the other side of the heartache

This post is really hard for me to write and even harder for me to publicize for the fact that it exposes me and some of my deep-rooted flaws. But as always I feel led to share it in hopes that it will bless and encourage others or simply let someone know that they are not alone in their struggles. Thank God that he uses our messes to help make sense of things and if nothing else to teach us a thing or two about ourselves and about His perfect love for us regardless.

Many of you probably remember the post I wrote last fall sharing my story about the baby I lost when I was nearly 10 weeks pregnant. After that initial post life moved on as it always does it doesn't wait for you to mourn or grieve or get your crap together it just keeps on going. To most of those around me, I seemed to be handling things pretty well. Seemed to have all the right answers. Seemed to know what to say. Seemed to put on a pretty good face and seemed to be doing just fine. The funny thing about what seems to be is that it can be quite contradictory from the way things actually are. 

esse quam videri- A latin phrase meaning "to be rather than to seem (to be)."

That's not to discredit anything I said in that post. I meant and believed with all my heart every word of what I said in it. I did know the right answer: that God had a plan and even if I couldn't see it, or didn't understand it, or like the outcome, even, I could trust that He had it all under control and is working it all out, even the tragedy and heartache for something good. Which is completely, one hundred percent true.

Did that, however, completely eliminate negative thoughts from creeping back in my mind; did it automatically make it all plain and simple and easy to cope with; did it immediately make all the pain, and sadness disappear; quite frankly, no, it did not.

And that fact is not for any other reason than my own stubbornness and pride. And I just had some issues with actually applying the truth that I knew to my life when those two big things got in the way. You see, I can say that I trust God and that I've made peace with things but until I truly let go, relinquish control (the little I thought I had), and let Him have it all it's not genuine and it's not going to do me one bit of good.

Here's the next part of my story that I've only shared with a few others, due to the fact that it's honest, raw, and really just ugly, on my part. But hang tight-- thankfully, with God there's always a beautiful ending.

To say that I struggled with the loss of my baby is an understatement. It haunted me day in and out (some better/worse than others, of course) for a solid 8 months. I remember having to go in my phone and erase all the little milestones I had marked on my calendar: 12 weeks, 16 weeks, 20 weeks (pink or blue!?), 24 weeks, 32 weeks, 36 weeks, 40 weeks (due date!). delete. delete. delete. One by one I had to erase each one of them individually reliving the fact that we would never reach any of those days with this pregnancy, with this baby, and I bawled my eyes out.

I wasn't just sad and disappointed, though those emotions were quite prevalent, as well, I was straight up mad. And anyone who knows me and has been lucky enough (ha) to have seen the extent of my cuban attitude knows that this is a scary place for me to be residing. I was angry with God. but I had plans. It was going to be perfect. Why did you take this from me?

Selfishness.

I kept telling myself (as well as others) that I knew it was for a reason and that I was okay and had made peace with things but that was simply just untrue. I wasn't blatantly trying to lie I just simply was refusing to completely release it and give it to Him like I had planned to and should have from the very beginning. Instead, I wanted to hold on to what little bit of control I did have and not only that, I wanted to run with it.

As we females often do, I began obsessing over getting pregnant again feeling that things would be so much better once this happened. That I couldn't fully heal until then. So I began marking my calendar highlighting ovulation days and then (I am embarrassed even to say) I began counting from that day to calculate when the due date would be (because that matters, you know, has to be a good, solid date) if I happened to wind up getting pregnant that day. I know, I sound like a crazy person but this is the mess of a reality I found myself in. Each month being disappointed by the fact that I was still somehow not pregnant.

As you can imagine, I was driving my sweet hubby absolutely nuts but he was always kind yet direct with his words and would have no problem putting me into place. "Don't you think we will get pregnant again when God wants it to happen?" he would say. Well, yes, yes, of course but that doesn't mean I can't know and try and just pretty much take matters into my own hands, right!? ha. Incorrect.

Ignorance.

I was so blinded by my own selfish desires and the need for control that I spent most of my days in a slump and not only missed out on so many potential blessings but I also failed to see obvious things that I've known forever and were right in front of my face.

