struggling to find spring when it's winter in your mind

Sometimes life is packed full of effortless beauty. There's evidence all around of new life, & growth. Hope around every corner. Color on every tree. Much like the Spring. But that's the thing about seasons, they're eternally changing, never staying the same. And unfortunately this stage in my life hasn't been quite as rich and vibrant as one would dream. It's been more of a struggle for me to find all of those good things. BUT, God is always so faithful in reminding me he's still here, he hasn't left, he never will, and he is still working.. even if I can't tell. 

And that's what it's all about, isn't it? Knowing there's way more to things than the way they seem.

As I find myself, for the first time in a long time, examining the state of my heart what I'm finding is that I really don't like much of what I see. Where once was found a beautiful garden so full of all things lush & green, blooming with flowers and fruit of every color & tree now looks more barren & dry, with no real promising signs of new growth or life anywhere.

My heart feels more like a blustery winter than the luscious spring I'm longing for. I've felt a little lost lately, in my own mind. I seem to have forgotten things I've always known. Things I've held near & dear to my heart for so long seem far-off. Like I've lost sight of who I am and what I was created for, made to be. It's a strange place, indeed & I'm not really sure exactly what to think. All I know is that I'm in a tough spot & I'm struggling to find any glimpse of beauty or hope in me in the midst of a place where there seems to be no sign of either of those things.

What I've come to understand, though, after having a conversation with my hubby about the concerning condition of my heart a couple of nights ago, is this:

"Sometimes things have to get ugly before they can become beautiful again."

When he said that I wanted to argue it, initially. That doesn't really make a whole lot of sense does it!? Or does it..

I know I don't like what I see when I look below the surface these days, that it's not pretty. So how can this undesirable state that I'm in possibly be leading me towards or drawing from me anything but more ugliness?

Well...

Not only does it make sense but it's absolutely necessary for our own well-being & it's also biblical.

Hebrews 12:11 says,

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

We HAVE to go through hard times, and rough patches because of the way that those things have the power to reshape and grow us. To mature us into who we were intended to be in a way that nothing else can. It's absolutely necessary but man that doesn't make it any more enjoyable.

I am so there right now, and if I'm being brutally honest, it sucks. It's hard, & painful. It takes time, & patience & a whole lot of faith, which I don't even really feel at the moment-- again, if I'm being completely honest. Battling with the flesh. Wars waging in your mind. Wrestling against the temptations. Fighting off the negative thought that it really is just hopeless, a lost cause, because that is all that it seems right now, after all. I'm exhausted from the relentless utter chaos going on in my head.

BUT what it's achieving for me below the surface is so well worth all the heartache. Even if I don't yet see it. What there is to be gained from this situation I've found myself in is so much more than meets the eye & I know one day I'll be able to look back on this time in my life and, no doubt, be so glad that it's over but also incredibly grateful that I went through it for what it produced in me, what I got out of it.

As much as it pains me to admit this when it is so, my hubby was right;). Things absolutely do have to get ugly before they can become beautiful again sometimes and it's time I made peace with that fact.

He said he learned this first-hand through all of his experience in landscaping. As a groundskeeper at a private univeristy his sole purpose was to make the outside of that campus as beautiful as possible. One of the ways they did this was by pruning the plants. If they weren't taken care of properly they could get so overgrown that they wouldn't fit in their designated spot anymore, they'd no longer be where they belonged. They'd also lose their specific shape, what they were made to be, and therefore no longer be serving their purpose.

I can relate.

I've been feeling that exact way lately. Like I've lost myself a little bit. Like I've forgotten what my purpose is. There's an overstock of negativity, an excess of destructive thoughts going on in my mind, so out of control that I've become almost completely unrecognizable to me. My heart is not where it needs to be. The true self is still down there, somewhere, waiting to be set free, Im sure of it but it's going to take a lot of trimming, cutting-back, pruning & then waiting to get it back.

& that's the hard part, waiting without seeing any real evidence of change. But I guess that's what having faith is, right, & what is faith without perseverance, anyway?

In some cases, cutting off all the branches leaving just a few stumps is completely necessary & the only way to "revive" the tree, making way for healthy new growth. Literally cutting it down to basically nothing, where just by looking at it, you'd think it would never again amount to anything fruitful. Just a couple of dead-looking twigs. Going nowhere. Now let's just pretend I am that tree (& maybe you too) & right now, what I feel, all I see is an emptiness. Ugly and bare. Hopeless.

But here's the really cool part, where God comes in.

Even though I can't tell, He is still working. Even when I don't see any real signs of life there is still some hope left for me. Even if I feel completely broken down, stripped bare, raw, vulnerable, empty maybe that's exactly where I need to be. Opening up a way for me to burst through with new life, this time more mature, and complete.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

As cruel and painful as it seems right now and as hopeless as it looks to me, he is still doing a new thing and it is achieving for me an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (2 Corinthians 4:17) I'm banking on that, even if my mind tries to convince my heart otherwise in the middle of the night.

I know this in my heart to be true and I'll hold fast to that truth despite what I feel. Because what I feel, is empty, lost, incomplete and though I may be some of those things currently He's still holding me & He'll carry me through, this is not the end of the story for me; because what I feel is also faulty. Generally, it stems mostly from what I can see & what I can see is only a little sliver, part of the truth, half the battle. While what He sees is the grand scheme, the whole picture, every single aspect & tiny detail.

From his perspective, what he's doing is a good thing. It's what's best for me, exactly what I need. He's pruning, fine-tuning & though it may not be fun in the moment I can still consider it valuable because of the way it is making room for growth, new life, fresh fruit, and a wholeness I would've never known had I not been through such discipline. Even if it's left me feeling a little less than lovely after all my branches were removed.

Just like the landscaper, God, as the professional, knows better than to give up on that tree, on me, just because of the way it looks currently. He knows exactly what happens AFTER pruning and cutting-back all the limbs. Even if it takes a little while to come to fruition. Getting rid of all that useless, unnecessary, overgrown mess was just what that tree needed. He knew just where to cut, just how it needed to be trimmed and shaped in order for it to come alive again. To start producing fruit once more. To start looking more like it was meant to, what He intended it to be. Inspiring new growth, thus fulfilling it's purpose. Becoming beautiful, healthy, blooming once more.

Man, do I want to know wholeheartedly and really, truly believe that He can do this same thing for me despite this unpresentable state I'm in currently. Well, He can & He will & He is.

According to John 15:2,

"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." 

So even though to me, all it seems is that there's a lot of ugliness in my heart right now; things that are unclear, cut-short, incomplete, God's not finished with me. He's pruning, cutting back, making room for new growth & I will once again produce beautiful things, and bear fruit. Even if it takes a little while to get back to that place. I will find myself again, & will be found in Him. (John 15:5)

I am encouraged by all of this, and I hope the same for you, not that I've been able to make complete (if any) sense out of it yet, because I haven't; but since I can know that even amidst these hard places where I'm stripped to the core, laying barren & desolate that it won't always be this way that there is indeed new life springing up within me & I can be confident of this truth despite what I see. "For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 2:18)

I know that I'm not struggling in vain, that there is a purpose for all of this and no matter how bad I feel or how ugly it looks right now, it will be beautiful again some day, just like the Spring.

"Sometimes a change in season around us is just what we need to prod us out of our own internal winters, to shake off the dust and darkness we've become accustomed to. I've been winter-y for a long time-- sick, discouraged, a little isolated. I'm turning from fear to prayer, trusting that God can create new life and beauty from anything. I'm inviting the springtime around me into my own life, hoping it takes root and begins to show signs of new life in me, even small ones." -Shauna Niequist, "Savor"