looking into the eye's of her daughter

A mother looks into the eyes of her daughter 

and sees a piece of herself; 

of who she'd like to be.

Her soul knows no bond

that's stronger, nor could

her heart be any more full.

All she knows is that

it's in that place, 

looking into the eye's

of her daughter, 

where she finds such 

strength and peace. 

challenging the desire to be the "perfect" christian

So I am finding that the deeper I delve into a true relationship with Christ the less pressure there is to try and be or appear to be this "perfect" christian. What it really is about is accepting who I am while at the same time challenging my initial reactions and judgments and channeling them with His help and in His likeness. It's a constant battle. An everyday struggle. I'd be lying if I said there was ever a day where I got it all right (most days I'm lucky to get 1 or 2 things).

The point is that I am trying and that's all I can do. He's not asking me to be something I'm not and He's certainly not asking me to pretend to be someone who everyone "sees" as this flawless human being (we all know that really doesn't exist anyways, so let's stop fooling ourselves). What He really wants from me is for me to dig down deep into the depths of my soul where His spirit resides in me and let that spill over onto all those around me and change this world. It has nothing to do with me or my "abilities" (and thank God for that) but everything to do with me surrendering it all to Him. By saying: "OK, God, I am not so sure of this [thing] (whatever it may be) but I am going to do what you're asking me to. Regardless of how inadequate I feel or how big, sometimes even strange, it may seem because I trust you. I know that You know what You're doing."

It's OK, to ask questions. It's OK to be unsure. I heard a quote once, (author unknown) that says: "to wrestle with God is not to lose your faith but to fight for it." So when I need to, I cry out to Him, after all, isn't that what having a real relationship is all about? Admitting that you're struggling with something is not only OK but completely necessary. Just as long as at the end of the day the conclusion you come to is this: I am just the vessel. Ultimately what it comes down to is that He will accomplish whatever He wants/what needs to be done one way or another. Whether I like it or not. What a relief! That takes this huge burden off of me and places it in His able Hands.

That is true freedom that is derived from the place where the Spirit of the Lord is. His Spirit in me offers this freedom that my conscious mind cannot even comprehend. The freedom that allows me to accept myself and my flaws and love myself, even, only because of His great love. Then, to love others in the same regards. Freedom from fear that I am going to blow it, fail God, and mess everything up. Freedom from feeling like I have to live up to all these unfair and unreachable standards. Freedom to just live and love. That is all He is calling me to do, anyways. Live my life the best way I can, leaning not on my own understanding and strength but constantly falling back on His. Loving people not with my own tattered heart and corrupt mind but with the unfailing and completely perfect love of His Spirit that lives within me and overtakes me.

**photo by SWhite Photography
https://www.facebook.com/SWhitePhotography.net

waiting out the storm

an entry from my journal written January 20, 2011:

Sitting in my car listening to the  rain pour and watching it stream down the window. Waiting for it to let up so I can make a run for it. Such is life huh? Storms come in our lives that always seem to get worse before getting better and we're forced to just wait it out. But once it's finally over and we get to where we're going no matter how soaked or emotionally exhausted, there's this sense of satisfaction and peace. A reward that wouldn't be near as great had we not endured something so hard and waited so long. Praise God for the ups and downs and for every season of life and for His perfect timing.

stepping out of the ring & out in my faith

Perhaps the hardest thing I have ever been asked to do is nothing at all. To a control freak/"fighter" like myself, those words are frightening. What do you mean, I can't do anything!? Precisely, I cannot physically do anything to change the situation. I just have to sit back and let God handle it. Yes, I know all the Sunday-school answers, He's more than able, there's nothing too big for Him, He'll only do what's best, etc. and I do believe those things. Don't I? Sometimes my actions prove otherwise, because, well, when I actually have to apply them to my life, when He's asking me to completely relinquish the control of something (a possession, mind you, that was never mine in the first place but always His) I am finding that to be incredibly difficult. What I do know is that right now, at this very moment, He's commanding me to just "be still," to just know that He is God and accept that He is in control.

