Grace in the hard places.

You ever get jolted awake by your body physically flinging itself upright in some last attempt to save you from whatever terror has just threatened to consume you in your sleep? Now, I'm not referring to typical weird dreams that are bizarre but don't really seem to make much lucid sense. I'm talking about the one's where you wake up in a cold sweat, gasping for air. That feel so much like real-life that you can't really differentiate between the dream & reality. You're confused & disoriented to the point of questioning legitimately whether or not that really just happened. Trying to shake the unsettling feeling that maybe it did. Before eventually you start to calm down & catch your breath. Realizing that you're still in bed & it was all just one frighteningly realistic nightmare.

Twice. That's happened to me twice this week, already (& it's only Wednesday). 

Ah, the joy of anxiety dreams. 

I get them quite frequently. Sometimes seemingly for no reason. Other times having a direct correlation to a certain circumstance I'm dealing (or not dealing) with at the time.

The other night, I had one of those. ^

In this dream, I was driving. I lost control & I wrecked my car. I can't remember all the specific details beyond the fact that it was a serious accident. What I do remember, quite vividly, was having this very real fear that this was the end for me. I was pretty sure I was going to die. 

With this so-called "reality" gripping me I asked myself one question: if this was really 'it' for me, would I "be okay with the way things are?" 

Absolutely not. 

That question paralyzed me. Crippled by this feeling of complete helplessness & desperation. I felt frantic. In this state of absolute panic. There were so many things I had left unsettled, unfinished. But there was nothing I could do about it anymore. 

It was too late. 

Then, I woke up.

Yikes. 

Not a fun way to start the morning. 
(Thanks for that, subconscious.)

But it most definitely did, in all meanings of the phrase, wake me up.

My life had gotten pretty out of control. I no longer had a grip on reality. I had been in somewhat of a daze or fog for a good couple of months. 

In dealing with some difficult things I was faced with that all seemed to pile up at once & in trying to process through it all I didn't handle my emotions in the best or most productive way, per usual. 

Taking out my hurt, and frustration on all of those closest to me. Or just innocent bystanders who happened to be standing too close at the time. 

It got pretty ugly. 

I made myself miserable. Feeling ostracized, abandoned, & neglected all of which I basically accomplished all on my own. (Impressive, I know.) 

I distanced myself from some of my most favorite people in the world. I created tension & awkwardness between myself & others unnecessarily. I became completely self absorbed, threw a giant pity-party, & saw nothing outside of my own pain. Causing hurt & confusion for several different people, none of whom deserved any of it. 

So, yea. 

That dream was the rude awakening that I needed to jar me back into reality. I woke up for the first time in a long time with clarity. I had been stuck in my own head for such a long time. I realized it was time to make things right. 

I knew it wasn't going to be easy. My actions had been self-destructive & harsh. My overall demeanor had become ridiculously negative. I was almost completely unapproachable. 

(^^Super fun people to be around)

But I knew what needed to be done. I also knew it was a God-thing. So, even if it terrified me, I was ready. 

He has this way of lovingly, yet firmly, drawing us to our knees in humility and bringing us to this place of repentance, whether we like it or not. 

Let me tell you, it is NOT a fun place to be, but having finally been able to come to grips with the situation, recognizing the flaws in my behavior, & taking ownership for my actions & the pain caused by them was so incredibly freeing.

Still painful, nonetheless. No one likes being in those hard places. Where you have to face the facts & have difficult conversations. Apologize for the awful way that you've been. Then beg for forgiveness. 

It sucks. 

But so worth it in the long run.

Few things achieve humility as much as being granted something you know you don't deserve.

I don't know if you know this or not, but God happens to be really good at GRACE. I can attest to that truth because I happen to need a whole lot of it. Yet, I am completely undeserving. 

Yes, God has most certainly humbled me in this situation. 

I have been a hot-mess, there's no doubt about that. I'm sure watching my mostly self-afflicted  suffering was probably excruciating to him, as it was for some of my friends. 

He wasn't pleased with my behavior but He still continued to show up regardless. In random places. At weird times.

Grace looks completely different, I think, each time it's given. It's a unique gift not some simple 5-step forgiveness plan. But the offer's always there, that part doesn't ever change. 

God likes to get me at 5am. 

He woke me up one morning with the thought of a passage from Luke 7 floating around in my mind. This particular story was about a sinful woman who fell at Jesus' feet weeping as he sat at a table amongst a group of pharisees. (Bold move, mad props.)

44 Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.47 “I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” 48 Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.”

That got me. Broke me. I could completely relate. I am that sinful woman. 

I am forgiven. 

He was reminding me. Even in the midst of my struggle. Showing me grace. 

Though he doesn't condone, approve of, or affirm us in our sin or seasons of rebellion--by any means-- none of those things will ever disqualify us from being worthy of his love, deserving of his grace, or from receiving his forgiveness. 

In fact, as Jesus illustrated to his disciples in that Luke passage, being forgiven of much helps us to show much love.   

It also helps us to forgive much. 

At the end of the day, we are all in need of grace. We are all human. We are all sinners who fall short. We all give in to the flesh from time to time. We are all so completely undeserving.

Yet, even still, he offers it. 

Willingly. Freely. Joyfully. 

I needed that. 

This redemptive grace that comes in & takes hold of me, my heart, & the situation. Then commands that I make things right. While assuring me of the truth: I am not alone. Never too far gone. Always loved, no matter what. In spite of myself, & the way that I have been because he is God & he is good. 

Sometimes getting "unstuck" requires a good cry in the bathroom with a close friend. Sincerely apologizing after recognizing the extent of the wrong you've done & hurt you've caused. Just to be met with a compassionate & understanding hug, along with the ever-so-healing words, "I forgive you." 

Or an insanely realistic dream that wrecks you & rocks your world. Bringing you to this place of realization & revelation. Opening your previously blinded eyes to the severity of the situation. 

Or maybe just quiet moments in the wee hours of the night/early morning. The only time during your hectic day where you're completely without distraction. When you're able to hear God clearly. Simply reminding you, "It's okay. I love you. I'm still here" 

One thing is for sure, he doesn't ever give up. He continuously, relentlessly pursues us with a fiery passion that forgets the past & sees the very best. Even in the midst of the wrestling & downright ugliness raging within us he is right there taking full advantage of every opportunity to call us back to himself-- in love. Offering new hope. New life. Redemption. Forgiveness. We don't deserve it, not one bit. Truth is, we never will. But the beauty of God is that He knows that, he is fully aware. Yet, he offers it still. Be encouraged by this truth: there is an endless amount of grace for you & for me, even & especially amidst the hard places.