Hubs and I ended up deciding (more like he decided and I reluctantly agreed-- sort of) that maybe it'd be best to wait to have any more kids until after we were done with school. "Don't you want the opportunity to stay home with this baby like you did with Makenna? You want a baby now but it's not necessarily the best time for it. Don't you want to be there and give this next baby the best you possibly can even if that means having to wait?" There he goes again, being all right and putting me in my place. After all, doesn't it seem that that is what God wants with all this trying and nothing happening. So again, with my reluctance we stopped "trying."

It was like I had to mourn the loss of the miscarriage that I suffered several months earlier all over again because I had placed so much of my hope (as well as, time and energy) in the fact that I would just get pregnant again right away that I don't think I even properly grieved the loss before I was already obsessing over getting pregnant with the next. Ouch. It hurts when I put it that way.

Insensitivity.

So there I was, basically back to square one and feeling pretty low and that's when the breakthrough happened. I like to call it the "breakthrough beyond the struggle." I was in the shower one day and I was just crying out to God, I was being honest and open and wasn't holding anything back. He can handle it, right?

God I'm just so angry, this is so unfair, how could you take my child from me...

Before the words even left my lips I shuddered at the thought of what I'd just said and who I'd just said it to. He could handle it, yes but could I handle what happened next? The response I got back though it wasn't quite an audible voice might as well've been. It was spoken with a fierceness I've never known before but was also stricken with grief,

Don't you think I know how that feels? 

I could almost see the hurt in His eyes. At my ignorance, my selfishness, my insensitivity. My knees hit the tile floor and I completely fell apart. It absolutely wrecked me, in the best way possible. In that moment, my heart was broken open wide no longer for myself but for God, my Savior. I cried out to Him and just kept repeating the words, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." How could I be so blind to have not seen this before? Of course He knows exactly what I'm going through only He choose that path out of His own selflessness. The difference between me and God is that He willingly offered up His only son to save me-- a selfish little brat who throws a fit when she doesn't get what she wants.

The beautiful part about all that is that His grace is way greater than my failure and no sooner than my knees hit that floor was He lifting me back up to comfort me, and hold me, to let me know it's okay, He's been there, He know's the depths of my hurt, and most of all that He loves me so stinkin' much.  Drawing me gently into this place of intense worship and intimacy with Him. A place I hadn't been in a long time. That's where He wanted me all along.

And if for no other reason than to experience God in this raw and authentic way like I never have before and to be able to comprehend even the tiniest little bit more of what He put himself through for me, well then it was all worth it. Every last tear drop that fell from my eyes, all the pain, sadness, frustration and fears He was right there with me through it all and even though I turned my back on Him He stayed there with a hand on my shoulder just waiting patiently for me to turn back around, to let Him in, so I could see what He sees, what He did, and that He willingly made this great sacrifice, to which now I could comprehend the depths of a little bit better, for me. 

That next Sunday morning, I went to the youth house to help "lead" the discussion for Sunday School. It's funny though as a "leader" how much the kids actually end up teaching you especially without them even realizing it. We had an awesome talk about Job and the horrible things he went through in his life and how this made his faith in God even stronger as he continued to trust Him through it all. We then started discussing things in our own lives that get taken away from us and why possibly that might happen. When this insightful teenager (a boy even;) pipes up and says something like, "Well, sometimes I think God allows things to be taken from us when we're putting them above Him and idolizing them." Wow!

He hit the nail on the head with that one. I never even stopped to notice or recognize that I had been idolizing this ideal of becoming pregnant again and in doing so I was almost completely ignoring God except when I wanted to yell at Him about how mad I was and how unfair it was. Yet He didn't hold that against me.. the minute I asked for His forgiveness, in fact, He remembered it no more.

I felt like this huge weight had been lifted off my back that I was no longer carrying around this burden. I felt light and free, full of joy and at peace, for real this time, knowing that God didn't only have a wonderful plan but He also has shared in every bit of my suffering only a billion times worse and that He was walking with me through this thing. Again, that's not a new concept but selfishness has a way of making us blind to things that are otherwise quite obvious, right? And I was glad to be re-experiencing this very intimate and relational aspect of my Father, who loves me so dearly, all over again.

A few days after that, I found out the most unexpected and incredibly exciting news-- I was pregnant! We weren't even trying? What an amazing gift and blessing from God that I in no way deserve! I don't want that to be the focal point of this post, however, but rather the fact that God is so incredibly good and He knows what is best for me. He knows what is best for me. Had to say it again because apparently I forget way too easily. In my "perfect plan" I was supposed to have the baby that I lost back in April and I would likely not have finished my Bachelor's degree that I've been working so hard for the last 2 years. In His perfect plan I'll be (Lord willing) graduating in December and having my sweet babe in February. Perfect timing. His perfect timing. 

