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“Friendship is not a remedy for loneliness. Loneliness is part of our experience, and if we are looking for relief from loneliness in friendship, we are only going to frustrate the friendship. Friendship, camaraderie, intimacy, all those things, and loneliness lived together in the same experience.” – Rich Mullins
"I’m the first one to tell anyone that will listen that Christians need to be in community. I am extremely stubborn and I will fight that point against anyone that says they don’t need “church.” Sure you may not need that boring, rule-bound church you grew up in that wasn’t really understanding God’s awesome power as creator and unquestionable love, sending Himself in your place. If your church wasn’t actively crazy passionate about the man (Christ) that loves you so much that he took your death for you then yah, who needs that church? But you (everyone) needs church, the connection with those that love Christ as you do. There are thousands of books and blogs and whatnot about how Christians need community. That’s not what this one is about.
If you didn’t read the quote at the beginning of this then go back . . . wait, even if you did, go back and read it again.
Alright, so here we go. I’m lonely. I’m so lonely. I recently moved to Alabama (ugh, that in and of itself is a terrible fact to type) and I don’t have a community. When I first read the above quote I utterly disagreed. Of course friendship is the remedy for loneliness, Rich, what a fool’s comment. God tells us to be in community, he wants us to be in friendship. I’ve had numerous incredible communities all over the country and I felt that they fulfilled my needs. However, I have been reading a lot of Rich Mullin’s quotes the last couple days and I haven’t found one that I disagreed with so I didn’t like that this was the one. It kind of sat at the back of my mind and I found myself going back and looking it up again and again.
I don’t really have much to do right now so I have a lot of time to think . . . too much thinking really. One of the common thoughts has been about my friendships and due to that quote I have thought about how I truly felt in those friendships, those communities. Even though I wasn’t alone, did I feel lonely? Then I started to think about what my friends think about being alone. About so many people that I love and have had conversations about their loneliness. It hit me really hard. People are lonely. Some of the people that seem the most content and fulfilled in their relationships feel like no one really knows them. They feel alone. There’s a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Sometimes being alone is amazing; it can bring us the greatest contentment and peace. However, loneliness is a state of mind, regardless of who is around you. I’m sure most of you can relate so I don’t need to go into this in depth, also it’s not my point… moving forward.
So maybe it isn’t a fool’s comment. Loneliness is just part of our experience and we can’t find relief in friendship or community. Maybe that’s a truth. Well . . . that’s extremely frustrating. So we can have amazing friendships, community, intimacy but that doesn’t cure our loneliness? Great.
Wait . . . so that’s it? If friendship and community doesn’t combat loneliness then what does? Or is it just something that we have to live and deal with? Loneliness is a feeling. It’s a valid feeling. Sure. But I don’t really want to accept that it is just part of our existence. So clearly the next step was to read some scripture. Obviously the best way for me to quickly sift through Scripture is to “google.” My gosh.
This is what I found: “Bible verses about loneliness: 22 Helpful Quotes,” “62 Bible verses about Loneliness,” “102 Bible Verses on Loneliness.” ...102!!! Well, that seems a bit far-fetched. Every one of those Bible verses are going to help me combat my loneliness? Come on. I’m not going to start quoting these verses here. You can look them up. The general idea, God can fulfill our loneliness, in relationships (i.e. Hebrews 13:1-25, Genesis 2:18, Proverbs 18:24, etc.) and through a relationship with Him; with the comfort, hope and strength He brings (i.e. Matthew 11:28-29, Psalm 121:1-2, Psalm 62:5, Isaiah 40:28-31). If I were reading this, and I were experiencing loneliness (not being alone but really real lonely) that wouldn’t be a lot of comfort at the moment.