I wish it were that easy and I wish I would just listen the first time around, but I think I'm tough and for whatever reason I think I got a pretty good shot at it. Jumping in the there with my gloves like I'm Rocky or Muhammad Ali. "Don't worry, God, I got this." The words barely even leave my lips before I'm made aware that I am actually in way over my head, that this other "dude" is huge and I'm officially getting my butt kicked. God quietly reminds me that this was never my battle to begin with. He is asking me to step out of the ring on this one. To bow out, gracefully, obediently. To be the spectator and watch Him work. To trust Him. Though it's not easy and I'm basically going out kicking and screaming, He quiets me with His unfailing love. In a way that no one else can, that I can't even explain. All I know is that something just comes over me and in the midst of all this chaos, in the heat of the battle, I am, somehow, at peace. I know that He will come out victorious over this thing. Then, I realize that this is exactly where I need to be. These times that require me to rely solely on Him, where He is literally the only option I've got, are the times where my faith is able to truly develop, where it is made deeper and stronger.

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it." -Rocky Balboa

Especially in these times when things aren't exactly going as I'd planned, when my heart is broken and my spirit not far behind, though I feel defeated, I am, even still and ever more precious to God. He accepts that as a holy sacrifice to Him, even. He won't be far from me. He takes great delight in comforting me. He will restore to me the joy of Salvation, once more. I can now recall and relish in the depths of what that really means at these times when I've fallen short. When I'm in-need of His great compassion. When I need Him to fight for me because what I'm facing is simply much too large for me to manage alone. Then, in an incredibly beautiful and unique way He reminds me of His promises and to those promises do I ever-so-closely cling. Never have they looked so wonderful or claimed to be more true and relevant than in this moment. He paints an extraordinary rainbow in the sky, just for me, and then sees to it that I am out there at just the right time to enjoy it. Not a minute early nor a second too late, so as not to have missed it. I am greatly comforted and my mind is at ease. My fears are put to rest as His colorful truths seem to radiate from the heavens. Though my flesh fails, though my heart grows weak, though my eyes are tired, though my hands get heavy He will be my strength until the very end.

This isn't my battle and it never was. I need to move out of the way and let God be God. To give him room to do what He does best. I need to stop thinking that it's up to me to save the day. I only end up making a bigger mess of things when using such silly logic. All that being said, God, I ask for strength that only You can provide. Help me to surrender this fight to You, I know You hate watching it defeat me the way it does. The way it affects me. Takes a toll on me. On us. It was never Your intention for me to try and take this on. Give me the courage and humility I need to let it go. Help me to trust You, and may this build my character, grow my faith, and ultimately bring you glory, oh Father in heaven, both the lover and protector of my soul.

"It's the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen."

-Muhammad Ali

Genesis 9:13 (NLT)

 I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth.

Psalm 51:12,17(NLT)

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and make me willing to obey you.

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
    You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

Exodus 14:14 (NIV)

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Psalm 54:4 (NASB)

 Behold, God is my helper;
The Lord is the sustainer of my soul.

Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

Being Mary in a Martha kind of world

OK so most of us have probably heard the story before. You know, the one where Jesus decides to come have dinner at the house of these two women and one of them is busy doing all the cooking and cleaning while the other just sits there hangin' out with Him. Just in case we haven't though, let's take a look at the verses:

Luke 10:39-42 (NLT) 

39 Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. 40 But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.” 

41 But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! 42 There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

So, I must confess that if I were in this situation, if Jesus were coming to my house, best believe I would be all over the place, too. I'm right there with ya, Martha! I mean, even when "normal" people come to my house I stress over the way it looks and how clean things are (or aren't). I don't want them to judge me based on those things or to perceive me differently after seeing my obviously lived-in and mostly messy house and eating my less than mediocre home-cooked meal. But if Jesus were coming!?!? Ha, I'd probably be running around like a chicken with my head cut-off tidying up the house in ways I never have before and trying to make something immaculate. Something fit for a king, for The King. Here's what I want to focus on, Martha's heart wasn't necessarily in the wrong place but what she failed to recognize is that what Jesus was (and is) most concerned with is spending time with us, not with what we bring to the table (and yes, I do mean that both literally and symbolically). That's why Mary got it right, she chose to just stay there, at His feet, attentively soaking up all of this knowledge and instruction He had to offer. I admit though, that as a woman, I would've been just as frustrated with her, whining like Martha had, "This is so unfair, Jesus! Why's she just sitting there, while I'm over here trying to do all this hard work by myself!?" To which Jesus would smile at me and reply, "My beloved daughter, why are you so concerned with all these petty things, all I want from you is for you to be with me."

