the greatest singer in the world. But when I looked over at Emily hoping to make eye contact with her so that I could make a face showing my disapproval, she had one hand on her heart and the other stretched out as she passionately sang the words to the hymn (also not my favorite). I felt like such a jerk. God was using her as an example of what true worship looks like and it convicted me and honestly it broke my heart. In such a good way, though. In a way that’s had a lasting effect on me and changed the way I view worship. Why should it matter what it sounds like or what the conditions are the point is to praise Him for the wonderful things that He’s done and is—it’s not about me. Probably one of the most important concepts I learned from Em through my time with her and one of the hardest things to grasp as a self-absorbed teenage girl. 

I remember one Wednesday night the youth group was being especially chatty, immersed in whatever drama was going on. Our minds were busy with our own personal agendas we each had for the night. All of a sudden, Emily stood up, walked to the front, and let us have it. She lectured us for being selfish, disrespectful, catty, and whatever else we were being and then reminded us of the real reason that we were supposed to be there. We were supposed to be loving each other and seeking after Christ not fighting over boys and passing notes. She was so right. And her disappointment hit me hard. She was so frustrated with us, but it was righteous anger; the same kind that came over Jesus when he flipped over tables in the synagogue due to his disgust at the pagan activities taking place in His holy temple. Just like them, we were making a mockery out of things, whether it was intentional or not. Our motives were selfish and we needed to be put in our place. I had never experienced that sort of thing first-hand before. She had this way of making me feel like such a crappy person simply because she was just so awesome. But she still loved me and wanted to be friends with me and spent time with me. I wanted to be just like her. And I still do.

Em: "Let's all get in a circle and stick our butts out!" hehe :) <3

Now, as I too am in my early twenties, and I find myself working with youth I can’t help but think of her and hope and pray to be half the friend, mentor, and example of Christ to these kids that she was to me. Though she is no longer here with us she is still such a huge inspiration in my life and someone that I strive to be more like every single day. I want to invest in young people’s lives the way she did mine. When I talked to Emily, for the first time in my life, it was like someone really truly saw me and listened and understood me. She was able to see right through me. She wasn’t fooled by the happy-facade or fake smile and my generally very reserved self started just automatically opening up to her. I knew I was in a safe place. No judgment. She just sat there and listened—really listened and played with my hair or rubbed my back and comforted me when I needed it. She was the essence of what a true friend really looks and acts like. She was living out the life of Jesus in such a beautiful & rare way, like nothing I've ever seen or experienced before. She would give you the shirt off her back. Give her last $10 to someone in-need knowing that she didn’t have the money to pay her bills-- or eat. She was just like that. Someone you could count on. With the hugest heart, a strong desire to serve, and a soul so dedicated to God and doing His will that she let nothing get in the way of that. 

As I got older, as did she, Emily moved quite often and went on all sorts of journeys and trips from Tennessee to Africa to Australia and though it was hard to keep track of her all the time and we started to have less and less face to face conversations, she was always good about checking in every now and then by writing me letter updates (complete with pictures of her latest “potential hubby’s” or drawings of her and me doing silly things;). Those letters were the highlight of my day when I received them and I would usually tape them up on my wall because the things that she’d write in them were encouraging reminders to me and they also never failed to make me smile. Even from however many miles away she was at any particular point in her life she was still ministering to me and encouraging my heart with her kind words and the scripture verses she would share. She wrote these lyrics from a song by Seven Places in one of my letters, “even when my eyes are dry, even when my soul is tired, even when my hands are heavy, I will lift them up to you” written in her perfect and distinct handwriting. 

That song, and those words, were so powerful and came at just the right time. They were so relative to what I was going through at the time and they still encourage me to this day. One of my all-time favorite psalms (43:4a) is one that she wrote to me in a letter, as well, “Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you…” and it’s also one that helped me in finally being able to make peace with Emily’s passing.

Whenever I first heard about the accident I thought for sure that God was going to heal her and I prayed for just that. She is too important, she means too much to too many people, He can’t take her yet. When Emily didn’t make it I was completely devastated and for a while I was so mad at God that I questioned everything I’d ever known. I just didn’t understand, “Why Emily? Why now? Why, God?” Then after some time I realized how selfish that was of me. Emily was being rewarded for the amazing Christ-like life that she lived while she was here. She touched more people in her short 23 years than most people do in an entire lifetime. Does it suck for us? Absolutely. I miss her gentle spirit, contagious laugh, hilarious personality, and crazy dance moves every single day but she is dancing in Heaven with her Savior which is all she ever wanted and something she talked about regularly. I came across that verse in psalms that Emily had sent to me and I felt God speaking straight into my soul, “this is why.” She is precious and honored in His sight, and because He loves her. That’s why.

God’s peace washed over me when I came to this realization and though my heart is still sad because I wish I could talk to her and laugh with her and hug her I am resting upon the promise that she is up there waiting for me along with my great grandmother and my unborn baby I never got to meet. I will see them again, and oh, what a glorious day that will be! Where we will all come together at the feet of the Father along with the angels and dance and sing praises to His name, forevermore.

