Being intentional: when the lame excuses aren't cutting it

So the other day, I told myself (and my husband) that I was going to go running that evening. It had been a long time coming and I really needed to considering I had a 5k race to prepare for that was less than a week away. When it came down to it though, I used every excuse I could think of to try and convince myself (and my husband) that I really shouldn't go after all. "It's raining.", "My iPod isn't charged, and there's no way I can run without music." When my husband rebutted both of those excuses and asked me again why I wasn't going, I came back with "I don't know, because I don't feel like it." Probably the lamest and biggest cop-out excuse ever. So after some convincing and a pep-talk I finally went. Even though I was practically mad at my husband when I left, for pushing me so hard and not just letting it go, I felt so awesome after I ran that I came home and thanked him for it. The point, I don't feel like running, probably ever. But my body NEEDS me to and if I want to be in good shape, then it has to be done. So eventually after dragging my feet then pretty much getting shoved out the door, I suck it up and I do it, and I realize it was really for my own good.

Same goes for so many different aspects of my life. Eating healthy for example, very rarely do I ever feel like eating healthy. But my body sure appreciates the fact that I refuse the temptation to indulge my sweet-tooth and eat nothing but cake and ice cream 24/7. Then there's writing, if I just sit around waiting for the inspiration to come, so much of that precious time gets wasted. In all actuality, when I make myself just sit down and put my mind to it whatever needs to be said ends up making it's way on to the paper. Even in more important scenarios like showing love to my sweet husband, because let's be honest there are days when we drive each other crazy and being nice to one another seems way harder than it ought to be. You know when it starts to feel a little less like the Notebook and a little more like Everybody Loves Raymond. If we aren't intentional about putting the necessary effort in to rekindling that fire it will eventually sizzle out. Our marriage is much too important for us to risk letting that happen just because we get lazy sometimes. If I wait until I want to referring to any of these matters not only will it almost never happen but I will not thrive which ultimately is what we all want for ourselves, for our relationships. Right!? There is a common theme here: the best and most rewarding things in life require hard work and persistence, not just even but especially in those times when you don't really feel like it.

Similarly so, I have to be intentional when it comes to actively seeking God and His will for my life. I know I am probably all alone on this one but believe it or not, I get in those moods where I don't feel like reading my Bible. Where I'd rather be wasting time doing something, anything other than praying. If I don't make the effort my spiritual walk, my relationship with Christ will suffer. As I get further and further away from Him I will grow colder and colder. Until eventually, I find myself down in some deep, dark hole, miserable and all alone. As appealing as that sounds, I think I am just going to stick with pushing myself when I need it to get into the Word. It's about making a conscious decision no matter what you are--or aren't, feeling. It's not a coincidence that when I do, what I read speaks straight into my soul and is completely relative to whatever I am struggling with at that very moment. It's not just about 'feeling better' afterwards but it is detrimental to my spiritual well being. How many times have I used the "because I don't feel like it" excuse with God and how many precious moments with Him did I miss out on. I've come to realize that it is in those times where I feel the farthest away from Him that hearing His words speaking straight to me means so much. They reassure me of what I've known all along but sometimes and all-to-easily, I forget. He's not just 'always there', which in itself is pretty comforting, but He cares about every single little detail of my life. So much so that He sees exactly what's going on in my heart and knows what I need to hear and desires to share it with me, if I am willing to listen, that is. So maybe I need to change my lame excuse to a response that sounds a little more like "You know, I really don't feel like it but I see now that it's for my own good so I'm choosing to anyways.." and then I'll watch and see how drastically that changes things for me, in every area of my life.

that puzzling question and the funny shaped pieces of me

As a kid, I can remember being asked that puzzling question, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Unlike most kids though, I didn't have just one answer that I was sure of. I had multiple different answers (depending on who asked) ranging from being a teacher to a professional basketball player. None of which were really my dream job but I knew I had to come up with something. I didn't know what I wanted to do because I could never really put my finger on it. There was always this one thing that stuck, that had been ingrained in me ever since I could remember and that's this intense burden to help people. To build up, encourage, inspire. I get this overwhelming feeling, this deep sensitivity towards someone who is struggling or in-need and I (even if I've never experienced personally what they're going through) have the ability to empathize with them, to feel their pain. Not your typical "superhero" answer. No wonder why I made something up, how on earth was I supposed to explain that as a little kid? I mean, I can hardly comprehend it now, as an adult. Sometimes I am not quite sure if it's more of a blessing or a curse, but I know it is indeed God-given and is there for some great purpose.

It's quite an odd gift though and oftentimes I feel completely inadequate because of it. Like, no I'm not extremely smart, and I'm not an awesome athlete, and I'm not a talented artist (of any sort), I just get people. You get people? Oh, cool (awkward silence.) Meanwhile they're thinking, "good luck making money with that one.." It may sound a little over-dramatic but this is how things have ultimately played out before when I am attempting to convey myself because it is such a hard concept to portray to people. Especially when you're just having a face-to-face conversation. I enjoy writing because I can make mistakes, and say things that don't make any sense at all but then I can backspace and re-read and make all the necessary corrections before anyone has seen it. Standing in front of someone, though, you say it, and it's out there; you can't get it back. I struggle with expressing myself correctly the first time around. For instance, one of my least favorite times in college is the first day of  class when you have to 'introduce yourself' I end up getting nervous, forgetting what I was supposed to say, and in-return sounding like an air-head and complete moron that nobody wants to be friends with.

Upon discovering and trying to decipher this so-called 'gift' I have ever-since been trying to find an answer to that question, what do I want to be when I grow up? I know 10 million different things I DON'T want to do, but picking the one thing I do, now that's a bit tricky. You see, I also don't like to commit to things. Most likely, because when I commit to something, I go all out, I put my whole heart in it. Not only does that make me vulnerable which is a little bit scary but it also sounds so permanent. So generally I won't agree to it unless I know for sure, which is a hard thing to know. I guess you could say I am a tad bit indecisive but I'd like to think that it's a little deeper than that.