Then it hits me, hard. I really do do that all the time. I get so caught up in whatever I think "needs" to be done that I miss out on the single most important aspect of my life: Spending quality quiet time alone with Him. Just like when my friends come over, I am driven by this common misconception that He is going to judge me based on how out of hand things have gotten and all my 'junk' I've let pile up. I trick myself into thinking that in order to come face to face with this holy God, I need to try and make things pretty, more presentable, first. I have to at least appear like I've got it somewhat together. I simply cannot let Him see me like this. Really though, what a silly thing for me to think. When you think about it logically, that's like trying to make yourself healthy before you go to see the doctor. Huh? Exactly, makes no sense. That's percisely what He's there for. To help us 'clean-up' so-to-speak. He commands us to come as we are. He loves us regardless of the condition that we're currently in. All He wants is for us to desire Him, to spend that precious time with Him. Which will, in-turn, eventually assist us in getting a better handle on things and getting our lives back on track.

So what do we take away from this? Well my fellow Martha's, I think it's time that we stop worrying so much about the preparations and how we're presenting ourselves and focus more on the simple act of sitting at His feet and drinking in His every word, as much as we can. It's time for us to strive to be like humble, hungry-for-truth Mary in a world comprised mostly of way too busy people-pleasers and show-offs. We need to realize that pretending to be those things will get us nowhere. The closer in connection with God we get the more we recognize how adverse His teachings are compared to our initial knee-jerk reaction to things. Which are brought on by the cultural norms of this day in age that we've so easily become accustomed to and just plain human nature. The world will tell us that beauty is everything. That we have to be pretty and in-shape, that our houses have to be spotless, that our children cannot be dirty, and that our marriages have to be (what appears to be) "perfect" at all times. However, Christ gently reminds us that what is most important to Him is our heart. He reassures us is that we are to live in this world but not of it. He commands us first to love Him and second to love others, above ourselves. His Word tells us to rejoice in our short-comings, for we know that in our weaknesses His power is made strong within us. In doing so, in meditating on His truths, our lives will become transformed. The people of this world will not understand and they will stare and point fingers and demand that (according to the world's standards) we do 'what we're supposed to,' but God, who sees our heart, and fervor for Him will bless us for we have discovered what truly matters most and "it will not be taken away from [us]."

the beautiful process: adoption

A family longing for it's child.
A child desperate to belong.
Two worlds miraculously intertwined
& woven into one.

We're connected at the heart
& may we never fail to see
That by divine appointment
God has brought me to you
& you to me.

Oh, my sweet darling
How you've made our family complete. <3

my soul speaks

Sitting here, as I meditate on and attempt to comprehend just how deep and tender the Father's love is for me, for us all, it completely baffles my mind. I cannot even begin to perceive it's vastness. I can picture it, though. Through this image that seems to be playing over an over again in my mind: I am standing there at the bottom of the valley gazing up at the mountaintop. My eyes cannot even reach the height that it travels before the bright rays of the sun shine from behind it. Blinded by it's brilliance, I squeeze my eyes tightly back shut. My face drops down into my hands. I am forced to look down. Something grips my chin and gently lifts it back up towards the sky. Tears fill my eyes. It's all I can do to just sit there, in all my pettiness, and marvel at the grandiosity. At the beauty. I am able only to merely catch the tiniest little glimpse into what He sees when He looks at me, His beloved child; into what He feels.

I look upon my own daughter, my very own flesh and blood, the one whom I helped create, that I carried within me for nine months. My heart is so full. So full, in fact, that sometimes I am convinced that it just may burst right out of my chest. I am filled with these indescribable sensations that hold such power over me. Such emotion: of love, of satisfaction, of pure delight. This little being is much more precious to me than any- thing. Than the finest riches that this world could ever possibly bear to bring. But to think, what these affections offer is simply a fraction compared to the enormity of the love that the Father lavishes upon me!? Astounding. And that's an understatement. There are not words big enough to describe Him. There are not feelings deep enough to define Him. All there is, is this unfathomable, mysterious and incredibly beautiful Truth. That promise after promise is revealing to me, proving to me, time after time how tremendously He truly cares for me. 

(I think to myself) Why God? I am but so small. I am just so completely unworthy. (He reassures me, speaks to me soul) He loves me just the same. He created me. He thought me up long ago. Planned out things specifically for me. He spoke me into existence. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He breathed life into me. He watched me as I grew. He looked on me with love. He was proud of what He had done. He had His mighty hand in my life. An ever-present help in trouble. He deeply loved me, loves me. I tried to run. I tried to fight it. He kept pursuing me. He wouldn't stop. He never will. He saw who I really was. What I could become. What I would become. He continued to look after me. Protecting me from the terribly harmful situations I found myself in. He saw me, distraught and alone and His heart grieved for me. He held me. I was moved by His great love and compassion. Motivated to change. Given a new direction. A new hope. A new name. Beloved. I am His. He is mine. I will still fail. Some days, I will still lose the battle. But I won't lose heart. He is strong in me. That's all I have. All I need. What defines me. Him in me. The hope of glory.

