embracing vulnerability

I spend way too much time worrying about what other people think about me, and torturing myself with the 'what-ifs'. Whether it be about their thoughts of me or if I am good enough to meet their approval; But why? Why do I care so much about what I look like? And I don't necessarily mean physically, of course that ties in as well sometimes but mostly it's about being emotionally attractive or appearing to have it all together, as if perfection is really attainable and I am saying 'Look everyone, I have done it!' Why am I so obsessed with putting on that facade, when in all reality, we are all struggling with something and in most cases, a lot of somethings. I mean we are human for goodness sake it is part of our unique make-up to be flawed and we should not feel like we need to hide from that all the time. Don't get me wrong, I am not insisting that we go around being Miss/Mr Negativity all the time spilling our guts to anyone (facebook included) who will listen to us complain about all of our trivial problems; but instead, it's about finding that healthy balance and embracing the beauty of it all. It's about realizing what we do have and being insurmountably grateful for all of those things but then at the same time not running from our faults; but rather, admitting them and then seeking comfort and support from those closest to us, those we can confide in. I mean can't we just be real with one another every now and then? We need to feel free to be able to let our guards down with one another and know that it's ok to be broken sometimes, and we shouldn't have to feel the need to fake a smile or fight back tears. It's ok if everything is not perfect. Even saying that is extremely uncomfortable for me, and I find myself reading back over those words again and again because it is an important reminder. So much of my life I have unfortunately chosen to believe the opposite, so writing this is just as painfully relevant to my own personality and life as it is to anyone else's. And that is because it is human nature to desire to look good in all aspects and never show any signs of weakness, but this whole putting on a happy face when meanwhile you're dying on the inside in no way defines strength, but on the contrary diminishes it because it wears on us, weighs us down, and steals our hope. We were never meant to carry such burdens alone, but instead we should be leaning on one another and reciprocating the love and reassurance that has been shown to us. I know this concept is so much more easier said than done but I feel like it could be so revolutionary in our world because it relates to all people and discludes no one. I probably sound like a hippie or Miss America or maybe a mixture of the two with all my babbling on about world peace and free love but I for one, would love to stop letting fear dictate my every move on a day-to-day basis like it does, more often than not, now. And believe me, ironically enough, even the thought of that scares the crap out of me because when you put yourself out there, there is always a risk of being rejected or misunderstood or plenty of other things. However, you won't ever get anywhere in life if you are always 'waiting for the next one' when it comes to opportunities to open-up and until you let go of that fear you will be missing out on countless possibilities of life-altering experiences with people who may just be feeling the same exact way you are.

1 Corinthians 10

The Message (MSG)

¹³ No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.

Galatians 6:

The Message (MSG)

^1-3 Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.

boycott: black friday

This is one of those days where I feel completely un-American and am almost embarassed to belong to such a society. The way we idolize and chase after material posessions is disheartening and pathetic. We get up all hours of the night, wait in lines that in most cases and on normal days we are way 'too good for' because they are entirely way too long, and we push people out of the way just to get some stupid thing(s) which we probably already have 4 of at home. Don't we all have enough stuff, already!? Seriously people if we Americans were this enthusiastic about the things that actually mattered you know how big of a difference we could make in this world!? Like how about speaking out for those who don't have a voice, and doing our part against the fight to end world hunger, and comforting those we know who are hurting. It's sickening to me to think that as we are spending so much time and money racing to get the latest and greatest of all this unecessary stuff that most of the world is uncertain of where their next meal will come from. And we are hurting? we are in an economic crisis!? ha, right. Maybe it's because I have been on the mission field, (ie Haiti) and I have seen what real poverty looks like and I see the faces of those beautiful children that I fell in love with who are filled with such joy despite the ridiculously hard circumstances they've faced who literally have absolutely nothing to call their own and are still thankful for what little they do have and I imagine how wide their eyes would be at the wealth we have in this country, and it makes me feel guilty. I am so grateful to my parents, who are not perfect by any means, our family is about as dysfunctional as they come, but they raised us right in regards to teaching us what is really important, and opening our eyes at such a young age to see how much true joy comes from giving, especially to those who can give nothing in return but still make it a priority to find ways to do so whether by a huge smile, a hug, or a written 'thank you' the stays with you forever and touches your soul. I can only hope and pray that Ryan and I can do the same for Makenna and her future siblings in that area because I am certain that taking that first mission trip to Haiti during Christmas of '03 completely changed my life, though I was only 12 years old God spoke to me during the trip, He gave me direction and a purpose He ignited a fire and a passion in me for those children and I have not been the same since. Sorry for the downer I just refuse to partake in such materialistic madness while the rest of the world is struggling to survive and I cannot sit back and say nothing when my heart is crying in disbelief at the selfishness of this country. And believe me, I am speaking to myself as well, not really in regards to black friday shopping but in everyday life, I need to be more aware of those around me, of needs I can meet, of ways I can help, getting involved in something that actually means something.  So I challenge you (and me) today, to think about those who don't have what we have and if I'm sending you shopping with a guilt-trip, well good, take that and do something with it. Something meaningful, something selfless and see how much better that feels and how much more satisfied you are with youself when the day is done. 

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more." Luke 12:48b NASB