This picture basically sums up the way my life's been going for about the last year. Pretty much describes exactly how I've been feeling lately. Shattered. Broken. So far from who I used to be, what I was created for.
I made these ornaments a couple of years ago using my sweet & (then) tiny baby girl's little handprints. Finding them in pieces was the icing on the cake to an already piece of crap day. It was the final straw for me. I pretty much lost it.
Why is EVERYTHING falling apart? Why am I such a failure? This too!?
Drama, drama, drama, I know. Ugh, but that's usually how it goes, isn't it? It's the little things like this that end up being what finally leads me to my breaking point after I feel like I've been trying my hardest to hold it all together for so long. I just couldn't deal with one more thing in my life being broken & feeling so completely helpless knowing there's nothing I could do to fix it.
They've just been sitting there in that little wooden box for like a week now because I can't bring myself to throw them away. That seems so final, you know? & I'm just not ready to come to grips with reality yet, to admit defeat. But wait, are we talking about me... Or the ornaments!? Maybe a little bit of both. It sucks & I absolutely hate feeling so powerless in any situation. It's impossible for me to try & put all those tiny pieces back together. There's literally nothing I can do about it.
But, you know what? Maybe that's exactly where I need to be right now. Those fragmented ornaments are a perfect metaphor for my life & my need to give up control. I've got to stop clinging to shattered things because the longer I hold on to them-- the more I'm denying the inevitable-- the longer the process of healing is going to take. Eventually, I've got to make peace with this mess that has become my life in order to move on to a better place. To make room for God & His extravagant grace.
You see, I may not be able to do anything useful with all this brokenness but He absolutely can. He can make ALL things new. (Revelation 21:5)
I've just got to let go of the need to be "in control." To quit holding on to things that are doing me no good. It's time that I give them to God & let Him work His magic, if you will, to create something worthy, & useful again. Even from the mere scraps that I feel are all that's left of me. I'm never going to amount to anything more than just a shattered mess as long as I'm refusing to admit to the fact that I am, in fact, broken & in so much need.
He's more than willing to meet me where I'm at. He's more than capable of rebuilding and redeeming all that's been lost. So as much as it pains me to do so, I'll be throwing away the precious little pieces of these once so beautiful & special ornaments. So that in their place something new can be created. Just like in my own heart, I've got to stop focusing on what was, on what I've lost. What good is it doing me to hold on to the broken pieces anyway? Looking at what's left of those ornaments everyday just reminds me of the fact that it happened & it's somehow all my fault & oh yea, I can't do anything to change it. Sounds healthy, right!?
Yet, It's almost the exact same thing that's going on in my mind constantly these days.
How did we get here? Why is everything such a mess? How in the world am I ever going to fix this?
It's like I'm looking around just wishing things would be different somehow. Like I'm just going to wake up from a bad dream & everything will all be back to the way it was. But unfortunately, life just doesn't work that way.
Until I'm ready to admit to the brokenness that exists inside of me, until I relinquish all control to the only One who can actually do something about it & make some sense of all the chaos, I'll still just be here staring at a little wooden box of shards, of what used to be, feeling so broken and helpless. It's time for me to hand it over to Him. To admit that I'm defeated & I can't do anything about it, not on my own anyway.
Finally accepting the reality of what is, is exactly what I need to do to allow the healing process to begin in my heart & in my life. To let go. To make peace. To make room for the new. To take these shattered things that make up me lately & trade them for God's extravagant grace. Allowing for His transforming power to move in me to create wholeness & beauty once again.