1 John 3:1a

 See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!

1 Peter 5:7

 

 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Isaiah 62:2

 The nations will see your vindication,
    and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name
    that the mouth of the Lord will bestow.

Psalm 46:1

 God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.

Psalm 139:13

 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Psalm 145:3

 Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise;
    his greatness no one can fathom.

Colossians 1:27

 To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

esse quam videri

"To be, rather than seem (to be)"

This quote is my new motto. I am challenged by it. It so radically could change our culture, our generation, if applied. Who most of the time is way more hung up on, focused on the 'seeming to be' part. It's all about the appearance. We're so worried about what other people think about us that we work our whole lives trying to create this seemingly perfect image that, in all actuality, looks nothing like our true self. It looks good, nonetheless, so that's the mask we put on every morning. We feel like we have to hide our flaws because we are living in a world where failure is completely unacceptable. We become so accustomed to putting on this show that we start to believe it truly is our reality. What we don't realize, is that by doing so it is literally having a snowball effect. It is part of the very reason our world as we (or our grandparents, rather) used to know it-- is crumbling around us.

We need to be aware that all around us, anywhere and everywhere we turn, someone is there. Someone who is watching us. Looking up to, admiring us, even. They see us, all concerned with our appearance and obsessed with attempting to attain this false sense of perfection and so that's what they do. Then those looking up to them after and so fourth. Monkey see, monkey do. We've slowly but surely assisted in creating a world that cares more about how good we look in a picture than say, having an actual conversation where we could be discussing real life issues, and together could be trying to tackle them.

It's funny, really (but not at all) because I am sure every single one of us has made a comment or at least, had a thought about how sad it is; what this world is coming to. We need to wake up and recognize that whether intentionally or not, by just succumbing to the new 'norm' of our society, we had a hand in that. If that is really a concern of ours, well then it's time to stop just blindly following the so-called "leaders" of this generation (and no, I don't mean the president). I mean the ones we really look up to, the ones we try so hard to be like, to look like. It's time to stop indulging this beast. Max Lucado put it this way, "feed your faith and your fears will starve to death." I picture it as a positive domino effect where all the facades we've put up and the walls we've built around our hearts, are falling to the ground. That moment when we stop letting the fear of what everyone else thinks about us dictate our every move; when we start giving our attention to what really matters: helping those in need, showing love to all, forgiving our enemy, even. That's when things will start to change.

I personally, am so fed up with the BS (for lack of a better way of putting it) and am more than ready to start  a change in my own life. I know it's not going to be easy, it's like any other bad habit that is incredibly effortless to start and then nearly impossible to kick. It is indeed, possible however, and it will indeed happen. I am believing God for that miracle because I know that He also, detests what this world has become and hates to see His children suffer the way they do, even when it's at the expense of our own hands. Even when we are the very cause of our own pain.

esse quam videri
"to be rather than seem (to be)"

What does that mean to me personally? Well, I'd like to actually be a good Mother to my baby girl, not just seem like it. I'd like to actually be an awesome wife to my sweet hubby not just appear to be. I'd like to actually be a woman after God's own heart and not just claim to be. By doing so, by focusing more on my heart than my wardrobe I am taking the first steps to my recovery. Why? Because I can't stand what I see when I look around or watch the news anymore than the next guy but I'm sick of just talking about it like it's completely out of my control. I may not be able to save or even change the whole world but I sure can, by simply adjusting my attitude, make a difference in my own home, my own church, my own community. Lord help me not to just seem to be, but rather, by Your power in me, actually be-- different.

Main Entry:	difference  [dif-er-uhns, dif-ruhns]
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	dissimilarity, distinctness
Synonyms:	aberration, alteration, anomaly,  antithesis,asymmetry, change,  characteristic, contrariety,contrariness,  contrast, departure, deviation,digression,  discongruity, discrepancy, disparity, dissemblance, distinction, divergence,  diversity,exception, heterogeneity,  idiosyncrasy, inequality,irregularity,  nonconformity, opposition,  particularity,peculiarity, separateness,  separation, singularity,unconformity,  unlikeness, unorthodoxness,  variance,variation, variety

Challenge accepted.