As a kid, I can remember being asked that puzzling question, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Unlike most kids though, I didn't have just one answer that I was sure of. I had multiple different answers (depending on who asked) ranging from being a teacher to a professional basketball player. None of which were really my dream job but I knew I had to come up with something. I didn't know what I wanted to do because I could never really put my finger on it. There was always this one thing that stuck, that had been ingrained in me ever since I could remember and that's this intense burden to help people. To build up, encourage, inspire. I get this overwhelming feeling, this deep sensitivity towards someone who is struggling or in-need and I (even if I've never experienced personally what they're going through) have the ability to empathize with them, to feel their pain. Not your typical "superhero" answer. No wonder why I made something up, how on earth was I supposed to explain that as a little kid? I mean, I can hardly comprehend it now, as an adult. Sometimes I am not quite sure if it's more of a blessing or a curse, but I know it is indeed God-given and is there for some great purpose.
It's quite an odd gift though and oftentimes I feel completely inadequate because of it. Like, no I'm not extremely smart, and I'm not an awesome athlete, and I'm not a talented artist (of any sort), I just get people. You get people? Oh, cool (awkward silence.) Meanwhile they're thinking, "good luck making money with that one.." It may sound a little over-dramatic but this is how things have ultimately played out before when I am attempting to convey myself because it is such a hard concept to portray to people. Especially when you're just having a face-to-face conversation. I enjoy writing because I can make mistakes, and say things that don't make any sense at all but then I can backspace and re-read and make all the necessary corrections before anyone has seen it. Standing in front of someone, though, you say it, and it's out there; you can't get it back. I struggle with expressing myself correctly the first time around. For instance, one of my least favorite times in college is the first day of class when you have to 'introduce yourself' I end up getting nervous, forgetting what I was supposed to say, and in-return sounding like an air-head and complete moron that nobody wants to be friends with.
Upon discovering and trying to decipher this so-called 'gift' I have ever-since been trying to find an answer to that question, what do I want to be when I grow up? I know 10 million different things I DON'T want to do, but picking the one thing I do, now that's a bit tricky. You see, I also don't like to commit to things. Most likely, because when I commit to something, I go all out, I put my whole heart in it. Not only does that make me vulnerable which is a little bit scary but it also sounds so permanent. So generally I won't agree to it unless I know for sure, which is a hard thing to know. I guess you could say I am a tad bit indecisive but I'd like to think that it's a little deeper than that.
I am often misunderstood as being overly emotional, and way too sensitive because of this 'gift.' I get hurt way too easily and find myself feeling the pain of someone I've never even met. Most people, including my own husband at times, have no idea how to relate because they have the ability to detach themselves emotionally. Which to me, is most definitely a foreign concept. People tend to think I'm being a big sissy and need to just 'let it go' or 'get over it,' but maybe I am not supposed to let it go, not before doing something about it at least. This is the part where it actually starts to look more like an asset. It empowers me. To the point where I will lay awake at night thinking about what (or who) ever it is on my heart and it will lay heavy on me until I am practically forced to take action, so that I am able to rest once again.
Obviously I know that God knows what He's doing but I am all the more certain of that when it comes to the way He made me. He knew I would need that extra push to get out of my comfort zone, or even better, that driving force that won't quit until I do. And for that I am grateful. I am still trying to specifically define what exactly my purpose in this life is but I am at peace with just taking it one day at time. With tackling the task at hand. Which is all I really need to be worried about, anyways. He'll reveal the rest to me, in time, I have no doubt about that. Even if I am emotional, indecisive, and at times extremely awkward God knew what He was doing when he created me and I am certain that He is going to use every little funny shaped piece of me there is to finish forming that big-picture He's been working on since the day He spoke me into existence.
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