My advice to my future self (because unfortunately I'm sure this won't be the last time I find myself in a scenario like this) and to any others who may be dealing with similar hardships: stop struggling, lay it down, and let God take over. Save yourself the heartache, and the headache. Set your pride aside so you can hold on to your dignity. I think about how silly I must have looked. Probably comparable to my 2 and a half year old who crosses her arms and pooches out her lips complete with furrowed brows, a foot stamp, and oh, the tears when she doesn't get what she wants because I know it's not what she needs right now. Trust Him. I promise, He will not let you down but instead He'll bless you beyond your wildest dreams. I am so grateful for the beautiful blessings He's bestowed. I know that I am so undeserving but I'm so glad He uses my heartache when I get to the other side of it (eventually, after I stop being so stubborn) to draw me into Himself to experience even further the depths of His great love for me. Oh, what a beautiful journey it is.

Jeremiah 29:11(NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Romans 8:28(NIV)

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

1 John 1:9New International Version (NIV)

9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Ephesians 3:20-21(NIV)

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

long distance running, pity cheers, and perseverance

Back in High school, I was on the cross country team but let me just set things straight real quick by being totally honest here in saying that I was (and still am) in no way what you would think of as the typical "runner type." I was one of those in the very back struggling to breathe and barely moving. But I was moving, and that's what mattered.

Our team slogan which was printed on our shirts said, "start strong" on the front and then on the back read, "finish stronger." That quote pretty much sums up the goal of my life. Even though the majority of the time I honestly hate running because it's hard, and it sucks, and I'm a wimp. I love the way that running correlates so well with life and teaches such practical skills I can apply daily. It can be so spiritual and therapeutic. Let me elaborate:

One of my beautiful friend's and a running companion on my cross country team-- who totally was (and still is) the "runner type" and someone I was always striving to be more like (and still am) both on the running field and off-- used to encourage me to pray while I was running. It took my mind off the pain and discomfort I was feeling and really helped put things into perspective when I started praising Him for all the blessings in my life including the ability to run. One specific time, I remember her sharing a story about a runner who was really struggling, her feet were feeling heavy, and she was on the verge of calling it quits. When she felt in her Spirit the Lord saying, "I'll pick them up, you just put them down." And suddenly it all seemed doable, continuing was possible, and giving up no longer an option. So she started praying something like, "Okay, God, you pick them up, and I'll put them down." Wow, how that changed things for me both on the running field and off. I started praying that very prayer, as well, and it helped me immensely in knowing that I wasn't doing this thing on my own. That He was always right there with me, and more than that, He was willing to take it from me and do the brunt of the work-- and still is. This "non-runner" started to believe in herself, recognizing that it actually had very little to do with me and my feeble abilities. This realization freed me from the pressure of a perfect performance. Rather, His strength which is not limited by or contingent upon what I can or can't do but that regardless of those things He will find me useful and has created me for a purpose. In which, He will use my very weaknesses to showcase and make perfect His great and mighty power. 

One year we got the opportunity to advance through Regionals and onto the state-wide cross country competition. And we got there because of me. What!? How is that possible? Our top runner who's PR (personal record) was probably somewhere in between 19-20 minutes for a 5k and I'm fighting the hardest I can to get lower than 26 and I was the reason we got to advance to state? No way! Way. It was because I was there. I showed up. I competed, and though I was no where near the greatest or fastest, it mattered and it was enough. And it happened to be just what was needed for our team to advance to state.

Here's how it happened: our team's totaled, overall times tied with another team's. My time, being the 6th runner, generally didn't matter due to the fact that only your top 5 runners times are used in factoring the score; except in the event of a tie. In which case, the 6th runners of each team break the tie. Luckily for me, they didn't have a 6th runner, so we automatically advanced. Sort of by default, and barely skating by (as we were battling for the last place spot) but we got to advance to the state competition and that was freaking awesome and exciting!

The funny thing is that when we got to state even though we went out and ran our hardest and pretty much all beat our personal best times we still as a team came in 24th place of the 24 teams that were there competing. But we still cheered like crazy when the announcers read out, "Keystone Heights High School" (proud of our little hick-town with 1 and a half stop lights) because it didn't matter if we were in last place. We got to state, and that was a huge accomplishment!