In the meantime, He sustains us. A few years back I had a dream about Emily. It felt so real. We were just chatting, catching up on life, being silly, and sharing our hopes and dreams like we often did. I woke up feeling so refreshed. What a beautiful gift from God that was. I long for the day that I get to see Emily again. I need to tell her thank you. Thank you for investing in me. For caring. For listening. For loving me just as I was. For showing me who Jesus was and what He was really all about. I would absolutely not be who I am today had it not been for her and the impact she had on me and the way she was there for me at such a crucial stage in my life. The bond that we shared is something that I will forever cherish and am so grateful to God for. I am thankful to Him for allowing me the opportunity to build a relationship with her, and learn from her, and I still aspire to be like her by living like she did, in such a humble and Christ-like way. She was fierce and fearless but she also had this child-like spirit about her and was completely free, so open and vulnerable. Which is everything I long to be, everything that we, as Jesus followers, are called to be, and I know that in her He was so very well pleased. And I bet He met her in the clouds with a, “well done, good and faithful servant” and then lead her away with a, “come with me, my child, to paradise for eternity.” 

**Happy 32nd Birthday in the sky to one of the very best friends I've ever had the pleasure of knowing! I love you Emily and I'm praying peace and comfort especially over your sweet momma and daddy and sisters and brother in this time where we are joyously celebrating your life but also painfully reminded of your absence. We're all anticipating the day when we are reunited and thankful for the fact that God sustains until then. <3

When God turns our messes into masterpieces: lessons from my three year old on grace & God's love

My little girl LOVES to paint. So when we woke up this morning to an exceptionally gloomy & chilly day, naturally, we decided it'd be the perfect thing to do. Now my three year old is pretty trustworthy & self-sufficient so after helping her get everything set up, I pretty much just let her do her thing (which is helpful for me anyways since her 10-month old baby brother --who's into everything these days-- keeps me pretty busy).

She painted several beautiful pictures & then she decided she was going to do one more. She wanted to get more paint & I told her she could pick one more color since we didn't want to get too much because she was almost done. Well, I got distracted.. & then a few minutes later she told me she was all done with her last painting, which she proudly named  "black octopus" :) I praised her for her latest piece of creative genius & then told her to go get washed up & ready to go.

"Black Octopus"(you see it too, right?!;)

Then I look over to find that she had filled every single slot in her little paint palette to the very tip top with all different colors of paint.. & I wasn't pleased. BUT, luckily, I have a God who is gracious & loving & likes to remind me to be the same by teaching me necessary & helpful lessons through my little 3 year old artist. 

I obviously reminded her of the fact that I asked her to pick only one more color & that I was sad that she didn't listen & that now we would have to waste all of this fresh paint (which isn't cheap). I asked her what we should do about this & at first she suggested throwing it away. I assured her we would most certainly not be doing that & asked her to think of something else we could do with it. She thought about it for a minute & she shrugged & said, "Well, we could use it!" 

Since we were heading out the door to go to the park due to the wonderful fact that the sun finally decided to come out we really quickly & carefully (so as not to get it on our "non-paint" clothes) took the paint palette & used it as a sort of stamp & dumped & spread all around the remainder of the paint. We used two more pieces of paper & covered them with the paint & the result was truly breathtaking and beautiful. 

It offered a unique texture (thanks to the excessive amount of paint;) & barrage of colors & swirls & circles from the outline of the palette slots. Makenna was very pleased, as was I. The best part about it all was the lesson I learned & that I was able to teach her through this sweet moment. She then apologized (again) for using so much paint when I asked her not to & I told her that it was ok & that I forgave her & then I was able to show her something really cool about the whole situation & in turn, about God. I said, "ya know, Makenna if you hadn't made that mistake we wouldn't have these two beautiful masterpieces now!" Her eyes lit up as she nodded excitedly & seemed freed by the fact that I wasn't mad at her & that the situation which started out not great had been turned into something positive.           
                                                                                           

Another one from today: "The Colorful Sea"

How often does this resemble our attitude when we know we've failed God? When we've disobeyed & are ashamed & feel worthless, useless, like garbage, good for nothing.

Then God comes in & urges us to take a second look.

Beloved, You are not a waste.. you are too precious & valuable to Me & most definitely DO NOT belong in the trash.

He helps us see things from a fresh perspective & then turns our greatest flaws & failures into these precious, teachable moments that result in the greatest of outcomes that we never would've expected.

His grace is more than enough to cover our mistakes & not only that but turn them into this glorious masterpiece that we would've never gotten had we not made the mistake in the first place. Life is beautiful & then it's messy but with God there's always grace & so much love & a glorious outcome promised in the end & that is so encouraging & utterly humbling, my dear friends.

Props to my girl for helping me to see this today & for creating so freely & passionately. And to my Heavenly Father for using her to get to me in this way & reminding me of the wonderful truth of His unending love & amazing, life-changing grace. For showing me that glimmer of hope I need as He peers at the beautiful mastery of the big picture when I'm ready to throw in the towel & reminds me not to give up, because He's not quite done & despite what I think or how I feel there's still some use for me yet. The outcome will undoubtedly be stunning and so worth it all.

The final two 

the unintended masterpieces that are easily & likely to forever be my absolute favorites

When I asked Makenna what they should be called, she said, very simply yet metaphorically quite appropriate and accurately: 

"A Beautiful Picture."

 Yes, yes it is my love.. as are you. 

<3 <3 <3