My sweet hubby and I have been going through kind of a rocky stage for a while now. We're just a couple babies with a baby (who happens to be the funniest and most amazing little one year old girl I've ever met;) of our own. We are high school sweethearts and have been together over 5 years now (married for 2). I guess you could say we've gotten to the point where it's far from that starry-eyed "happily ever after" and it's more like we're just going through the motions. We've kind of lost the romance. The fireworks. The excitement, that we once had. We're just making our way through this journey called life, together; but most days instead of cherishing each moment and enjoying one another, we're struggling to even have a decent conversation. The "D" word is completely unacceptable in our house. Especially being that we both experienced first-hand the ugly and heart-breaking aftermaths of divorce. We made a commitment to ourselves, to each other, and to God that we would not ever let it get to that point. We can always work it out. Can't we? Lately, there's been more downs than ups. More bickering than laughing. It's been hard.
Last night though, we finally had a breakthrough. We finally were able to connect with each other and were open and honest with one another about our fears and feelings, our hopes and our struggles. Both of us immediately felt this huge weight lifted. Like we had been bottling these things up for so long and were finally been able to just let it all out. I feel personally responsible for the majority of our lack of solid communication here in the last year or so. Not that he is perfect, we both played our parts but God has opened my eyes to things I've never seen (or cared to see) before, in regards to the way I treat my husband. I have to own up to that and try and make it better. After we had talked a little bit Ry shared with me the reason he felt so comfortable opening up at that moment was because for once I was listening. Really listening. Just listening, and not reacting.
I guess I have the tendency to fly off the handles and respond in ways that are less than inviting and in no way positive or encouraging. I have not been very good at being "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." In fact, I have pretty much mastered the opposite. If he said something I didn't like or disagreed with I would immediately jump down his throat and belittle him. Making him feel terrible and regret ever having brought it up. Now you see why I am placing the blame mostly on myself, right? How on earth is he ever supposed to open-up to me about anything if he doesn't feel like he is in a safe place? Where he won't get attacked for saying something I think is wrong. I am so glad that for whatever reason last night, I decided to put down all my defense weapons and really just hear him out, without getting upset. He was so relieved when I did that and it made a tremendous difference, almost immediately, in the way we interacted with one another. It allowed us to be real. Gave us room to be free. To say the things that we not only wanted, but the things that needed to be said.
So what the crap was my problem in the first place? What did all that stem from? I guess you could say I felt like I had the right to be angry. The things that Ryan was struggling with I just could not accept. They were too big for me. And due to my own personal experiences with them, too hurtful as well. Instead of giving him the grace that I should, that I myself am constantly in-need of and am ever so often receiving, I just became angry. I took it personally and held it against him. I resented him for the things he was doing. Which in-turn made me cold and unapproachable, making him distant and reserved.
There are so many things wrong with what I was doing and the way I was handling things. One: I was being a complete hypocrite. I have my own struggles, one of which being my self-righteous attitude and ignorance to my own flaws. I was pointing out the speck in his eye while failing to notice the plank in my own. Two: I was completely disrespecting my husband. The one I am commanded to respect and submit to. The one I chose to do life with. The one I committed my heart to, solely. Three: I was deliberately disobeying God. He was asking me to surrender this thing to Him. To trust Him. To be still and let Him handle it. I refused, though, tried to take matters into my own hands and created this whole mess. (and the list could go on, and on..)
Recently, I had texted one of my closest friends and asked her to pray for me, regarding this situation. Regarding something that Ryan happened to be struggling with. I told her that I just really wasn't sure how to handle it. That I didn't know what I was supposed to do about it. She assured me that she'd be praying for me and I went to bed. The next morning I woke up and with the answer fresh on my mind, I knew exactly what I was supposed to do about this particular scenario. Nothing at all. I struggled with that but then it became clear to me that on top of disobeying God I was trying to be him. I had felt like it was too big of an issue for me to handle, because it is. It is not up to me to fix my husband from all his so-called "problems." He is a child of God-- flaws and all-- as am I and we are both responsible to Him alone for our actions.
I can honestly say that I've learned a very valuable lesson. I've discovered a key ingredient to not only just staying married but being happily united with my one true love and very best friend. The secret is this: Shut up and listen! Without judgement. Which is obviously the same way in which I would like to be treated. It doesn't get any more cliche than that. The number one Sunday school answer. The golden rule. But it's the dang truth. My attitude towards my husband and my over-reaction to things not only drew us away from one another but could have potentially ruined us. Luckily, I have a man who is very patient with me and forgiving and a God who is bigger than us both and is teaching us daily, through His unfailing love, how to love one another in the same way, unconditionally.
After all, we did commit to, for better or worse, didn't we!? It is in no way easy which is probably why the Bible warns us about the troubles that come to those who choose to get married. It completely goes against human nature in more ways than one. It is so incredibly more than worth it though. Now I can say with confidence (as a work in progress, of course) that I am thoroughly enjoying attempting to actually live out the things that I said before. Back when Ryan surprised me with my life-long dream of riding in a hot air balloon and I said "yes" to his big question, and then 4 months later on that beautiful day at the beach where we looked into each other's eyes and made those promises, that life-long commitment and meant it.
James 1:19
Listening and Doing
19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,Matthew 7:3-5
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Ephesians 5:22-23
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
Matthew 19:4-6
4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’[a] 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’[b]? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’[a] 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’[b]? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
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