This is what I found: “Bible verses about loneliness: 22 Helpful Quotes,” “62 Bible verses about Loneliness,” “102 Bible Verses on Loneliness.” ...102!!! Well, that seems a bit far-fetched. Every one of those Bible verses are going to help me combat my loneliness? Come on. I’m not going to start quoting these verses here. You can look them up. The general idea, God can fulfill our loneliness, in relationships (i.e. Hebrews 13:1-25, Genesis 2:18, Proverbs 18:24, etc.) and through a relationship with Him; with the comfort, hope and strength He brings (i.e. Matthew 11:28-29, Psalm 121:1-2, Psalm 62:5, Isaiah 40:28-31). If I were reading this, and I were experiencing loneliness (not being alone but really real lonely) that wouldn’t be a lot of comfort at the moment.
I’m not saying that Scripture can’t bring you comfort, of course it does however . . . shoot. Okay, extremely vulnerable moment: I haven’t really been wanting to read God’s word lately, or talk to Him for that matter. I’m actually really mad at God and I don’t want to pursue Him. Like I said before, I’m stubborn and in that stubbornness sometimes I don’t take the actions that I know will bring me strength, comfort, or hope. I don’t go after the person (Christ) that I know loves me intimately and could possibly cure my loneliness because . . . I’m mad. I’m really freaking mad and I’m hurt. So, no I haven’t pursued Him.
Alright . . . so I started writing this long winded, whatever this is, for two reasons. To bring myself some clarity and to maybe give someone that feels the same, some relief. Here’s the point of it all. I am lonely. In my loneliness I have sought after the comfort of my friends to bring relief. It hasn’t worked. I love my friends, but it isn’t helping. I also have refused to pursue God to help in this like I just stated. However, here’s the most amazing part. He’s still coming after me . . . (long pause and maybe some tears) . . . He’s still pursuing me, not with amazing gestures or signs that He’s there. But when I have been insanely, quietly lonely.
A couple weeks ago, I was in the car with my two year old Luke (who I have recently started to call Bubba… yes eww, but I secretly love it). My music was on shuffle and “Good, Good Father” came on. I was about to change it (I was in a foul place)but Luke got so excited. So, I let him listen to it and just zoned out. When it was over, I was grateful, but Luke yelled at me, “Again, again mommy” until I let him listen. After the second time, AHH, Luke did it again. This happened four times and only stopped because we arrived at our destination. By the third time my heart was softening, the fourth I was singing at the top of my lungs “and I’m loved by you, it’s who I am, it’s who I am.” I sat in the car and turned to Luke and not wanting this moment to pass no matter how mad I am I started talking to Him about God. “Luke, did you know that God made the cows (Luke loves cows), He made everything, He even made Lucas and Mommy. . . and Lucas, God takes care of the cows because He loves them, and God takes care of you, Luke because He loves you, just like He takes care of Mommy because he loves mommy.”
Well . . . that did it. I lost it. I cried and cried (yep in front of my kid). There it was, God whispering into my spirit. As, parent was whispering the truths of God’s love to her child, God was doing the same for me. I shared this with one of my friends later that night and she said, “Of course he would use Luke to get to you, it makes so much sense . . . you may be distant and cold to a lot of things, but not Lucas. God knows that and used him to remind you that no matter what he’s still there and you’re not alone.”
God pursues us in our loneliness. Sometimes with friends, I don’t doubt that. But friendship is not the remedy for loneliness. Loneliness is part of who we are because we are desperately lonely for our Creator, for our Redeemer. Loneliness is a part of us because we are separated from the one thing that makes us whole. We try to find the cure for this loneliness in other things and people, but we never will. And we can refuse to accept this. We can turn away from God in our loneliness because we are mad. However, even when we refuse to let Him in, He still will come after us. And in the quietest, simplest moments He will remind your spirit, your soul, that although loneliness is part of this life . . . soon, so soon, because of Christ’s dying for you, you will never have to feel that loneliness again. So, tonight I rest in that. Tomorrow may be different, but at least tonight I don’t feel lonely. ;-)"
-Beth Dille
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You're a blessing, sweet friend! & I know these words will inspire many.. Love you!!
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