stepping out of the ring & out in my faith

Perhaps the hardest thing I have ever been asked to do is nothing at all. To a control freak/"fighter" like myself, those words are frightening. What do you mean, I can't do anything!? Precisely, I cannot physically do anything to change the situation. I just have to sit back and let God handle it. Yes, I know all the Sunday-school answers, He's more than able, there's nothing too big for Him, He'll only do what's best, etc. and I do believe those things. Don't I? Sometimes my actions prove otherwise, because, well, when I actually have to apply them to my life, when He's asking me to completely relinquish the control of something (a possession, mind you, that was never mine in the first place but always His) I am finding that to be incredibly difficult. What I do know is that right now, at this very moment, He's commanding me to just "be still," to just know that He is God and accept that He is in control.

I wish it were that easy and I wish I would just listen the first time around, but I think I'm tough and for whatever reason I think I got a pretty good shot at it. Jumping in the there with my gloves like I'm Rocky or Muhammad Ali. "Don't worry, God, I got this." The words barely even leave my lips before I'm made aware that I am actually in way over my head, that this other "dude" is huge and I'm officially getting my butt kicked. God quietly reminds me that this was never my battle to begin with. He is asking me to step out of the ring on this one. To bow out, gracefully, obediently. To be the spectator and watch Him work. To trust Him. Though it's not easy and I'm basically going out kicking and screaming, He quiets me with His unfailing love. In a way that no one else can, that I can't even explain. All I know is that something just comes over me and in the midst of all this chaos, in the heat of the battle, I am, somehow, at peace. I know that He will come out victorious over this thing. Then, I realize that this is exactly where I need to be. These times that require me to rely solely on Him, where He is literally the only option I've got, are the times where my faith is able to truly develop, where it is made deeper and stronger.

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it." -Rocky Balboa

Especially in these times when things aren't exactly going as I'd planned, when my heart is broken and my spirit not far behind, though I feel defeated, I am, even still and ever more precious to God. He accepts that as a holy sacrifice to Him, even. He won't be far from me. He takes great delight in comforting me. He will restore to me the joy of Salvation, once more. I can now recall and relish in the depths of what that really means at these times when I've fallen short. When I'm in-need of His great compassion. When I need Him to fight for me because what I'm facing is simply much too large for me to manage alone. Then, in an incredibly beautiful and unique way He reminds me of His promises and to those promises do I ever-so-closely cling. Never have they looked so wonderful or claimed to be more true and relevant than in this moment. He paints an extraordinary rainbow in the sky, just for me, and then sees to it that I am out there at just the right time to enjoy it. Not a minute early nor a second too late, so as not to have missed it. I am greatly comforted and my mind is at ease. My fears are put to rest as His colorful truths seem to radiate from the heavens. Though my flesh fails, though my heart grows weak, though my eyes are tired, though my hands get heavy He will be my strength until the very end.

This isn't my battle and it never was. I need to move out of the way and let God be God. To give him room to do what He does best. I need to stop thinking that it's up to me to save the day. I only end up making a bigger mess of things when using such silly logic. All that being said, God, I ask for strength that only You can provide. Help me to surrender this fight to You, I know You hate watching it defeat me the way it does. The way it affects me. Takes a toll on me. On us. It was never Your intention for me to try and take this on. Give me the courage and humility I need to let it go. Help me to trust You, and may this build my character, grow my faith, and ultimately bring you glory, oh Father in heaven, both the lover and protector of my soul.

"It's the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen."

-Muhammad Ali

Genesis 9:13 (NLT)

 I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth.

Psalm 51:12,17(NLT)

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and make me willing to obey you.

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
    You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

Exodus 14:14 (NIV)

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Psalm 54:4 (NASB)

 Behold, God is my helper;
The Lord is the sustainer of my soul.

Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;