I am often misunderstood as being overly emotional, and way too sensitive because of this 'gift.' I get hurt way too easily and find myself feeling the pain of someone I've never even met. Most people, including my own husband at times, have no idea how to relate because they have the ability to detach themselves emotionally. Which to me, is most definitely a foreign concept. People tend to think I'm being a big sissy and need to just 'let it go' or 'get over it,' but maybe I am not supposed to let it go, not before doing something about it at least. This is the part where it actually starts to look more like an asset. It empowers me. To the point where I will lay awake at night thinking about what (or who) ever it is on my heart and it will lay heavy on me until I am practically forced to take action, so that I am able to rest once again.

Obviously I know that God knows what He's doing but I am all the more certain of that when it comes to the way He made me. He knew I would need that extra push to get out of my comfort zone, or even better, that driving force that won't quit until I do. And for that I am grateful. I am still trying to specifically define what exactly my purpose in this life is but I am at peace with just taking it one day at time. With tackling the task at hand. Which is all I really need to be worried about, anyways. He'll reveal the rest to me, in time, I have no doubt about that. Even if I am emotional, indecisive, and at times extremely awkward God knew what He was doing when he created me and I am certain that He is going to use every little funny shaped piece of me there is to finish forming that big-picture He's been working on since the day He spoke me into existence.

Beauty Will Rise

The most wonderful thing about being a believer is the fact that no matter what happens to us in this life here on the Earth, that's not the end of the story. We are promised a happy ending, a life after death, and that provides for us hope in the darkest of situations. No one knows why bad things happen, but one thing is certain, they do indeed happen and there's nothing we can do to change that. We can, however, determine the outcome by deciding what to do with ourselves after these difficult times have undoubtedly broken us. Either we let evil win by choosing to remain down, and defeated or we claim victory in Christ and have the courage to rise up from the ashes and let God rebuild us. Into something better, something stronger, and use these hardships to bring forth new growth. Which, more often than not, leads to an unexpected and yet unthinkable beauty.

That's not to say that we don't struggle and ask the hard questions, I mean we'd be lying to ourselves if we tried to deny their existence in our minds, like the "why me?" or "what did I do to deserve this?" But will we actually wait around long enough and stay attentive enough for God to reveal to us the answer. For him to show us how He really is on our side and does work ALL things together for good in our favor, and for His glory. And how He uses the ugliest and most hurtful of circumstances to bring about the most amazing end result that wouldn't have been possible, otherwise.

Isn't it crazy that in our darkest hours, are the times that God feels the farthest away and yet the closest at the  same time. Our initial reaction is to blame God, to be angry at Him and to wonder where He is and why He let this happen. Then when we start to accept whatever it is that has happened and the anger dissolves into sadness, we just want to be held. And who better to be comforted by than the Creator of our very being who happens to know the exact number of hairs that are on our head and every thought that enters our mind. These times when we're at our lowest are probably the most precious to our Heavenly Father, not because he enjoys watching us suffer by any means but rather quite the contrary. When everything else is stripped away and we are completely vulnerable before Him, that's when we experience true intimacy with Him. He finds great pleasure in restoring us and nothing else is more beautiful or meaningful in comparison.

Being a mother myself has helped me to grasp this concept all the more. I watch my daughter toddle around and I am filled with unconditional love and inexpressible joy. I am proud of her and rejoice at every little milestone she reaches. Before long, however, little miss independent becomes a little over-confident in her new-found abilities and refuses to hold my hand anymore; even though, she has only been walking on those tiny little legs for a little over a month. Then, when she is challenged by unexpected uneven surfaces, she stumbles, and falls to the ground. When it's a bad one, she stays right where she's fallen but turns her body around and reaches for me to pick her up, to console her. As a Mom, these times when my child becomes re-acquainted with the desire to be in my arms where she is safe are indeed treasured and very special to my heart.

I realize that my Father feels the same way about me (only His love for me is even greater) during those times when I think that I am more than capable of handling things on my own and then I wind up down in the dirt. I can completely relate to the fact that though He hates when life knocks me down, He loves being there to pick me up when it does, and He cherishes those moments when I'm down on my knees and I'm reaching for Him. And suddenly it all becomes worth it, even if the path that led me there was full of pain and suffering, because what a beautiful, and humbling place that is to be.

I can't answer all those specific questions about why God lets certain things happen to certain people at certain times and so on, but I do know one thing: Our Heavenly Father is the King of bringing beauty from ashes, of taking the most tragic and seemingly hopeless scenarios and bringing about complete resolution and new life. Run into the arms of your Maker and let him put a new song in your heart. The clouds will soon part, the rain will cease and the sun will indeed shine again. This life is tough, but rest in the assurance that inevitably what we have to look forward to is an eternity where everything will be made right again, where we will be made perfect, and where we will live with our Savior in paradise forever. That is the promise I am standing on, the hope that leads me on, and the reason I am able to carry on regardless of what this life may bring. What an overwhelmingly breathtaking view it is when we are able to let go of everything else and are only holding on by our faith but somehow stick it out long enough and climb high enough to see beauty rise up out of the depths of our deepest, darkest valley.

John 16:33

³³ “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
²⁰ 

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Job 30:20

“I cry out to you, God, but you do not answer;
    I stand up, but you merely look at me.

Job 42:10

After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before.

Luke 12:7

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Psalm 139:1-4

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.

Psalm 46:1

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.

Psalm 40:3

He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.

Isaiah 61:3a

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.

Revelation 21:4

‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Psalm 23:6

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.