The even funnier thing, since I happened to be the slowest one, and we came in last place as a team, guess who was the very last runner to cross the finish line!? Yep, you guessed it-- me. It really wasn't even close, at all, either, because though the girl in front of me was still in sight (which was a good thing because without her I would've had no idea where to go and probably would've gotten lost on top of being dead last), she was barely in sight and that was pretty much the extent of it. There was no chance I'd be catching up to her. They were basically packing everything up and had started turning all the lights off (it was a night run) by the time I made it to the finish line. Talk about a humbling experience! Even though to most everyone there I was just this poor slow girl who was obviously in the wrong sport; personally, it was the fastest I had ever run. I reached my goal of getting under 26 minutes, just barely, like probably only a few seconds under but it was still a 25 and that was something to be proud of and something I had worked hard for!

The funniest thing about being in dead last for probably three quarters of the race is that people, complete strangers, cheer you on. It's pity cheers but they're cheering nonetheless and every little bit of encouragement helps. Especially when you feel like you're going to die and you just really want to quit. I mean I'm in very last place, who's really going to notice, or care if I just slip out of the race, anyways? But there was always someone there, smiling, clapping, telling me I could do it and that I was almost done (yeah right, lady! We are at mile one I still have 2.1 {& yes the .1 makes a difference} to go.. but sure, thanks anyways). Regardless of where they were and what they were saying it was just what I needed to hear to keep moving and that's just what I did, and what I had become so good at, steadily moving. At my own pace, regardless of all those around me, or not around me, rather. This was my race, not theirs and all I could do was my very best. To run this race to the best of my own ability. I finished and I finished strong. Even if the standings indicated that I was the loser, I still won.

This story (which is all, painfully enough, very true) is a great representation of life and in it are a couple of really valuable points I want to emphasize. The first being the fact that it all kind of symbolizes my life lately.  I feel like I've been running this race for a while now, constantly trying to catch up, and always out of breath. But just when I'm about ready to give up and throw in the towel, I mean like I'm this close to quitting-- something happens, someone's there and I'm like okay, maybe I can do this!  God sees me, struggling along, and He knows just what I need and He gives me just that! Even if it's in the form of something or someone unexpected, the goal to encourage my heart, is still accomplished. And those pity cheers always seem to be enough to motivate me to keep on going. 

Which brings me to the next point I want to make: forward motion (even in the form of the teeniest, tiniest little baby step) is progress-- in some cases it means simply getting back up and dusting ourselves off after we've fallen down or backslidden-- and that's all we should be striving for. Just that very next step. All the while praying, "You pick them up, and I'll put them down." When we're able to recognize the fact that God's right there with us and that He's willing to take on our heaviest burdens leaving us with just the light work, it becomes a lot more manageable. Regardless of how exhausted we are and how far ahead of us everyone else seems to be.

We can't compare ourselves to all those around us and beat ourselves up wondering why we're not as fast, or as in-shape, or as well-off as so-n-so; but rather, I need to run the race marked out for me. That's all God is asking of me, and dang-it, it's what He created me to do so no one will be able to do it as well or in the same unique way that I can and that's something to be celebrated not embarrassed about. Whether I'm one of the first in the bunch or dead-freaking-last is not what matters, what matters is that I'm doing my very best, and trying my hardest to do better than I did yesterday. You may feel like you're in last place, and barely scraping by but when God looks at your life and sees how far you've come, how well you've done, and all of that which you've overcome He will be so well-pleased. Where everyone else was in relation to you is irrelevant.  Unless, of course, they're running with you.

                                          
While comparing ourselves will get us no where fast, building a community within which you have accountability is a necessity for successfully running this long distance race called Life. Just like the fact that I needed to be able to see the girl in front of me to know where to go, such is true for continuing on through life and not losing sight of our faith. And in the same way that you are looking up to or following someone, someone else is also closely watching you. Don't let anyone slip out of this race for fear that no one would even care or notice, anyways. Instead set your sight on someone ahead of you and reach your hand back to another behind you and run your hardest-- together, helping each other all along the way. I like to think of it as a mentor-ship sisterhood (or brotherhood). Where I'm being mentored but I'm also a mentor and the cycle just keeps on running in that way. We've got to be here for each other. God created us in such a way that we crave community and have this burning desire for accountability so intensely so that it's quite close to impossible to do well on our own without it. Believe me, I know it's not easy, this is coming from a girl who'd rather frustrate myself to the point of tears and literally be on the brink of insanity before asking for help. But I am growing and learning and the more I do of both of those things the more I am able to recognize and come to grips with the fact that I need people, and people need me. And what a beautiful picture it paints when, though we are all struggling and barely moving, most days, we are doing it together. And I think that's how He intended it, because quite frankly, this life is hard and without the support of other people we wouldn't have the strength to possess what is needed to make it through.
                                    
                                      

Perseverance. I love that word but I can't stand it all at the same time. It stands for strength, steadfastness, and courage which are things we all strive for but it also represents the inevitable battle of pressing on in light of hardships. Of moving forward despite the fact that all odds are against you. In long distance running, there's no getting around it, in order to make it, in order to finish, you've got to persevere. 

Back in August, the beginning of a new school year, Sarah, my really-buddy and the amazing youth leader at Legacy, had all of the kids and any leaders who wanted to, as well, come up with a word to kind of lay the foundation of the school year ahead. Whether it signified something they were aspiring to be, or be better at, or something that just seemed would make a really good theme for them to focus on and strive for this year. The word I choose was perseverance. And boy, did I have no idea the extent to which I would be needing just that in my life these last 8 months. All these big new changes, and adjustments, and the heartache; with starting back to school, with going back to work at a daycare after having been a stay at home mom the past two years, on top of having a two year old of my own, and with suffering the loss of my baby that I miscarried just a few days shy of being 10 weeks along. You could say it's been a bit overwhelming. But the thing I've needed most, that's sustained me through it all and that drives it all home-- perseverance.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

So, back to my original thought. Running paints a vivid picture of life with all it's struggles and small victories, moments that take our breath away, the ups and downs, and the steady flow and constant need to just keep on keeping on. To start strong and take each new day as a possibility and an opportunity to learn and grow and be better than the day before so that in the end regardless of where we came from, how we got there, or just how long it's taken us we are able to say that we, in spite of it all, have finished stronger. And that's exactly what it is that I'm striving for.

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

1 Corinthians 1:27-29

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.  God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are,  so that no one may boast before him.

2 Corinthians 4:17

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

the struggle met with grace in His eyes

Resist the temptation
celebrate the small victory
But it's coming back for more.
"You're not getting off that easily."

Satan taunts me
As if, to him this is all a game.
It's no one else's fault, though
it's me who's to blame.

I played with the fire
and now I'm trying not to get burned.
I should have never pushed those limits,
crossed that line-- lesson learned.

Here it comes again
only this time, I give in.
Guilt sets in and starts to consume me
It's like I'm drowning in a sea
of my own sin and vanity.

I'm treading water
sinking fast.
I cry out, "God, save me!"
Not sure how much longer I'll last.

I start to go under
and I think, "this is it."
But I feel something from within me
and it's telling me, "just don't quit." 

So I struggle and I kick
I'm fighting for air
Then I feel strong arms around me,
and I know someone is there.

His presence surrounds me
as a sense of peace washes over
I'm no longer in fear
as my head rests against my Savior's shoulder

His grip is tight
But it's a gentle embrace
effortlessly, He carries me
back up to the surface.

The waves crash all around us
They beat upon His back.
I'm humbled at the realization
He's picking up my slack.
He's paying the price for my mistake
He comes in with great abundance, where I lack.

He sets my feet on a rock
gives me a firm place to stand
then He looks me in the eye
and takes my hand

"I will fight for you, my child 
you need only to be still"
I wipe tears from eyes
my body trembles with a chill.

I choke out the words, "I'm sorry"
and promise it won't happen again.
There's grace in His eyes
and I know I'm already forgiven.

I'm overcome with gratitude.
"But I don't deserve this,
why would you save a sinner like me?
someone so worthless."

He says to me, "beloved, you're my child
and you're worthy
and I'd do it all over again for you
because daughter, you are worth it."

Psalm 50:15 (NLT)

 Then call on me when you are in trouble,
    and I will rescue you,
    and you will give me glory.

Psalm 40:2 (NIV)

 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.

Exodus 14:14 (NIV)

 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Ephesians 2:1-7 (NIV)

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins,  in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient.  All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath.  But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy,  made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.  And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus,  in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.